stream of conciousness

Scattered said:

Attention Deficit Disorder. I haven't been diagnosed with it but I seem to fit the symptoms. I have an extremely hard time focusing or finishing projects I start (books, school work, etc). Then there is this disorganized and sometimes obsessive thinking that causes me to just kind of zone out. I often miss out on conversations because I'm prone to drifting off. And then the memory goes as well because I'm thinking about so many different things its as if I can't locate certain information I should remember.

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My motivation is dead. I still think that it's my damn personality that causes this. I am fighting between the acceptance of a potential deficit and a banch or personality falws... The necessity of something that I must do should determine my desire of doing it, and not my desire determine if I want to do it. That is my goal.

It is far beyond easiness to say "I have ADD or something else", but I like to challenge the very essence of psychology, believing that, in fact, (forgive me for this) psychology could be just an easy way of telling the hard truth (I could explain this better if it is necessary).

Still, I must not make a mistake, and while I could correct things if I have accepted the existance of ADD, I didn't because of beeing stuborn.

I have motivation problems with school. And I get to study an enormous amount of material over the Internet of things that I like (politics, art, history, global news) which are in English (and I have only basic knowledge of, and I know almost no terminology), and I can't get myself study the bloody book that is in my native language.

I am almost sure that if those school books werent necessary to read, I would read them.

A practical example:

I am an amateur web-designer. I design websites for fun. A friend wanted a website, so he asked me to make it. I asked him a symbolic price for the time it will take me to create it. Once I understood that "now, I must create it within 2 weeks", I wasn't able to put my creativity to work (I had the liberty to design it they way I thought more suitable). Yet, at the time he told me "I am thinking of a website...", I was nothing but full of ideas. And after I finished it, and had practially no reason of continuing to deal with it, I created (just for fun) 3 alternative versions better that the original.

Why? When I like doing something, I do it nicely. When I MUST do the same thing, I stink.

And please, if anyone knows this, tell me.

Ben,
My pen name is "brainsilence" but it refers to the things that gave me pleasure from the world. I dont know anymore.