Just what I have read about so far on here..well ok I'll say how I feel. First off it's hard to be new anywhere for me, I tend toward feeling sad and ignored. Yeah I know..Waahh. But anyway I'd like to stay and share more so I will put the "nobody likes me" sh*t aside and keep risking. I hope I can make paragraphs too, I know long winded stuff with no break is hard to read.
Trouble I have is I want one perfect solution, which is unrealsitic. I sift through others experiences trying to find what I would be willing too try. Yes, feeling my case is different but trying to be open minded anyway.
Before I came here I had definitely tried things on my own to avoid or deal with panic, self hate that comes with it, and Dp-ing. Mostly concluded that I need to stay on meds, and I have put limits on my activity so as not to be overstimulated by this world. However I don't wanna stay this way. I don't want to go out and book a plane trip tomorrow but I would like to make some progress with fear. Fear of people, fear of me, fear of travelling far from home.
I've read good things here. Like, don't focus on symptoms, it's a dead-end and only increases them. Also it's been suggested to get at what it really IS besides panic & Dp. Of course I will need to get back in therapy. Meanwhile I am really drawn to the idea that what I fear is something important underneath all the drama of symptoms.
My insight on what I really fear in the midst of being stuck in traffic and then having Dp and a panic attack is:
If I have to sit here crowded in with all these cars, with no quick escape, I will be REALLY ALONE with ME. There is a "me" that I don't want to sit in stillness with. There is a "me" that hates me. If I can move in traffic I can dissociate into the flow with everyone else. So it seems I am really getting by in life, as just one of many motorists, only as long as I don't have to experience the total mistrust I have for others in general, and the lack of confidence I have in me to handle life. I compare the others to myself and I come up short. I imagine they are all ok and know exactly how to handle lfe and have no use for a freak with terror in the next car.
I feel like a terrified child. I don't cry, I don't want to make noise, yet want to scream. I feel bottled up. Even though I pray, there is no Higher Power in my sight or access at these times. Does anybody think I am onto any REAL answers by breaking it down thus far?