G
Guest
·Yes, so ive decided to type out my story of DP/DR, ANXIETY, DRUGS, DEPRESSION, OBSESSIVENESS and whatever else i have.
Ever since i was a young child, i have always been an anxious person. For example, when i was in first grade i hated school, and each mourning i would get anxious & possibly throw up or full a temper tantrum when it was time to go, Sometimes my mom literally had to drag me. Throughout my early years of school, i would be so anxious in the mourning that i couldn't eat breakfeast and sometimes this anxiety would stay with me during the early hours of school. Eventually as i got a little older, this kind of died down a bit, although usually like during the first week of school or so i would feel very anxious. This lasted up until about 10th grade. I want to side track here for a minute and give an example of how bad my anxiety could get before any DP/DR ever occured in my life.
A few summers ago i had to go to take drivers ed classes, now take notice i think i was 16 at the time. Well i was sooooooooooo anxious, when i got to the school where i had to take the classes. I felt nausea & anxiety basically almost every single day for the two weeks of the classes. I even went in the bathroom and threw up a few times. It was definietly not a fun experience. At one point i refused to go, but knew that i had to go so that i could eventually get my liscence. This is just an example of how at times my anxiety could get, but at the end of the day, i thought nothing of it.
Anyways, around the age of 15 i started smoking weed with friends here and there, no big deal, did it on weekends a few times, it was basically a new thing for us. We really didn't even know what we were doing yet, so alot of those times i probably didn't even get that high. Basically during my freshmen & sophmore years of high school i smoked on & off, kind of a casual thing. Never experienced one bit of DP/DR, panic attacks, visual distortions, NOTHING, i thought getting high was a good thing.
Well junior year came along, and basically i became a " pot head" lots and lots of people around me were getting high. I started smoking ALOT, but made sure it was only on weekends & such. I recall one night me and a few of my " friends" went to this kids house & stayed up all night, We must have smoked like 10 blunts ( weed wrapped in an empty cigar or in a tobacco wrap) and i remember having a few cups of Vodka & Cranberry juice. A few kids that night popped some Ecstasy, thankfully, i didn't. The next day, to say the least i was very very fuckin hungover.
I also want to add that i think a few years prior to my junior year i became depressed & self concious but really never admitted it. The weed tyraid continued on, and in the winter since i had no job, i started selling it, which meant it was around me even more & i could smoke whenever i wanted. So naturally i smoked more. Basically throughout my whole junior year i got high AT LEAST, 3, 4 times a week, still no DP/DR, no matter how much stress from school or how much weed i smoked or how depressed i felt, NO DP/DR. Matter of fact something tragic happened that junior year, a classmate/friend who i say i was pretty close to, we weren't best friends or anything, but we got along and he was a good kid, accidently shot himself in the head while he was drunk and died. This hit me pretty hard, it was a very devistating time for people at school & even people at other schools cuz he was a REAL popular kid. Its a damn shame what happened and i doubt that i will never forget it.
But of course, i still got high, sold drugs & went on living my " party" life. Not really giving a fuck about much. Drugs were all over my school, kids used to snort coke in the bathroom, roll up blunts in class, bring in liquor & get drunk during school, the whole nine yards. It was one big fuckin party. I had shitty grades, felt depressed but kept on partying & figured one day my life will get better.
Junior year ends, Summer begins, i say to myself, " you know what, im gonna stop smoking weed cuz i want to make the basketball team next year". So just like that i quit, i was never really addicted to it, i could go for weeks without smoking it & felt ok. So for most of that summer i didn't get high. Around July i started getting Acid Reflux & they started putting me on meds or that which made me feel like shit, so i got off of them. Around the end of the summer, i started smoking again, and i don't remember if i was on any Reflux meds or not at the time. Needless to say i was going back to my old ways. One day when i remember this whole DP/DR feeling clearly is when, i was at the gym with my friend, and i remember sitting down feeling very weird and very spaced out. This feeling continued and i called it the Mind Cloud. I kind of ignored it though. School started and on the very first day of school, right before, i got high in my backyard.
Once my senior year started up, i went back to getting high. And i was smoking more than ever, i basically started to give up on basketball. We would smoke all of the time, i even started smoking during school days/nights. At school, at home, in the car, at someone elses house, whereever. Everyone just loved getting high. But all of a sudden, when i wasn't high, i felt horrible, sort of like i was still high, but felt very shitty. I even believe now that during this time i had a few small panic attacks. I said to myself, man you gotta cut back on the weed. So i kind of did, notice i said KIND OF. But when i wasn't high i felt so shitty that i knew i had to stop soon. At this point DP/DR was pretty intense, but i had no idea what it was.
Soon after,a schoolmate/friend of mine, dropped dead while playing basketball. It was so sudden and such a shock, EVERYONE was in disbelief. A few weeks. maybe a month or so prior to this, occasionally i would have existential thoughts, but it didn't bother me THAT MUCH. Well when this happened, thoughts started racing, panic struck me and soon after, i had my first MAJOR PANIC ATTACK. It was horrible to say the least. A week later, i had another MAJOR PANIC ATTACK, soon followed by another. I had no idea what was happening to me, i thought either i was going insane or that i was going to die. I didn't tell anyone, but i had a great fear inside me & thought this might be the end for me.
Id also like to add the last few times i got high during this period, i felt very strange and didn't like it at all, i think i went into a panic each time i smoked.
A few weeks went by, no panic attacks, but the DP/DR was there, well like a fuckin idiot, right before Christmas vacaction, i decided to smoke, i figured if i only take a few hits i will be ok, well i was wrong, i believe that day to i had a panic attack. I felt so shitty all of the time, high or not. Around this time, i had what i thought was a sinus infection, went to the doctors, perscribed penacilin. Told him how i was feeling he said it could be due to a sinus infection & also maybe depression, recommended some therapists and that was it. Day after christmas, my cousin comes down with a HUGE bag of weed, me him & my other cousin go out and get high. I hated how i felt that day, all sorts of obsessive thoughts, just felt so bad and just wanted it to end.
Next day, im home alone, take some Penacilin, start watching a violent movie and BOOM! had one of the worst panic attacks ever. I thought for sure,that this was it, i was dying and that i wasn't goingto make it past this day. Called my mom, she took me to a walk in clinic, saw the doctor, my heart was fine, blood was fine, everything was fine. My mom thought it may have been an allergic reaction to the Penacilin, doctor didn't seem to disagree.
Next day, felt so bad, my parents forced me out of the house with them, went out and felt so strange, its undescribable. On the way home started having a panic attack, which continued for a while and around the time when it ended, i was slammed with obsessive thoughts of wanting to kill myself or hurt others and all sorts of weird shit. It scared the shit out of me. Told my mom, said she would call a therapist. Next mourning, wake up, litle while later, have another panic attack. Go see the doctor that very same day, perscribes Lexapro and Ativan. In the following two weeks or so i didn't want to leave the house, i didn't want to be left alone, i just wanted to lay on the couch & fight my obsessive thoughts, anxiety and whatever else. My perception of everything was so weird. Went to go see my first therapist ever, described my symptoms, she said she thought that it is probably anxiety and some marijuana withdrawal. Did tons of research online about " Marijuana Withdrawal", Come to find out, there really is NO marijuana withdrawal.
Eventually i return to school, the weridness continues, have a few more panic attacks, visual distortions start happening, Therapist really doesn't have a clue as to whats going on. I than start doing research on Depression and come accross DEPERSONALIZATION & DEREALIZATION & this website. Both of these describe how im feeling. Tell therapist & doctor, both have no clue. Continue on with school, still taking Lexapro & Ativan. Stll feel horrible. Finally i go see a psychiatrist, tell him about how im feeling and about the DP/DR, he tells me that its very rare & thinks i may be experiencing seizures instead. Go through a few months of confusion, Trying different meds, seizure meds etc. I decide since Lexapro isn't helping to stop taking it, like an idiot i stopped cold turkey start having withdrawal effects, Get back on it, start taking Klonopin, stop the ativan and finally SOME of my physical anxiety is gone.
I got a recommendation for another psychiatrist by my therapist, go see him, tell him everything and he says he is familiar with it all. FINALLY a doctor who is familiar with whats going on.He thinks it has to do with anxiety & marijuana. Other doctor still thinks its a seizure thing, the seziure meds i tried made me feel worse & eventually i stop seeing that psychiatrist. The other one Perscribes me Respirdal, I eventually wein off of the Lexapro. I felt like therapy was going nowhere, so i got another recommendation for another therapist, who i am currently seeing now.
Very smart guy, is familiar with all of my symptoms but also i think hes a bit confused as well and we are trying to get to the bottom of things.
I am now still taking Klonopin & in the process of weining off of Respirdal. I still feel i guess DR & maybe at times DP, still have visual distortions & occasional obessional thinking. Get anxious once in a while, like today ( first day of college classes) Still feel weird, spaced out, foggy, etc etc Feel depressed & hopeless at times and sometimes worry about going insane. Still feel tired, stressed & aggrivated, but i guess its all part of the fun. I must say this has been a very horrific experience and i hope that sometime soon things will start to get better.
Like i said, i just started taking classes at community college, i got a job a few weeks ago at a supermarket and things are ok most of the time. The one thing I love and want to pursue as a career is music, which is not going that great at the moment. It has ups and downs which will make me feel hopeful than make me feel totally hopeless.
I really wish things would clear up and all of this would stop so that i could be happy. But i guess i got work to do if i ever want to see that happen, of course IF IT EVER WILL HAPPEN!
So thats basically my story, sorry for it being so long, i probably left out some things to, but that pretty much sums everything up.
All i ask is that if you believe in God, pray for me or if you have any insight on how to get better, im always willing to recieve some.
Peace
Ever since i was a young child, i have always been an anxious person. For example, when i was in first grade i hated school, and each mourning i would get anxious & possibly throw up or full a temper tantrum when it was time to go, Sometimes my mom literally had to drag me. Throughout my early years of school, i would be so anxious in the mourning that i couldn't eat breakfeast and sometimes this anxiety would stay with me during the early hours of school. Eventually as i got a little older, this kind of died down a bit, although usually like during the first week of school or so i would feel very anxious. This lasted up until about 10th grade. I want to side track here for a minute and give an example of how bad my anxiety could get before any DP/DR ever occured in my life.
A few summers ago i had to go to take drivers ed classes, now take notice i think i was 16 at the time. Well i was sooooooooooo anxious, when i got to the school where i had to take the classes. I felt nausea & anxiety basically almost every single day for the two weeks of the classes. I even went in the bathroom and threw up a few times. It was definietly not a fun experience. At one point i refused to go, but knew that i had to go so that i could eventually get my liscence. This is just an example of how at times my anxiety could get, but at the end of the day, i thought nothing of it.
Anyways, around the age of 15 i started smoking weed with friends here and there, no big deal, did it on weekends a few times, it was basically a new thing for us. We really didn't even know what we were doing yet, so alot of those times i probably didn't even get that high. Basically during my freshmen & sophmore years of high school i smoked on & off, kind of a casual thing. Never experienced one bit of DP/DR, panic attacks, visual distortions, NOTHING, i thought getting high was a good thing.
Well junior year came along, and basically i became a " pot head" lots and lots of people around me were getting high. I started smoking ALOT, but made sure it was only on weekends & such. I recall one night me and a few of my " friends" went to this kids house & stayed up all night, We must have smoked like 10 blunts ( weed wrapped in an empty cigar or in a tobacco wrap) and i remember having a few cups of Vodka & Cranberry juice. A few kids that night popped some Ecstasy, thankfully, i didn't. The next day, to say the least i was very very fuckin hungover.
I also want to add that i think a few years prior to my junior year i became depressed & self concious but really never admitted it. The weed tyraid continued on, and in the winter since i had no job, i started selling it, which meant it was around me even more & i could smoke whenever i wanted. So naturally i smoked more. Basically throughout my whole junior year i got high AT LEAST, 3, 4 times a week, still no DP/DR, no matter how much stress from school or how much weed i smoked or how depressed i felt, NO DP/DR. Matter of fact something tragic happened that junior year, a classmate/friend who i say i was pretty close to, we weren't best friends or anything, but we got along and he was a good kid, accidently shot himself in the head while he was drunk and died. This hit me pretty hard, it was a very devistating time for people at school & even people at other schools cuz he was a REAL popular kid. Its a damn shame what happened and i doubt that i will never forget it.
But of course, i still got high, sold drugs & went on living my " party" life. Not really giving a fuck about much. Drugs were all over my school, kids used to snort coke in the bathroom, roll up blunts in class, bring in liquor & get drunk during school, the whole nine yards. It was one big fuckin party. I had shitty grades, felt depressed but kept on partying & figured one day my life will get better.
Junior year ends, Summer begins, i say to myself, " you know what, im gonna stop smoking weed cuz i want to make the basketball team next year". So just like that i quit, i was never really addicted to it, i could go for weeks without smoking it & felt ok. So for most of that summer i didn't get high. Around July i started getting Acid Reflux & they started putting me on meds or that which made me feel like shit, so i got off of them. Around the end of the summer, i started smoking again, and i don't remember if i was on any Reflux meds or not at the time. Needless to say i was going back to my old ways. One day when i remember this whole DP/DR feeling clearly is when, i was at the gym with my friend, and i remember sitting down feeling very weird and very spaced out. This feeling continued and i called it the Mind Cloud. I kind of ignored it though. School started and on the very first day of school, right before, i got high in my backyard.
Once my senior year started up, i went back to getting high. And i was smoking more than ever, i basically started to give up on basketball. We would smoke all of the time, i even started smoking during school days/nights. At school, at home, in the car, at someone elses house, whereever. Everyone just loved getting high. But all of a sudden, when i wasn't high, i felt horrible, sort of like i was still high, but felt very shitty. I even believe now that during this time i had a few small panic attacks. I said to myself, man you gotta cut back on the weed. So i kind of did, notice i said KIND OF. But when i wasn't high i felt so shitty that i knew i had to stop soon. At this point DP/DR was pretty intense, but i had no idea what it was.
Soon after,a schoolmate/friend of mine, dropped dead while playing basketball. It was so sudden and such a shock, EVERYONE was in disbelief. A few weeks. maybe a month or so prior to this, occasionally i would have existential thoughts, but it didn't bother me THAT MUCH. Well when this happened, thoughts started racing, panic struck me and soon after, i had my first MAJOR PANIC ATTACK. It was horrible to say the least. A week later, i had another MAJOR PANIC ATTACK, soon followed by another. I had no idea what was happening to me, i thought either i was going insane or that i was going to die. I didn't tell anyone, but i had a great fear inside me & thought this might be the end for me.
Id also like to add the last few times i got high during this period, i felt very strange and didn't like it at all, i think i went into a panic each time i smoked.
A few weeks went by, no panic attacks, but the DP/DR was there, well like a fuckin idiot, right before Christmas vacaction, i decided to smoke, i figured if i only take a few hits i will be ok, well i was wrong, i believe that day to i had a panic attack. I felt so shitty all of the time, high or not. Around this time, i had what i thought was a sinus infection, went to the doctors, perscribed penacilin. Told him how i was feeling he said it could be due to a sinus infection & also maybe depression, recommended some therapists and that was it. Day after christmas, my cousin comes down with a HUGE bag of weed, me him & my other cousin go out and get high. I hated how i felt that day, all sorts of obsessive thoughts, just felt so bad and just wanted it to end.
Next day, im home alone, take some Penacilin, start watching a violent movie and BOOM! had one of the worst panic attacks ever. I thought for sure,that this was it, i was dying and that i wasn't goingto make it past this day. Called my mom, she took me to a walk in clinic, saw the doctor, my heart was fine, blood was fine, everything was fine. My mom thought it may have been an allergic reaction to the Penacilin, doctor didn't seem to disagree.
Next day, felt so bad, my parents forced me out of the house with them, went out and felt so strange, its undescribable. On the way home started having a panic attack, which continued for a while and around the time when it ended, i was slammed with obsessive thoughts of wanting to kill myself or hurt others and all sorts of weird shit. It scared the shit out of me. Told my mom, said she would call a therapist. Next mourning, wake up, litle while later, have another panic attack. Go see the doctor that very same day, perscribes Lexapro and Ativan. In the following two weeks or so i didn't want to leave the house, i didn't want to be left alone, i just wanted to lay on the couch & fight my obsessive thoughts, anxiety and whatever else. My perception of everything was so weird. Went to go see my first therapist ever, described my symptoms, she said she thought that it is probably anxiety and some marijuana withdrawal. Did tons of research online about " Marijuana Withdrawal", Come to find out, there really is NO marijuana withdrawal.
Eventually i return to school, the weridness continues, have a few more panic attacks, visual distortions start happening, Therapist really doesn't have a clue as to whats going on. I than start doing research on Depression and come accross DEPERSONALIZATION & DEREALIZATION & this website. Both of these describe how im feeling. Tell therapist & doctor, both have no clue. Continue on with school, still taking Lexapro & Ativan. Stll feel horrible. Finally i go see a psychiatrist, tell him about how im feeling and about the DP/DR, he tells me that its very rare & thinks i may be experiencing seizures instead. Go through a few months of confusion, Trying different meds, seizure meds etc. I decide since Lexapro isn't helping to stop taking it, like an idiot i stopped cold turkey start having withdrawal effects, Get back on it, start taking Klonopin, stop the ativan and finally SOME of my physical anxiety is gone.
I got a recommendation for another psychiatrist by my therapist, go see him, tell him everything and he says he is familiar with it all. FINALLY a doctor who is familiar with whats going on.He thinks it has to do with anxiety & marijuana. Other doctor still thinks its a seizure thing, the seziure meds i tried made me feel worse & eventually i stop seeing that psychiatrist. The other one Perscribes me Respirdal, I eventually wein off of the Lexapro. I felt like therapy was going nowhere, so i got another recommendation for another therapist, who i am currently seeing now.
Very smart guy, is familiar with all of my symptoms but also i think hes a bit confused as well and we are trying to get to the bottom of things.
I am now still taking Klonopin & in the process of weining off of Respirdal. I still feel i guess DR & maybe at times DP, still have visual distortions & occasional obessional thinking. Get anxious once in a while, like today ( first day of college classes) Still feel weird, spaced out, foggy, etc etc Feel depressed & hopeless at times and sometimes worry about going insane. Still feel tired, stressed & aggrivated, but i guess its all part of the fun. I must say this has been a very horrific experience and i hope that sometime soon things will start to get better.
Like i said, i just started taking classes at community college, i got a job a few weeks ago at a supermarket and things are ok most of the time. The one thing I love and want to pursue as a career is music, which is not going that great at the moment. It has ups and downs which will make me feel hopeful than make me feel totally hopeless.
I really wish things would clear up and all of this would stop so that i could be happy. But i guess i got work to do if i ever want to see that happen, of course IF IT EVER WILL HAPPEN!
So thats basically my story, sorry for it being so long, i probably left out some things to, but that pretty much sums everything up.
All i ask is that if you believe in God, pray for me or if you have any insight on how to get better, im always willing to recieve some.
Peace
I know (and I'm sure you know) Paxil is not a good drug for everyone but I do believe it is worth trying. I personally don't think I would be alive if it wasn't for the Paxil. Just promise me that you will be patient with it and if you decide to stop using it, NEVER go cold turkey. If it doesn't help with any of your DP symptoms at least it can help with your depression. Oh and btw, there is a more natural alternative to upping serotonin in your system. You should check out this link: 
