G
Guest
·Hello all...
I registered here so I figure I should post again... Well, infact, I want to because, well, I like reading other people's stories, they give me hope, so maybe mine will give some to someone else, or they can relate to it...
My DP/DR started when I was about 15... About 4 years ago... I was severely stressed with exams and over a boy (*blushes*) but he really was my first 'love', and there was a huge age gap between us, so my parents virtually locked me in the house til he left for Uni... At 15, thats suicidally depressing... I was very scared... I used to lie in bed at night repeating my name and age and birthdate etc. just to ground myself. The neurologist I went to see said all my tests were normal, and I had DP/DR and anxiety due to hyperventilation...
After a couple of years, it wained, went away... I was sooo happy but took it for granted really... But, these next couple of years were some of the most traumatic of my life... And I very nearly ended it all, a good few times... I fell in love... And I don't mean 17 year old love, infatuation or "crush" (I hate that word...) I was in love with this man... I cried, made myself physically ill at the thought of never being with him... I still cry now, but only because of the mess its left me in... I asked him out, he said yes... And then, one of my "friends" convinced him other wise and he dumped me, on a cold, dark, lonely christmas eve................................
It sounds pathetic, childish, something you "get over" and you reach 30 and wonder what the fuss was about... But it really wasn't...
Then, the "friend" I spoke of, who had ruined my life, seemingly, befriended me further, and - as I was depressed, actually, at points, hopelessly suicidal, I was self-harming, in a really dangerous spiral - I let him... The most evil being I have ever met, wormed his way under my skin, until I believed I couldn't live without him... And I wish to God I hadn't... As I know now, when you are depressed, watch your guard... there are many people who love you and want to help, there are those, sometimes, who feed from your depression... And he did. He loved every second I cried infront of him, every time I was vulnerable. He learned how to guage my moods and he "groomed" me... I was 18, and weak and worthless. He took advantage of me in EVERY way - To a extent that I have never told any of my family about his actions, as my Father would kill him... And when I finally stood upto him and said no to his advances one day, when I decided not to let him humiliate me, degrade me... He left me... He told me he didn't need me anymore and I was alone...
This scarred me mentally and physically... For ages afterwards I wouldn't let anyone touch me, hug me... I met my, now, fiance... He taught me to be close and "feel" again, but it was a long battle... Sometimes, if I drift into a world of my own, and he puts his arms around me, i'll flinch and it hurts him so much, but It's better now than it was...
I'm happier than I've ever been now, so why did my DP/DR come back now, and not last year when I was severely depressed...??
Maybe its because I've held all this inside it my bodies way of venting it all... I really don't know. But I keep going... Somedays I feel so confused, liek theres too much light and sound in the world, it's all too much to take and gets all blurred or 2D... And like everythings slow and it takes my brain hours to register everything... Or, like my arms and hands arent mine - Totally disconnected... My world now isn't real... And I'm still depressed... But, slowly I'm regaing reality... It's tough but I can see the light now... Somedays I won't leave the house, I feel like NO-ONE's symptoms can be as bad as mine, but, obviously they are!!!
Oh, and for anyone into herbal remedies, my Mom introduced me to "Bach's Rescue Remedy"... It's a bottle of floral mixture, tastes a bit like alcohol but isn't... 4 drops on your tongue 4 times a day keeps you kinda positive... It's made my life bearable!!!!! It actually got me out of th house a few days running when I was scared to be outside...
I am so sorry for that long post... But I thought that, if at least one person reads my story, maybe in a similar position, they can see that I came through DP/DR, Depression, self harm etc. and survived...
Thanks for reading
xXSarahXx
I registered here so I figure I should post again... Well, infact, I want to because, well, I like reading other people's stories, they give me hope, so maybe mine will give some to someone else, or they can relate to it...
My DP/DR started when I was about 15... About 4 years ago... I was severely stressed with exams and over a boy (*blushes*) but he really was my first 'love', and there was a huge age gap between us, so my parents virtually locked me in the house til he left for Uni... At 15, thats suicidally depressing... I was very scared... I used to lie in bed at night repeating my name and age and birthdate etc. just to ground myself. The neurologist I went to see said all my tests were normal, and I had DP/DR and anxiety due to hyperventilation...
After a couple of years, it wained, went away... I was sooo happy but took it for granted really... But, these next couple of years were some of the most traumatic of my life... And I very nearly ended it all, a good few times... I fell in love... And I don't mean 17 year old love, infatuation or "crush" (I hate that word...) I was in love with this man... I cried, made myself physically ill at the thought of never being with him... I still cry now, but only because of the mess its left me in... I asked him out, he said yes... And then, one of my "friends" convinced him other wise and he dumped me, on a cold, dark, lonely christmas eve................................
It sounds pathetic, childish, something you "get over" and you reach 30 and wonder what the fuss was about... But it really wasn't...
Then, the "friend" I spoke of, who had ruined my life, seemingly, befriended me further, and - as I was depressed, actually, at points, hopelessly suicidal, I was self-harming, in a really dangerous spiral - I let him... The most evil being I have ever met, wormed his way under my skin, until I believed I couldn't live without him... And I wish to God I hadn't... As I know now, when you are depressed, watch your guard... there are many people who love you and want to help, there are those, sometimes, who feed from your depression... And he did. He loved every second I cried infront of him, every time I was vulnerable. He learned how to guage my moods and he "groomed" me... I was 18, and weak and worthless. He took advantage of me in EVERY way - To a extent that I have never told any of my family about his actions, as my Father would kill him... And when I finally stood upto him and said no to his advances one day, when I decided not to let him humiliate me, degrade me... He left me... He told me he didn't need me anymore and I was alone...
This scarred me mentally and physically... For ages afterwards I wouldn't let anyone touch me, hug me... I met my, now, fiance... He taught me to be close and "feel" again, but it was a long battle... Sometimes, if I drift into a world of my own, and he puts his arms around me, i'll flinch and it hurts him so much, but It's better now than it was...
I'm happier than I've ever been now, so why did my DP/DR come back now, and not last year when I was severely depressed...??
Maybe its because I've held all this inside it my bodies way of venting it all... I really don't know. But I keep going... Somedays I feel so confused, liek theres too much light and sound in the world, it's all too much to take and gets all blurred or 2D... And like everythings slow and it takes my brain hours to register everything... Or, like my arms and hands arent mine - Totally disconnected... My world now isn't real... And I'm still depressed... But, slowly I'm regaing reality... It's tough but I can see the light now... Somedays I won't leave the house, I feel like NO-ONE's symptoms can be as bad as mine, but, obviously they are!!!
Oh, and for anyone into herbal remedies, my Mom introduced me to "Bach's Rescue Remedy"... It's a bottle of floral mixture, tastes a bit like alcohol but isn't... 4 drops on your tongue 4 times a day keeps you kinda positive... It's made my life bearable!!!!! It actually got me out of th house a few days running when I was scared to be outside...
I am so sorry for that long post... But I thought that, if at least one person reads my story, maybe in a similar position, they can see that I came through DP/DR, Depression, self harm etc. and survived...
Thanks for reading
xXSarahXx
