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Strange Depersonalization symptoms

4288 Views 4 Replies 4 Participants Last post by  eddy1886
Hey, I am new to the forum, and I guess I should give a little background before I start. Unfortunately, depersonalization is not something I am also new to. I have struggled with depersonalization (and derealization) for over four years now. I should also note beforehand that I have always suffered from anxiety and depression since early adolescence (I am 19). My DPDR was initially brought on by a bad experience with pot that I had at a carnival. I was immediately thrown into a panic attack and an intense state of dissociation. I remember falling asleep that night (nearly traumatized...I had never smoked before and had no idea what it would be like) and my world already began to shift. When I woke up the next morning, I felt incredibly off. I remember being home alone that day, and feeling incredibly sick. There was something inside me that I could not shake or even begin to explain. I felt very sleep deprived, spacey, out of sorts, nervous, drugged, and overall just wrong. The next following few days did not seem to be all that terrible. It was not until a little while after that I really noticed my perception of reality had been greatly altered. In the beginning, it was more derealization, I suppose. I remember sitting on the bench in my backyard and feeling like I had the absolute worst tunnel vision. It seemed that no matter how hard I tried to focus my vision on the world, I just was not there 100% if that makes sense. I had the typical symptoms...feeling like the world around me was I was in a dream...sounds seemed off...felt very afraid. At first I had no idea how to explain the way I felt...and it was absolutely terrifying. I remember trying to tell my mother...saying something like "things don't feel real." Shortly after my onset of symptoms I found this forum, and it was like a weight was lifted off of my shoulders...not quite sure why I did not join then. The next two years were absolute hell. I was in and out of hospitals...especially in the beginning. It became 24/7 and debilitating. I had many flashbacks during the first few months where I would suddenly and randomly feel like I did when I was high at the carnival. It had the onset of a panic attack...but it was definitely unique/different in its own way. I would cry on my bathroom floor every night, I would stay home from school for days on end, and I thought about ending my life nearly every day. I do not remember when I began having feelings of depersonalization on top of the derealization...but I know it appeared after the derealization. I became hyper-aware of my own existence...and would have moments where I would catch myself doing something and become greatly afraid of the body I was in. Thankfully, as time went on, I began to get better. I stopped obsessing. I ignored it. I grew stronger. Eventually, I recovered completely. I had a good year and a half of no symptoms DPDR...little was great. I traveled. I went on road trips. I went out. I had an amazing senior year of high school...I was head photographer of the yearbook and had at least 15 close friends. I went to Florida during spring break with my best friend and had the time of my life. I was present. I had an identity. I was free. I ended the year with an amazing prom and really could not of imagined my life being any better. Later on I began to experience some weeks where I relapsed, but nothing seemed to stay too long and having been through it before for so long it no longer frightened me as much. Last April was when things took a turn for the worst. I was sexually assaulted, and had what I believe to be an acute stress reaction...not quite PTSD. I decided not to press charges and attempted (stupidly) to forget about what happened and move on blindly with my life. About two weeks later I was hit suddenly with the worst anxiety I have ever experienced in my entire life. My body was literally a lit up circuit board that refused to die down. My heart raced constantly...I was out of breath...I had a horrible internal vibrating sensation that never died down...I could not for one minute sit still, I was pacing back and forth every second of every day...I was nauseous beyond words...and I felt something inside me that I could not contain. I could not shower without having an anxiety attack nor could I leave the house. I left school (my second semester of my first year at community college) and went to the ER 3 times. I was given Ativan, which seemed to help, and was told to stop taking the Claritin I was on (I was taking 3 antihistamines at the time, and they thought that may have been the culprit since it can wire some people). Eventually the anxiety subsided somewhat after two weeks...only to be replaced by depression and depersonalization. I ended up going inpatient at my local hospital. I was there for about two weeks and was then transferred to a day program where I stayed for an additional two weeks. I got better, but was still depersonalized. I was put on Remeron for sleep...and had an awful experience. I had ungodly vivid dreams and intense mental imagery and intrusive memories throughout the day. I had to stop because I began having difficulty remembering if something had happened in a dream or in real life. When I met with a new psychiatrist, I was put on Klonopin to replace the Remeron. For the first time in about two months I could breathe again. My anxiety was gone. My depersonalization was gone. All the strange Remeron affects were gone. I was at peace...or maybe I just did not care. A week later I flew to Europe, and had the most amazing vacation/experience of my life. For the next five months everything was going great...until I hit tolerance and started to fall ill again...mostly with depression. I started cutting...something I never did even at my worst. I decided it was time to come off Klonopin...since I knew it was not something to be on for long periods of time. My psychiatrist tapered the 0.5 MG's I was on at a negligently fast rate...reducing my dose 50% down to 0 in only three weeks. One week after stopping I was hit with terrible withdrawals...starting with an intense body numbing depersonalization that I had never felt before. I became bone-crushingly depressed and nearly killed myself twice. I developed racing intrusive thoughts, and even mild hallucinations/perceptual distortions. About three weeks ago I developed a symptom associated with my dissociation that I have never, not once felt before in my entire life. I still have trouble describing it...and not being able to explain the way I feel its utterly horrifying. This is truly the most disturbing symptom I have yet experienced. I have only found three posts on the forum that seem to describe what I am feeling, one in particular. I have already typed enough so I will just get to the point. Basically, at random moments of the day, I will feel like I am entirely somewhere else. Sometimes it is triggered by an intrusive memory, other times for seemingly no reason. I will feel like I have been sucked into an old, yet unfamiliar and distant memory that resides far in the depths of my brain. It is like I am in a totally different environment and can actually FEEL the new/altered environment. Sometimes I feel like I have been sucked back in time. It is currently winter, but sometimes when I am sitting in my room I can almost feel like its summer outside. I have even felt as if I was transported back to the 1970's when I listened to a song by Janis Joplin on my car radio. This all began when I started having vivid dreams and intrusive memories and strange flashbacks of old dreams. My dream flashbacks have settled down, but when I was experiencing them they were utterly bizarre. They would be triggered by things that make no sense whatsoever, like a hole in my sweatshirt or something on TV. I know this sounds insane, trust me, I thought the same thing when it happened. One particular night about 3 weeks after I came off Klonopin I had the most bizarre perceptual distortions I could of ever imagined. I remember looking at the back of my friends head and for some reason envisioning the outline of a frog. I was totally aware of how false this perception was however, and new it was not reality...and was furthermore incredibly frightened that my brain could come up with such things. I have never experienced any of these things in my entire life until after coming off a rapid taper of Klonopin. Reading what I just wrote, I am aware of how psychotic my symptoms sound and it frightens me to my core and makes me nauseous. At the same time I jumped off Klonopin, I was also put on Trazadone. I am not aware if the Trazadone may be inhibiting these symptoms or simply exacerbating my withdrawals. This feeling of being in an old dream, an earlier part of my life, a different environment, or in a distant yet unfamiliar and seemingly false memory is really getting to me. I know it is DPDR related and is connected to Klonopin withdrawal or Trazadone as I have never felt like this before. I am beginning to question my own sanity...however I know deep down that I am sane. I have my insight and know that these feelings are not reality, however it is incredibly terrifying when they occur. Has anybody else ever experienced this before? I feel like my entire subconscious mind has been opened up. I no longer feel like I know who I am. I am so afraid...afraid that I have developed some mental illness that has yet to be discovered. I feel alone and am scared I am truly going insane. I do not know how much more I can take. If somebody could relate or reply, it would make things so much easier for me. Thank you.
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