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hello people

as you guys know, im a relapser.

one problem of me is, i try to feel or experience the same things like 2011-2014 for recovery. just because i think, maybe subconsciously, „that was the way how i recovered, now it should happen like the same way".

a problem is, the anhedonia part was being at my first episode quite mild. the perceptive symptoms were being full-blown. but i could for example fall in love or feel anything from making or listening music. that was the big key for me to give those perceptive symptoms a real huge shit. thats the biggest difference for me now.

i think the intensity of my anhedonia is with percentage like 50-60 percent. so i can drive me despite to do something. especially online casino is exciting for me. but if i hit big wins, im saying things like „oh yeah, thats it!" but the real feeling of happiness is lacking. i think it has also to do with the lose of interest on money. in some cases, especially when im going to cry, i can feel somewhat. or emotions like anger and brokeness are stronger for me. i posted a little days ago that my emotions came 80 percent back, but i dont know how i got that idea to post that. maybe its a self-lying.

i drifted a little bit out from the topic.

i dont know if its possible to recover from cases of dp like these. i think every time, the differences from the first episode show me i wont recover this time, or its the full-chronic form.

another thing is i just want to try tms. and i readed from mayer-gross people with a recent outset could benefit with the right setup of the protocol. (neuronavigation, the right machine, right coil, right area) but i dont know, if my onset is now from 2011 or from the time of my relapse? i really got some hope for tms, but that thing with the onset is confusing me.

thank you
 

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major depression and anxiety. the cause for them should be accumulated self-neglecting and emotionally self-abusing over the years.
Ah I see, was this also the same reason for the first episode? I'm pretty positive I read some where that there doesn't seem to be any real difference in the nature of episodic DP and chronic DP. So in that sense, just because what you are going through is worse than the last episode doesn't necessarily mean its chronic, could just be a bad episode. Have hope.
 

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Ah I see, was this also the same reason for the first episode? I'm pretty positive I read some where that there doesn't seem to be any real difference in the nature of episodic DP and chronic DP. So in that sense, just because what you are going through is worse than the last episode doesn't necessarily mean its chronic, could just be a bad episode. Have hope.
„chronic" does only mean if you have it for more than 6 months. not the whole life. i used the word „episode" only for the period of time of my first dp. and no, my first episode was triggered through a bad trip with synthetic weed.
 
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