I have a question. Should be in the poll section I guess. Did you guys have a lot of stability as a child? For me I had none. My parents broke up and got back together about 10 times in my life. I've moved about 15 times throughout my life, mostly bouncing from home to home with my mom when she would leave my dad. Different schools, different towns, moved in with grandparents, relatives, etc. I long for a normal husband and life where everything is just, secure. But I don't really see that happening now.
Stability growing up
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I had a good bit of instability too: parents were divorced when I was young, and then remarried others in a relatively short period of time.
I had severe conflicts with my newly acquired step-family; if any particular stressor pushed me from developing a successful attachment to my environment it would have been my new step family, as there was a lot of mental instability in them (sister was hospitalized for psychological reasons, for example).
This desire to have stability seems common with us, and I believe is the result of an intense anxiety surrounding our inability to attach to the external world effectively - both in practice and in theory. This results in intense self-monitoring as we feel impending doom about to play on us if we don't regain stability.
It's interesting to note that I think the stability we once felt was limited in its depth - something as frivolous as social relations or a particular ritual (daydreaming, for example). Once that left - we were isolated once again.
The elegant solution appears to be finding something non-frivolous and somewhat abiding (a "normal husband" doesn't count as one can flake out on you at any time) to hold on to. Welcome to the chase, though - as none of us have found it yet.
I had severe conflicts with my newly acquired step-family; if any particular stressor pushed me from developing a successful attachment to my environment it would have been my new step family, as there was a lot of mental instability in them (sister was hospitalized for psychological reasons, for example).
This desire to have stability seems common with us, and I believe is the result of an intense anxiety surrounding our inability to attach to the external world effectively - both in practice and in theory. This results in intense self-monitoring as we feel impending doom about to play on us if we don't regain stability.
It's interesting to note that I think the stability we once felt was limited in its depth - something as frivolous as social relations or a particular ritual (daydreaming, for example). Once that left - we were isolated once again.
The elegant solution appears to be finding something non-frivolous and somewhat abiding (a "normal husband" doesn't count as one can flake out on you at any time) to hold on to. Welcome to the chase, though - as none of us have found it yet.
I've moved a lot - I am now in my 11th house (there are more that I can't remember though) in my 22 years. And the moves we made were quite big, creating parts of my life that are compartmentalised from each other - everything/everyone I knew in one area is completely seperate to the next.
Perhaps we should consider that we have a predisposition to react to stress or being unsettled or experiencing anxiety by trying to mentally escape(dissociating). And also that this predisposition may be created by nature as much as nurture.
However I agree that a troubled childhood, at whatever level that is experienced by us, certainly sets in motion the psychological mechanics for our unhealthy adult mental health.
I didnt think my childhood was that bad, and it certainly wasn't in comparison to lots of others. But I have always been a particularily sensitive individual and its that which made me vulnerable.
My chronic dissociation eased its way into my life durng a particularily prolonged period of stress and this new mental status is amply supported by many new sources of anxiety(although ironically I don't experience them!)
As for the delicate issue of rearing healthy well adjusted children its is this 'anxiety' more than any other that holds me in this depersonalised hell. Im frightend to feel, to react, to be anything but stable. I'm crippled by the belief that im allowing my own children to experience the same unsettled and moody upbringing I experienced...
So there, thats how it must happen do you think? Abuse can take many forms and look how easy it is to perpetute.
However I agree that a troubled childhood, at whatever level that is experienced by us, certainly sets in motion the psychological mechanics for our unhealthy adult mental health.
I didnt think my childhood was that bad, and it certainly wasn't in comparison to lots of others. But I have always been a particularily sensitive individual and its that which made me vulnerable.
My chronic dissociation eased its way into my life durng a particularily prolonged period of stress and this new mental status is amply supported by many new sources of anxiety(although ironically I don't experience them!)
As for the delicate issue of rearing healthy well adjusted children its is this 'anxiety' more than any other that holds me in this depersonalised hell. Im frightend to feel, to react, to be anything but stable. I'm crippled by the belief that im allowing my own children to experience the same unsettled and moody upbringing I experienced...
So there, thats how it must happen do you think? Abuse can take many forms and look how easy it is to perpetute.
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816 Posts
I had some instability un my childhood in regards to moving house and also bullying some of which, looking back at now (which I have only recently started doing) may have had an adverse effect on my self image, and may have been a traumatic stress trigger for my depersonalisation.
1st - settled down and had lots of friends - age 2 - 3
2nd move - settled down decent group of friends - 3 - 5
3rd move - settled down had good group of friends 5 - 11
4th move - settled down, took a while to settle in and didn't readjust as well as before , still had decent group of friends though took a while to make them.
I was also bullied, when I was in the scouts by a group of guys, they used to call me patch ergo (now dont laugh) that I didn't have a penis and instead had a bit of skin covered up by a leaf in it's place, sounds ridiculous but this teasing went on for quite a while and was unprovoked, they also called me gay all the time despite the fact that i would regularly join in conversations about girls and such, and I was made to feel like a piece of shit and worthless, and I think this severely affected my self image as now I don't feel partucly like I have a self due to the erosion that there bullying caused. Also what made some of this bullying worse was the fact that one of my best friends suddenly changed one day at a camp and joined in with this bullying, and they would constantly call me gay and take the piss, and this really really had a severe effect on my already crumbled self confidence and self image, ergo now I feel formless and illy defined. All this bullying went on from the age of 14 to I think about 15 possibly, a time when my brain was developing so I think this may have had a negative effect on how my brain developed in relation to self image and perception so may have had a hand in my future depersonalisation. The bullying was also 24/7 all day on a camp so imagine the stress that would cause to a young developing mind.
I have never talked about any of this to anyone, it's like poison thats stored up inside that I can't get out.
1st - settled down and had lots of friends - age 2 - 3
2nd move - settled down decent group of friends - 3 - 5
3rd move - settled down had good group of friends 5 - 11
4th move - settled down, took a while to settle in and didn't readjust as well as before , still had decent group of friends though took a while to make them.
I was also bullied, when I was in the scouts by a group of guys, they used to call me patch ergo (now dont laugh) that I didn't have a penis and instead had a bit of skin covered up by a leaf in it's place, sounds ridiculous but this teasing went on for quite a while and was unprovoked, they also called me gay all the time despite the fact that i would regularly join in conversations about girls and such, and I was made to feel like a piece of shit and worthless, and I think this severely affected my self image as now I don't feel partucly like I have a self due to the erosion that there bullying caused. Also what made some of this bullying worse was the fact that one of my best friends suddenly changed one day at a camp and joined in with this bullying, and they would constantly call me gay and take the piss, and this really really had a severe effect on my already crumbled self confidence and self image, ergo now I feel formless and illy defined. All this bullying went on from the age of 14 to I think about 15 possibly, a time when my brain was developing so I think this may have had a negative effect on how my brain developed in relation to self image and perception so may have had a hand in my future depersonalisation. The bullying was also 24/7 all day on a camp so imagine the stress that would cause to a young developing mind.
I have never talked about any of this to anyone, it's like poison thats stored up inside that I can't get out.
G
Guest
·Falling Free, your post touched me. Was this really the first time you ever told anyone about these experiences? Good you wrote it down.
I know what it does to a young developing mind. I feel mentally 'smashed to smithereens'.
The poison can come out, slowly, if you keep talking about it.
Take care.
That is so true. Ive had my own share of being bullied at around the same age as you were, but then by my father, lasting at least 5 years 24/7, but even when I went to live by myself at 20, he managed to keep bullying me (I have no contact with him anymore because of this).
I know what it does to a young developing mind. I feel mentally 'smashed to smithereens'.
The poison can come out, slowly, if you keep talking about it.
Take care.
G
Guest
·i hear ya guys and gals.
parents divorced at 2
remarried at about 8 to different people
seven year of walking on eggshells with new stepdad form about 8-15, which my councelour says are some of the most crucial years developmentaly
my dad has been invovled with drugs and alcohol my whole life and has been the example of what not to be when i grow up, (which scares the shit out of me when my mom would say you remind me of your father)
the years with stepdad from hell have planted this guilt in me that i can't shake, even now at the age of 22 i feel like i am allways doing something wrong. I agree though that talking about it and reminding myself that the guilt i feel isn't because i am doing anything horribly wrong.
parents divorced at 2
remarried at about 8 to different people
seven year of walking on eggshells with new stepdad form about 8-15, which my councelour says are some of the most crucial years developmentaly
my dad has been invovled with drugs and alcohol my whole life and has been the example of what not to be when i grow up, (which scares the shit out of me when my mom would say you remind me of your father)
the years with stepdad from hell have planted this guilt in me that i can't shake, even now at the age of 22 i feel like i am allways doing something wrong. I agree though that talking about it and reminding myself that the guilt i feel isn't because i am doing anything horribly wrong.
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