story time

hi!

this is my first post here. i'm a 21 year old girl, and i feel very lost.

i've been seeing a psychiatrist for about three years now. there have been many diagnoses- first it was just depression, then it was bipolar, and now it's borderline personality. i'm being treated with therapy and i'm also taking bupropion, but i feel like i'm stagnant. i used to be really reckless, but i met a very special guy who helps me come to terms with this mess every day- in fact, he told me to try this forum.

anyway, i'm coming to the conclusion that i'm most likely completely crazy, but i somehow feel like there's three of me! i have my normal, rational self, this awful, crazy, manipulative bitch, and like a vulnerable little girl all competing for control. it's so weird because when i'm acting a certain way, i have this very rational voice in my head going like "why the hell are you acting like this," but i just keep going because it's so intense and i'm so in the moment feeling that way, but i also honestly am just trying to elicit some type of reaction from whomever i'm directing my feelings toward. i don't really want to go off on too much of a tangent, so instead of letting any one of these "personalities" take complete control, my brain kind of just decided to stop functioning whatsoever.

i don't know what's real a lot of the time and it's scary. it's like my mind and body are only vaguely acquainted with each other. i guess i feel like i'm on autopilot. i'm absent all the time. i have a really hard time talking to people; it doesn't always register that someone is talking to me, and it's really hard to respond. even if i know someone is talking to me, i feel so spaced out that it's physically difficult to make myself talk. honestly i'm having a hard time even typing this. i feel like everything is a dream, like sometimes it even looks and sounds like i'm dreaming- colors are weird and people and objects look distorted, and everything sounds like its either very far away and echoey, or it's entirely too loud and i can't deal with hearing anything at all.

i have very specific routines that i have to follow and timeframes that i have to stick too, or i feel too lost and it gives me really bad anxiety. on the flip side of that, i act irrationally and make impulsive decisions if i get too emotional, so i feel like maybe my subconscious is using derealization to protect me from myself. i can't remember anything that's ever happened to me, until all of a sudden i remember everything that i don't want to remember, and it sends me into these terrible panic attacks where i'm screaming and crying and i can't breathe.

i feel like there has to be a reason i'm so fucked up. i've had some trauma; therapy is kind of helping, but i'm frustrated because i don't really have any emotional permanence. like sometimes i am a dissociative robot girl, and other times i'm this frazzled, hot mess. but when i'm being super bpd or when i'm experiencing derealization, it's like the other doesn't exist. i'm really tired of this black or white state of being, and i'd really love to discover some sort of grey area.

i'm sorry this is so long and probably doesn't make any sense. i have no idea what's going on lmao