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hi anyone,

actually I'm not even sure if DP/DR is what it is. I thought I was heading for a depression. the anxiety attacks I already got used to. it started out waking up in the middle of the night for no particular reason it seems, with my heart beating fast and hyperventilating. but I got scared to fall asleep, cause it meant that there was a risk for another panic attack. a few months ago, the panic attacks started in the evening already, watching television (the news for example). i don't like taking medication, and the medication i got, didn't work. I felt I was totally losing control over my body. i didn't sleep, i got tired, i ate until i burst, afterwards i got a stomach ache that made me forget how miserable i felt in my body. i gain weight, off course. :)

there are two nightmares that always come back. one is about christ pushing me down the stairs, I'm having that nightmare since I was 4 years old, and about two years there is a second one: people at work, friends, family looking at me, looking through me and discovering I'm doing nothing with my life. both give me the creeps.

I'm having this feeling as if my mind doesn't belong to my body. as if I'm stuck in a costume, playing a role in the movie that seems to be picked out to be my life. I often find myself just sitting there, thinking: this isn't my house, this isn't a life, I'm adopted, those people love me more than I love them and why is that? I find it difficult to recognize myself in pictures or home videos. looking in the mirror I can make all sorts off faces, thinking: so this is what I look like, what I sound like, this is how I smile, this is what happens to my hair if I run my fingers through it.

there are times when those feelings are less. most of the time that was when I fell in love. afterwards I often asked myself why I didn't feel anything anymore. that person became a part of my "play", I got attached, but more to the thought of having that person in my "life", than to the person itself.

I've never really had a passion in my life, unless, maybe, music. but never something that really kept me going. the older I get, the more difficult it seems to be interested in anything at all. I hold on to what I already know, i don't like changes. i don't like hard an sudden noises, i don't like answering the phone or talking to strangers. i can talk about my life and being assaulted as a child, as if it were someone elses story. I need other people to help me remember what my past looks like. I can't remember why I broke up with someone. when I read my diaries, they seem to be written by someone else.

I don't want to have kids, because I fear I won't love them enough, because I don't feel it the way other people seem to feel love. for the same reason all of my relationships come to an end, the moment i get afraid that some day it will all be over, from my point of view. I feel guilty for not loving my boyfriend the way that he loves me, because he deserves a girlfriend that feels the same way. I lost interest in making love. If I ever even had interest in it. I always looked at it as a way to gain control or power over someone, or as something in exchange for security and compassion.

It is as if I'm an observer to my own feelings, not feeling them myself.

yesterday i went looking on the internet. I promised myself to go seek professional help if it turned out i was heading towards a depression. after a whole battery of testings the results were: panic attacks, some form of depression (worse than I think it is) and indications for DP/DR. Some of the symptoms mentioned, I have, but not all. And apparantly it as a classical combination. Which reassures me. If it actually IS what I'm having, and I'm still not really convinced. Still talking about it with my boyfriend, asking him all sorts of questions, hoping he would say that he sometimes feels the same way.

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