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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I am totally discouraged now cause anxiety just hit me and it is not just anxiety.

I was doing better for some weeks and today in the morning I was really calm and all, and then I even felt energetic and then suddenly I am down.
It is obvious that it is related to the energetic state, it is like when I feel good I inevitably fall into a pit.

In this case falling into a pit means:
I suddenly get empty and then I am afraid of being institutionalized(maybe a symbol of feeling so out of control). The thought of being institutionalized scares the hell out of me because I am afraid of being labeled mentally ill and not in charge of my life and I am the hell afraid of being at some doctors mercy that can do just anything to me and I am nothing.

Then after the emptiness I get anxious and I feel like I break down and cry. It is as if every grip fades and I can't hold on to my surroundings and everythings breaks off and I am floating alone in an empty space. I am like freaking out at that point.

I could fortunately calm down but I am still like I had experienced death.

I am so discouraged because I was doing better before and then suddenly I break down and it seems every brighter moment leads to hell.

Please anybody help I am so messed up right now.
 
G

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Discussion Starter · #2 ·
I am totally discouraged now cause anxiety just hit me and it is not just anxiety.

I was doing better for some weeks and today in the morning I was really calm and all, and then I even felt energetic and then suddenly I am down.
It is obvious that it is related to the energetic state, it is like when I feel good I inevitably fall into a pit.

In this case falling into a pit means:
I suddenly get empty and then I am afraid of being institutionalized(maybe a symbol of feeling so out of control). The thought of being institutionalized scares the hell out of me because I am afraid of being labeled mentally ill and not in charge of my life and I am the hell afraid of being at some doctors mercy that can do just anything to me and I am nothing.

Then after the emptiness I get anxious and I feel like I break down and cry. It is as if every grip fades and I can't hold on to my surroundings and everythings breaks off and I am floating alone in an empty space. I am like freaking out at that point.

I could fortunately calm down but I am still like I had experienced death.

I am so discouraged because I was doing better before and then suddenly I break down and it seems every brighter moment leads to hell.

Please anybody help I am so messed up right now.
 

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Dearest I, Am with you on this one, it is very frightening to find oneself back in familiar horrible states, when you have experienced being better. It somehow makes it worse and more difficult to cope with. If its any consolation, I am just emerging now from a four-week dp episode which has paralysed my head and my life and brought me free-falling back down another rabbit hole of deathly no feeling and bizarre thought loops which, once more felt like they would never end. You are doing the right thing asking for help, keep coming on to this site if you can, keep connecting, any kind of connection is a step against the 'illness', because this illness is an illness of disconnection. Keep relating to people. Keep trying to do the focus outward trick even though it doesn't feel possible. One thing I have been doing lately in this last episode, was remembering times when I have been better - moments and memories - times when I know that I was better, and can objectively recall the experience in my mind, even though I can't connect with that state, and it doesn't feel like it ever happened and it certainly doesn't feel like it is making any difference to me by recalling them. But I do believe this practice does help a little bit. These memories of brighter moments are things to hold on to, to know that you can be different and that your state of mind will change again and you will re-connect with yourself and the world again. Hope this helps. Not sure. Sending you beams of love and hope and connection. Sarah x
 

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Dearest I, Am with you on this one, it is very frightening to find oneself back in familiar horrible states, when you have experienced being better. It somehow makes it worse and more difficult to cope with. If its any consolation, I am just emerging now from a four-week dp episode which has paralysed my head and my life and brought me free-falling back down another rabbit hole of deathly no feeling and bizarre thought loops which, once more felt like they would never end. You are doing the right thing asking for help, keep coming on to this site if you can, keep connecting, any kind of connection is a step against the 'illness', because this illness is an illness of disconnection. Keep relating to people. Keep trying to do the focus outward trick even though it doesn't feel possible. One thing I have been doing lately in this last episode, was remembering times when I have been better - moments and memories - times when I know that I was better, and can objectively recall the experience in my mind, even though I can't connect with that state, and it doesn't feel like it ever happened and it certainly doesn't feel like it is making any difference to me by recalling them. But I do believe this practice does help a little bit. These memories of brighter moments are things to hold on to, to know that you can be different and that your state of mind will change again and you will re-connect with yourself and the world again. Hope this helps. Not sure. Sending you beams of love and hope and connection. Sarah x
 
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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Thank you whiterabbit, that is such a nice reply I could have cried.

I do try to focus outward, when I felt like floating in an empty space I was like " this is my room, the window, I know who I am, it's all right, it's all right, the desk, made of wood, the computer, my room".

Then I sat down to write the thread. It was soothing because visiting this board reminds me of people who go through hell themselves and come out of it so here I feel a bit safe.

Although when I post such things I am always insecure, I am thinking nobody is interested and it all sounds probably really stupid and trivial.

Thank you that you mentioned that it is all about connection, this is so true and it is definitely the right word, I easily forget the basics when I am so confused. It helps reading about it and being reminded of it.
I just went to my neighbor, talking helps too although I was dped and kept asking myself if I am going to lose it and go crazy. That is by far my biggest fear.

Thank you so much for the reply, whiterabbit.
 
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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Thank you whiterabbit, that is such a nice reply I could have cried.

I do try to focus outward, when I felt like floating in an empty space I was like " this is my room, the window, I know who I am, it's all right, it's all right, the desk, made of wood, the computer, my room".

Then I sat down to write the thread. It was soothing because visiting this board reminds me of people who go through hell themselves and come out of it so here I feel a bit safe.

Although when I post such things I am always insecure, I am thinking nobody is interested and it all sounds probably really stupid and trivial.

Thank you that you mentioned that it is all about connection, this is so true and it is definitely the right word, I easily forget the basics when I am so confused. It helps reading about it and being reminded of it.
I just went to my neighbor, talking helps too although I was dped and kept asking myself if I am going to lose it and go crazy. That is by far my biggest fear.

Thank you so much for the reply, whiterabbit.
 
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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
just wanted to let you know you aren't alone. i'm going through the same thing.. was feeling better and then down again and i'm so scared i won't get back to feel good..

it's really hard, but i think it's just taking it day by day and know that everything passes eventually.
 
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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
just wanted to let you know you aren't alone. i'm going through the same thing.. was feeling better and then down again and i'm so scared i won't get back to feel good..

it's really hard, but i think it's just taking it day by day and know that everything passes eventually.
 

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Hi I,

WR and FemCat are really speaking from their hearts and what they have recently been enduring. Your thoughts could never be stupid or trivial. Please do not sell your mind short. ;-)

Keep working on living in the present and future. Keep talking with your neighbor. Positive affirmations like you were talking about..."this is my room..." help to keep us from leaving the planet.

You are here and at some point you will remember and "feel" here again.

Till then, we are all with you.

Take care,
terri
 

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Hi I,

WR and FemCat are really speaking from their hearts and what they have recently been enduring. Your thoughts could never be stupid or trivial. Please do not sell your mind short. ;-)

Keep working on living in the present and future. Keep talking with your neighbor. Positive affirmations like you were talking about..."this is my room..." help to keep us from leaving the planet.

You are here and at some point you will remember and "feel" here again.

Till then, we are all with you.

Take care,
terri
 

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Just wanted to add that I had been feeling consistently good for about 2-3 months, but crashed down to feeling horrible again the end of last week. It sucks so bad and feels worse than ever, probably since I had been feeling good for a while. I feel so down and depressed. It sucks so bad. Just wanted to let you know I am hangin in there with you. Take care and hang in there.

Kelson
 

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Just wanted to add that I had been feeling consistently good for about 2-3 months, but crashed down to feeling horrible again the end of last week. It sucks so bad and feels worse than ever, probably since I had been feeling good for a while. I feel so down and depressed. It sucks so bad. Just wanted to let you know I am hangin in there with you. Take care and hang in there.

Kelson
 
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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
I read all the replies in the morning before I was out to manage some financial stuff.

Before I left the house I was really calm because I read all the replies and it is really good to know that there are people who understand.
I was dped a little but it wasn't that big a deal and I could handle it.

I would like to tell you that everything went fine not least because of you guys backing me up.
When I got home my mood was pretty good, a bit artificial though (uplift).
Then I felt sad and depressed (pit) but no dp anymore and no anxiety.
Right now I am pretty balanced and I am glad that I can put down that I am really thankful for the replies, each one calms me.

I wish I could express more adequately how much you all helped.
Thank you.
 
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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
I read all the replies in the morning before I was out to manage some financial stuff.

Before I left the house I was really calm because I read all the replies and it is really good to know that there are people who understand.
I was dped a little but it wasn't that big a deal and I could handle it.

I would like to tell you that everything went fine not least because of you guys backing me up.
When I got home my mood was pretty good, a bit artificial though (uplift).
Then I felt sad and depressed (pit) but no dp anymore and no anxiety.
Right now I am pretty balanced and I am glad that I can put down that I am really thankful for the replies, each one calms me.

I wish I could express more adequately how much you all helped.
Thank you.
 
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