Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I'm not a fantastic writer, so please don't hold it against me. In late August after a long day at work. me and co-worker decided to smoke marijuana on the ride home. Everything was fine, until I sat down. All at once time was distorted and warped, I couldn't maintain that I even existed or understood what life was. My heart was racing and I began to sweat uncontrollably, but some kind of way I didn't panic and yell out for help. After 3 hours I came back to my senses. The next day I still felt detached and traumatized about what had happened the night before. I couldn't believe what had happened it truly did scare the "Shit" outta me. Fast forward to now. I'm depersonalized and detached...I have an inability to remain present in the moment, to expand on that a little more clearly- imagine yourself sitting down and out of nowhere you can't remember how you even got there or why you even exist in that moment. It's horrible I can't even eat or find pleasure anymore. None of this is anything new to me or panic inducing, I have felt this all before. Back in 2011, specifically "New Years Day" I awoke in a dream. I struggled for weeks to grab myself out of that state, for weeks I wasn't myself or who I perceived I was back then. I was plagued by existential thoughts "Why do I exist" "what is the universe" "Who Am I" the typical run of the mill DP/DR bullshit. Months later I was medicated. It took awhile but it worked.. for 7 years I was in bliss and back to reality. I found a job and I formed relationships very quickly, there were moments when I felt depersonalized and panicky but I never let it get to me. In 2017 I made a horrible mistake by indulging in drugs and brought myself back into state of mind I spent years trying to get out of. The detachment I feel is so severe, me writing this feels so robotic and unreal. I can't even stay within the moment and enjoy life because now time doesn't exist. If you're just going through this just remember no matter how hard you think you have it right now, it's over million more who have it just as bad . I pray I have the courage and the patience to come out of this alive.