Joined
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143 Posts
Hello again
I first came here in 2013, for fear of existance and the world etc.
Good news is it got better (took a long time though), I lived happily for years (atleast alot happier and alot happier than I could ever believe that I could feel then).
Bad news is, its back somewhat.
It started about 2 months ago when I got a pain in my testicle, the pain was immense and I went to the ER. They said there was nothing wrong with me and sent me back home.
The pain never subsided and I was after 3 days diagnosed with bitesticular-inflammation. I took antibiotics and painkillers. Worked fine for the first three days, but after that the pain came back, and the painkillers didnt work. I became desperate, it went on for weeks with no relief and I wanted to die. Once I went to the ER again and they gave me morphine which helped temporarely. They did however not find any fault with me.
The doctor said she thought I had had a sickness, but that the sickness and pain had been gone and this is mostly anxiety.
Oh shit I thought, not this again. some more days/weeks went by with immense pain and anxiety (cant believe I survived it honestly) and I took a benzo, which calmed me down AND relieved the pain.
I then somewhat understood that the pain was anxiety driven, so I kept taking benzos and also I took anti-deppressants. Eventually the pain subsided without the benzos.
That was about a week ago or so. So why am I here now? well the deppression is still here, and with the deppression and anxiety came the DPDR thoughts aswell.
Thoughts of existance, thoughts of if other people are really alive? Life feeling 2D and life just feeling completely crazy, absurd and weird.
I have altough somewhat learned to live and cope with those feelings over the years.
What eventually was the last drop for me to come back here was that I've been feeling episodes of complete apathy and no cognitive function whatsoever.
My parents would speak to me and ask how I do, and I hear them, and I want to speak out to them that I feel horrible and want help, but I just dont.
I become almost braindead. I cant get out of bed or anything, nothing matters to me when I'm like that. I got no feelings at all.
I have a feeling this is a reaction to the anti-deppressants (atleast I really really hope so) since Ive read that other people also have become "zombie/robot-like" from them (sertraline/zoloft is the name of the drug).
I become like a person with no meaning, just breathing in my bed. At those times I have difficulty reading aswell.
Right now I feel alot better than I did this morning when this happened, but I still feel really bad ofcourse, just not completely braindead/lobotomized.
I felt like this a week ago aswell when I upped the dosage of antideppresants from 25mg to 50mg. And it went on for about 24hrs.
I decided today to go back to 25mg and see if it helps bring my feelings back.
What I need now is hope and reassurence really. Im back to struggling for my life like I was 5 years ago and I want to believe I can do it again, but right now I dont.
I first came here in 2013, for fear of existance and the world etc.
Good news is it got better (took a long time though), I lived happily for years (atleast alot happier and alot happier than I could ever believe that I could feel then).
Bad news is, its back somewhat.
It started about 2 months ago when I got a pain in my testicle, the pain was immense and I went to the ER. They said there was nothing wrong with me and sent me back home.
The pain never subsided and I was after 3 days diagnosed with bitesticular-inflammation. I took antibiotics and painkillers. Worked fine for the first three days, but after that the pain came back, and the painkillers didnt work. I became desperate, it went on for weeks with no relief and I wanted to die. Once I went to the ER again and they gave me morphine which helped temporarely. They did however not find any fault with me.
The doctor said she thought I had had a sickness, but that the sickness and pain had been gone and this is mostly anxiety.
Oh shit I thought, not this again. some more days/weeks went by with immense pain and anxiety (cant believe I survived it honestly) and I took a benzo, which calmed me down AND relieved the pain.
I then somewhat understood that the pain was anxiety driven, so I kept taking benzos and also I took anti-deppressants. Eventually the pain subsided without the benzos.
That was about a week ago or so. So why am I here now? well the deppression is still here, and with the deppression and anxiety came the DPDR thoughts aswell.
Thoughts of existance, thoughts of if other people are really alive? Life feeling 2D and life just feeling completely crazy, absurd and weird.
I have altough somewhat learned to live and cope with those feelings over the years.
What eventually was the last drop for me to come back here was that I've been feeling episodes of complete apathy and no cognitive function whatsoever.
My parents would speak to me and ask how I do, and I hear them, and I want to speak out to them that I feel horrible and want help, but I just dont.
I become almost braindead. I cant get out of bed or anything, nothing matters to me when I'm like that. I got no feelings at all.
I have a feeling this is a reaction to the anti-deppressants (atleast I really really hope so) since Ive read that other people also have become "zombie/robot-like" from them (sertraline/zoloft is the name of the drug).
I become like a person with no meaning, just breathing in my bed. At those times I have difficulty reading aswell.
Right now I feel alot better than I did this morning when this happened, but I still feel really bad ofcourse, just not completely braindead/lobotomized.
I felt like this a week ago aswell when I upped the dosage of antideppresants from 25mg to 50mg. And it went on for about 24hrs.
I decided today to go back to 25mg and see if it helps bring my feelings back.
What I need now is hope and reassurence really. Im back to struggling for my life like I was 5 years ago and I want to believe I can do it again, but right now I dont.
