Can someone just tell me that they aren't created in my head, and prove it or something?
I don't know where to begin really. I'm on this course (I think) at the moment, which makes it sound as if I'm getting myself out there and getting better. In truth I feel more confused than ever.
I go there every day and while I'm on it, probably seem like the most normal of normal ever. However I'm just watching myself or someone do 'normal' stuff. It's not like I'm even pretending to be normal, I just watch someone automatically do something.
Every other bit of time is spent even more confused. Am I creating this? I must be because everything about what I see and hear seem to synchronised. It's just too coincidental that at the time period I'm having it, it's broadcast in the news, or Jim Carrey is saying the exact things I'm thinking in interviews.
When that's not the problem, the very idea of what being a human is will be. It seems too odd and complicated, that chemicals and atoms and all sorts can make things as intricately structured as a human. And that we are able to think independently because of this despite being made up of a load of random materials. Surely anything that would be made from random things would be as jagged as a rock.
The mere thought of this being just the effect the world and different things in it is having on my 'brain' itself is a problem. This would mean that I'm not actually conscious and I am just watching something happen.
Just reading back, this looks like a rambling mess, but this is my life at the moment. I don't know who I am. Why I'm doing things, and why everything is happening. And I don't know whether this is all actually happening. If it were simply mental illness then people would take notice. But if it were a movie or something else fictional then people wouldn't....and they're not. I constantly find myself interacting to people and with things I don't actually believe are there! And then I will say something that I don't actually feel I believe to others and myself, that being, 'I have this anxiety problem, I have a mental illness'. I don't actually believe that, so why am I saying it?
Even reading posts on this forum, I can't help but feel other people's conditions or problems are created by me, because again it seems to synchronised to not be my Invention or some kind of fiction.
Anyway, if that made any sense to you, tell me you're real, tell me something that I didn't create about you. I need something to hang on to.
