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So I made a post about this symptom before, but I feel like I can explain it better after having felt it for a few more weeks. Basically, I get these small, almost partial seizure-like episodes of bizarre dissociation that can last anywhere from a few seconds to a few minutes. During these episodes, I am overcome with a great sense of unfamiliarity. This unfamiliarity is not the typical DP unfamiliarity that we all know very well and is very well documented. It is not that people or places look unfamiliar and distant, I mean it is but at the same time it isn't. I know this is jumbled but this is the best I can really elaborate. It is somewhat related to Jamais Vu and Deja Vu. In that moment, I will feel like I have been sucked into an alternate reality or different environment, mostly in terms of how I perceive the atmosphere. Sometimes it is places I recognize that I have been to before or have dreamed about/seen on TV. Sometimes it feels like I have traveled back in time, to a past moment in my life. I felt like I was living in the fall of 2014 the other day, mind you it is the beginning of Spring. Other times it is a place so entirely foreign that it feels like my brain just made it up, somewhat like a false memory. You know when you look at a post card or a picture of some place you have never been to and you envision what it is like and how it would feel to be there? That feeling is totally made up, and is your own personal perception. That is how I feel looking at reality during these episodes. It is like two layers of reality existing on top of one another if that makes sense. I know where I am, and I know that these feelings are false, and nothing truly looks different during these is the same as its always been. I know that it is just my perception that has shifted. It is often coupled with a very eerie, creepy, and sickening feeling (not nausea). I have noticed several things that trigger it. It seems especially prominent when it is gloomy or cloudy out, or when it is really sunny. I have also noticed that it only occurs when I am outside, very rarely does it occur when I am inside. When it does occur inside, it is more of an internal feeling of the atmosphere/my perception shifting. I have also noticed when I pay attention to it and think about it, I can almost create more of these feelings and envision other alternate realities within my mind. It is also worse when my depersonalization/derealization is worse and seems to pretty much fluctuate in intensity according to my DPDR as well as coincide with it. It becomes especially aggravated when I don't get enough sleep. I was in my friends basement the other day, and was looking out of her window. The deck above the house covers the view of the backyard, so that all you can see through the window is the bottom of the deck and peeks of sunshine that beam through cracks. While I was looking at it, I felt/envisioned a dozen different realities that could exist beyond the deck that totally hid the outside world and the current season and landscape. At first I felt like I could almost imagine it being summer. Then I was reminded of a scene in a movie I had watched recently that pictured an attack with streams of light shining through. Instantly, I felt like I was there. It is almost like intense day dreaming. I have not found much information on this. I was scared I had DID, but I have absolutely zero symptoms of DID aside from depersonalization and derealization. I am not psychotic, although sometimes this is so tiring I wish I was...just so I could be oblivious to this all. I am not hallucinating, I am not delusional, I don't believe I possess any special abilities/talents, I am not paranoid, I am not feeling grandiose, I know who I life history...the current date/time/president etc. I reality test constantly. I know that these feelings are not the truth. Sometimes I even laugh at how fucking stupid they are and that I am actually panicking over them. But most of the time I am terrified. I have never felt this sort of dissociation until I came off Klonopin and started trazadone. I am convinced it has something to do with one or the other or possibly even both, as it seems pretty unlikely that I would suddenly start feeling this way right after those two occurrences. I have also noticed that it tends to die down during my windows where all of my other withdrawal symptoms die down also. I even had a full week recently where I did not have this feeling at all. I can also state that during that week where I did not have any of those feelings, my DPDR had also lessened and died down. Like I said, it tends to be worse when I do not sleep...which makes sense because my DPDR is also worse when I do not sleep. I know for certain that this is either related to the DPDR or is a symptom of it entirely. I just do not understand it or what it is called, and I am getting scared because I can't find anyone else like me. I only found one other post where someone described having a constantly shifting perception of the atmosphere around them. They talked about going to a doctors appointment, and feeling like the same room they were sitting in had changed 10 times in terms of where they felt they were at and how everything appeared (lighting etc). That is basically how I feel but somewhat different. I do know however that everybody is unique and that this sort of thing affects everyone differently. I have never been more afraid in my entire life. At the end of the day I look back and think about the things I have felt and I suddenly feel incredibly conscious of how fucked up/psychotic/not normal these feelings if I was half asleep during the day and then suddenly fully woke up. I can take a few more months of this, but if this continues I do not know if I can keep going with my life. I truly cannot believe that such things are capable within the human brain, it is absolutely terrifying...I can't even think about it. My soul has truly been raped by this disorder (I am sorry for that reference but it is the only way I can describe it, I am a sexual assault survivor myself). I just want somebody to reassure me that I am not insane and maybe relate to similar feelings...even if you have not felt this before I would appreciate any reply. I am so alone...
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