[nonamenomad]

hi all. this is my first post ever here, I actually just discovered this forum about a month ago. im 21 years old, and I’ve had DR/DP with severe anxiety for about 7/8 years now. it makes me feel better to know I’m not alone in this, but also sad because so many others have to feel life through this fucked up filter. I guess the point of this post is just seeking advice or comfort, relatability or knowing I’ll be okay again.
in the years I’ve had dr/dp, it’s like I’ve somewhat learned to live with it throughout the years. not recovered by any means, in fact I’m just now starting therapy for it again. I’ve been on lamictial for about 2 years now, it’s been nothing really. how it is with me is I’ll have days where I feel terrified being alive. others will be a good day. for the past few years though, it’s like that cycle, and then every once and while the bad days build and build and I have a very bad (always worse than the last) panic attack. the thing with me is that because I’ve been so used to dr/dp, how it happens is my dr/dp is always heightened and heightened, then i blow up (panic attack), and then after that I’m comfortable again for a while and the cycle continues. except recently, I’d been noticing I’ve been feeling way more uncomfortable in public than usual, at my old job and just in general. this latest “episode” or “series” of it, has caused me to really shut down and stay in. im jobless because human interaction and the outside truly scares the living hell out of me currently. my last big panic attack, I haven’t “snapped back out of it”… which ALWAYS happens by now.. and I’m absolutely terrified that was my “mental break” and I’m gonna be stuck this way forever. which is not good, because I quit my job, I barely can talk to my fiancé or mom & dad, or friend. i can barely shower, take care of myself, just the basic necessities in order to live. i start therapy again this week, and getting new meds. im just really petrified & worried this will be my mind or life forever now. because it’s miserable. and I feel scared & alone & empty & numb all at the same time. and I’m so forgetful, or losing my memories it seems like…? idk, im rambling. i guess if you have something to say to this, please do. interaction would give me some new perspective maybe? quiet some of these thoughts I hope.
hoping we all kick ass & feel good,
a

 

[coolwhip27]

I liked the way you described your process of "getting used to" the bad feeling of dp/dr. Thats for me too man, its called living in a condition that you arent ok with. And it really isnt ok... To have to deal with something that you cant control, knowing it COULD be better but it isnt becoming so. Yeah. Oh, and welcome to the forum my good sir.

 

[Tim Couch 1999]

it makes me feel better to know I’m not alone in this, but also sad because so many others have to feel life through this fucked up filter.

I love the way you describe DP/DR. It really is a "fucked up filter." It became chronic for me about two months ago, and it really is a completely different experience of consciousness. There are times where I'm in awe at how bizarre the experience is - a completely distorted and unrecognizable reality with my subconscious running the show and keeping me from going insane.

Question for OP and anyone else who encounters this: do you ever have moments where it feels like you have been something else? During intense dissociation, I feel like I've been something else before, but I just can't tell what. I find it hard to believe that I've always been confined to this body.

 

[nonamenomad]

I love the way you describe DP/DR. It really is a "fucked up filter." It became chronic for me about two months ago, and it really is a completely different experience of consciousness. There are times where I'm in awe at how bizarre the experience is - a completely distorted and unrecognizable reality with my subconscious running the show and keeping me from going insane.

Question for OP and anyone else who encounters this: do you ever have moments where it feels like you have been something else? During intense dissociation, I feel like I've been something else before, but I just can't tell what. I find it hard to believe that I've always been confined to this body.

i can’t say I relate to that experience in it’s entirety, but I somewhat feel like I do. it’s like the more I overthink and just dissect and analyze myself, my body, my movements, the world around me, I feel that way. like I’m scared of the fact that I even exist & there’s no way out. maybe im way off from what you mean, but I do get it.

 

[Tim Couch 1999]

i can’t say I relate to that experience in it’s entirety, but I somewhat feel like I do. it’s like the more I overthink and just dissect and analyze myself, my body, my movements, the world around me, I feel that way. like I’m scared of the fact that I even exist & there’s no way out. maybe im way off from what you mean, but I do get it.

I totally relate to being afraid of existence. I'd say that's one of the worst symptoms. I don't know about you, but there's always this underlying feeling of being trapped. It's like DP makes me want to escape this reality for some reason, but to what other reality? I have no idea. This is why I say DP is one the worst mental health problems you can have - you're afraid of reality! At least with depression you have reality to fall back on.

 

[nonamenomad]

I totally relate to being afraid of existence. I'd say that's one of the worst symptoms. I don't know about you, but there's always this underlying feeling of being trapped. It's like DP makes me want to escape this reality for some reason, but to what other reality? I have no idea. This is why I say DP is one the worst mental health problems you can have - you're afraid of reality! At least with depression you have reality to fall back on.

yes exactly that. do you find trouble holding a job or that small simple daily tasks feel difficult or impossible without having a panic attack/severe disconnect?

 

[coolwhip27]

yes exactly that. do you find trouble holding a job or that small simple daily tasks feel difficult or impossible without having a panic attack/severe disconnect?

I do. Mole hills for others tend to look like mountains to me. Today I read a post in a different forum talking about how they will avoid little tasks because they don’t feel like they are mindfully up to it yet. Until they get back their self, they refrain from even trying. Does that resonate with you?

 

[nonamenomad]

I do. Mole hills for others tend to look like mountains to me. Today I read a post in a different forum talking about how they will avoid little tasks because they don’t feel like they are mindfully up to it yet. Until they get back their self, they refrain from even trying. Does that resonate with you?

100%. As a$$ as it is, it makes me feel better knowing I’m not just lazy or unmotivated and others have struggled with that as well. It just literally feels as if I’d die or not make it if I tried to do some of these things. Just feels unsafe, and I don’t wanna out myself in it.

 

[Tim Couch 1999]

yes exactly that. do you find trouble holding a job or that small simple daily tasks feel difficult or impossible without having a panic attack/severe disconnect?

Luckily I have a remote job, so I don't have trouble continuing to work. But I do suspect that I would have trouble if I had to work in an office full time. I'm not house-bound by any means, but this current bout of DP has made me not want to leave the house as much. DP has also given me major focus issues, and I believe that would be exacerbated if I had to work out of the house. You're not alone experiencing these problems.