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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I feel so terrible. Sorry to keep moaning. I literally feel like the worst human on the planet. I have no emotional positivity, I am increasingly consumed by the certainty that my life is a complete mess and that life, in general, is utterly futile. I cannot get any enjoyment from anything. I am always exhausted. I am certain I will never change. I hate having to working in this poxy job, for what? What's the point?. I hate everyone I meet. I want revenge, vengence...for what, I don't know. I'm getting fat, I drink too much. I take too many Clonazepam (the ONLY thing that EVER makes me feel even slightly happy). I have a mouthfull of ulcers. I am useless at everything. I want to disembowel the people here at work who are flitting around in excitement about the........new paintwork in the office. :roll: My flat is a dingy hole. I'm running out of money, again. My new girlfriend adores me but I couldn't give a damn. I just want to sleep and never wake up. Everything is so bloody hopeless. What am I even doing here?
 

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Martinelv said:
I'm getting fat, I drink too much. I am useless at everything. I'm running out of money, again. I just want to sleep and never wake up. Everything is so bloody hopeless. What am I even doing here?
This sounds just like my life martin! Seriously...I'm running out of money again, I can only make it to the end of the year, and then I have to ask my mom and dad for help...uh....I'm not getting fatter but I'm not getting in shape either, uh.... I have been drinking too much for the past week!!! Like everyday and coming in after 4 or 5 am everynight partying.... Sometimes I ask myself if I even want to go on....wow....I'm with you brother, youre not alone!
 

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sorry to hear you are struggling martin,we all do!!!wrote my car off yesterday,and badly damaged another one at a shopping centre carpark.lost concentration in a split second and bang.spent a looooong time yesterday feeling sorry for myself and disgusted at myself for it.im waiting on my insurance company to get back to me with the bad news,and the garage.i may have to pay up to 3000 euro for the damage to the other car.just when i was getting on top of things!the point to this post,is that even normal circumstances involve bad luck and horrible feelings.anyone would have felt the same way as i did yesterday,mental illness or not.the good thing about this is how im facing the future.i will eventually get back on top of things financially.myself and my brother went out yesterday nite and laughed about it.my family will support me.noone was hurt.my car was a piece of crap anyway.ive established myself as being unlucky,and be the but of jokes and laughter,in a good way,and i can go about my business with wreckless flamboyance from now on.i will get another car,money aint everything.it is a timely reminder to rise phoenix like from the ashes and salvage something.to hell with existential angst,im going to plough on with life and do my best,and milk the sympathy vote,surfing its silver wave for as long as possible!!
 

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Martin, you're misery causes me great angst. :(

After posting together for at least two years, I have seen you ride your emotional rollercoaster quite frequently. This is the worst. I can only think this episode started after being diagnosed with leukemia. That's when I recall this downward spiral beginning.

Somewhere along the line you have to be getting some positive advice from somebody. You continue to repeat your same negative patterns and then burst out in a rage when you come to the same conclusion. You are headstrong that you will go down fighting, boozing and loving women. Maybe you are just like writers and other artist...you insist on taking yourself down.

This, of course, saddens me to no end.

But there is a future called tomorrow and I insist on sticking around and making sure I get a nice damn piece of it before I go down. I know that after all the bad days come some good ones and so do you. Please stop abusing yourself Martin and let someone break thru that wall you put up years ago.

If you weren't so smart, I'd have to call you stupid. :?

Again, I do think this episode started with your diagnosis...when you think back on it, what do you think?
 

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Martin,

Know that you have been an inspiration, and still are. Even in you bad times that you go through your posts are helpful, because it shows that you go through exactly what many are going through here on this board, and there are times when you are strong for others and there are times when you also need a hand.... So know that this rough spot like all the others will pass, that you are cared about here and admired by many. Yes our lives may seem like sh*@ somedays, but other days we are fine and we should cherish those. I actually was feeling quite bad about myself till I read your post and saw your pain was worse then mine right now.... So go be with your girl who loves you and even though you feel like you don't care, you do.. deep down where the real Martin lives you care.... or you wouldn't be here posting anymore.... Hang in there man...you will feel better. One little piece of advice...slow down on the drinking cause it will depress you......
 

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i agree with terri.im not as long on this board as you guys but i can empathize totally with your feelings.i dont konw the ups and downs of meds.i dont know about divorces.i do know about alcohol abuse and the dirty mindset that follows a nite of abuse of booze.you might as well be flushing your meds down the toilet if you are binge drinking or boozing regularly.you are doing everything right,working and getting your own place.having read your posts with great interest i can see what you are suffering.heres my advice to you.

1cut down on the short term escape of booze.you are overdoing it,no question about that.
2follow homeskooleds advice.it rocks.
3find a value system that brings meaning into your life.you must keep looking until you find one.it may be a form of spirituality or an enviornmental or humanitarian campaign.it must be found.the clever philosophies of emptiness lead to misery.recovery is impossible.
4exercise
5socialize

you are doing everything else right.you are intellegent.you are understanding.you have great clarity and articulation in your posts.you have a sence of humour.all you have been thru has to count for something.unfortunately i dont have the miracle answer.i can only offer coping mechanisms.this bloody angst that we have being talking about must be disrupted and fought tooth and nail.where was it last sunday when man u beat chelsea?i like homeskooleds angle on neurology.if youre insurance covers it,go and get one of those scans.try the london hospital or even go abroad.keep the faith,remember that the first ever person with hiv cleared himself of the virus yesterday.nothing is impossible.
 

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sorry to hear you feel like crap but there seems to be a connection with drink and depression......i dont meen to sound patronizing but you sounded a happier person when you wernt drinking and you were going for your long walks....
i spent the weekend drinking wine sprizters and yesterday was horrific,basically for me when i am coming down from the booze buzz i struggle to even get the energy to do my shoelaces up
 

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I totally, totally second what JC said. Stop drinking man. I really dont think that you are a depressive - you either build up or destroy your life with energy, which is something a depressive doesnt have. Stop drinking and you'll solve alot of problems at once (1) You'll lose weight (2) Your cholesterol/triglycerides will improve (3) Your depressive state will become much less frequent. You dont really need any of the supplements you take now, except for Omega 3 fatty acids, because they help the brain repair itself. What you should be doing is takine a vitamin B complex. When you drink you remove 2 things from your body (1) Water, and (2) B vitamins. In its worse form, it goes far beyond depression into an amnesia state called Wernicke-Korsakoff syndrome. Brain cells, from an actual lack of B-vitamins, will begin dying. The treatment for the alcoholics who get it is to hospitalize them and give them B-vitamins. In some cases it works, in others its too late. You arent anywhere near that bad, but stop the drink, take a B-vitamin complex, and talk to your doctor about Lamictal. Very simple steps in your life are going to have a huge impact, Martin.

Lastly, something that helps me immensely is NOT LIVING ALONE. I will never, ever live alone, until I am securely past all of my health/emotional problems. Get a male roommate that you trust. Great companionship, you can help them out with their issues, they can look out for you, give you a reality check. At the worst, when both of you are at a loss for what to do, there will at least be someone else in the house going about their business. Its a good feeling when you feel like noone knows what you are going through (or you even exist) to have someone living with you.

Peace
Homeskooled
 

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terri* said:
This, of course, saddens me to know end because as I worry about you, I think I, too, have a mouth full of ulcers, a crappy cold, a gimpy leg, a wondering how I am going to make it another 20 years, a marriage with no closeness, another cloudy day, aging ailing parents, a 16 year old poodle that may die any day, a medically sick husband, perimenopause, derealization, anxiety, tinnitus, an emptiness in my soul that if I would face I could probably feel and a million crappy things that sadden me about the way this world is spinning.
Terri*, this was so sad for some reason. I just want to give you a huge hug. :(

Martin, i'm damn sorry to hear that you're still having a tough time of it. You were a huge help to me when i was going through a tough time and it distresses me that i can't ever seem to think up the right things to say in these situations to help others.

As i'm at work right now and can't get too deeply into anything, please read this post i made awhile back which i made when i was feeling the same as you are right now. I realize it's quite self-aggrandizing to refer someone else to one's own threads, but who knows, maybe it will help. It helped me writing it. Also, i don't think i could give better advice to you than what this says. In any case, know that you're not alone and that you will get through this, again, stronger than ever before.

http://www.dpselfhelp.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=1971&highlight=cloudbursting
 

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Dear Martin,
I agree 100% with every thing said here. Sheesh, I should have a roommate myself as well, LOL. I think I have to get a dog at least.

I hope you got my PM which says everything already.

You sound so depressed, bottom line.

Well, every bit of this thread is sound advice. That's all I can say.

L,
D
 

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Wow Sebastian....wow....I'd totally forgot about that obsession which brought you to the board. You've come a long way from that. I'd like to point out the head injury which brought on your DP for the first time, though....classic case, my friend. No, dont roll your eyes. If I had a penny for every patient my friend Dr. Amen sees who has abnormal temporal lobe activity from head injuries, I'd be alot richer than I am now (although still in the poverty bracket). They are situated between two bones in the front of the head, and get jostled first when people get concussions. Anyways, good to see your doing much better with your life.

And since you bring it up, yes Terri, that is kind of sad. Especially when you complained that there was no closeness in your marriage. I'm always afraid that this will occur to me, and I pray to God it doesnt. Its so sad.....I'm very much a romantic, and it breaks my heart to see that happen to people. Dont people understand how much they need each other? I hope your husband becomes much more sensitive to you! And I hope I dont become that kind of husband!

Peace
Homeskooled
 

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Terri,
Please see my PM as well.

Loss of love in a marriage is indeed incredibly painful. Home, I don't see you being that way. After years, it can happen, I think more than many would admit. For some though, love grows more and more.

The most difficult thing for me is my husband DOES love me, but he is not capable of showing love because of his own problems. And I walked into this eyes wide open ... and again, in a sense, he is my father.

It is rought. Love and marriage are wonderful, and hard work.

D
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
Oh god, thank you guys. You are so kind.

Perhaps I was fishing for compliments. Perhaps so. I feel so utterly worthless that maybe I needed someone to tell me that I'm not actually a rancid sack of s**t. I honestly can't think of a time where I felt worse than I do now. And for what reason ? Why? Why? Everything is dark...

Yes, I know I should cut down on the boozing. I must. Hopefully I will hear back from the doctor about Homeskool's advice. I hope to god I do.

Fear...I'm being bent into an awkward shape by the neccessity to live. I don't know what to do. I'm burning up with fear, rage, total hopelessness..and I don't know why.

Just spend three hours creating a VB application only to be told that it wasn't need anymore....I want to kill them. What am I doing here? Why? Then home to my smoke filled sh*t hole, iron my ill-fitting clothes and lay on my head, unable to concentrate on anything other than a future of complete misery.

I'm really sorry guys. You know that fear you get that is so bad you feel sick, well I'm in that place now. I dread the night, making conversation, disappointing everyone.....in short, I'm fu**ked.
 

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wow, martin! that is just terrible :( i'm so sorry to hear that you are going through all that. it seems to me, that many of the people on this board are having a really hard time right now...i'm certainly not doing very well. i really think there is a huge connection between the weather and the fact that so many of us are feeling so sh**. lets all move to hawaii, k?...or maybe southern california... think of it, the first dp/dr commune. how fun :D
 

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You mean you're flowered, Martin. Sheesh. Even our own moderators are circumventing our clever trap to turn this forum into a PG rated Disney cartoon.... :wink: Seriously man, there has to be a way to get the medicine now over there. Go to your ER or something, or get the doc on the phone ASAP by paging him. Really, I hear the desperation in your voice. It doesnt have to be this way. Dont feel hopeless - look at it, its just silly. You feel lonely - but you are surrounded by adoring people, like your girl, your parents. But you feel this way because of a brain abnormality. So? The treatment is stocked at every pharmacy in the UK. One of your neighbors probably takes it. So you're a little depressed from a drinking binge - go out for a walk with your girl, get some exercise, take a b complex if you like. If not, it will still pass. Be patient. You will triumph if you remain persistent. Its a mathematical certainty. It doesnt feel that way, but its true, and its the same battle everyone goes through when they lose hope in their lives. I know how you feel man. Its tough being a grown man with these kinds of problems. You wish mom and dad were there to sort it out. Its probably why you feel more secure at their house. But in the end, they dont have the answers anyways. At least mine didnt. I had to figure it out the hard,hard, hard way. Relax. Nothing is going to happen. Hound the doctor, get to the ER if you have to, and be patient. And for God's sake, dont stay indoors - get some fresh air, be around some positive people who arent drinking.

Peace
Homeskooled
 

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Hey, cyberhugs count for a lot. In my commiserating with Martin, things just started pouring out. ( I felt a need to delete that part of my post, so I did. ) Thanks to all, but I am not in the depths of despair as Martin is today. That is the only hope I can offer Martin today, that there is a tomorrow, and the very real possibility of a Cloudburst.

Sebastian, I don't know if you read a few post down on that thread where I wrote how strongly that piece affected me. It is still an excellent post.

Coop, I watched a show on PBS about animals predicting horrible weather events. I wonder what all of us feeling poorly could mean? End of the world as we know it? :shock:

So, Martin needs a roomie. Any volunteers?
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
Yes, suffering gives you time to learn the lessons of life. Hopefully I'll stick around long enough to pass the exam. Thank you Homeskooled, Seb, and everyone else.

Terri*, let's get married. Again.x

I want to sit on a beach with you all, around a fire, washing our tears away with a bottle of chilled red wine...laughing, feeling connected to people who I've never met but I'm eternally glad I have. Why can't things like that happen? Why do we have to live in this world of pain?
 

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Martin, i'd love nothing more than to lay on a beach sipping wine (certainly not chilled though) and swapping life stories. I hate like hell that you're going through this right now.

I actually just wrote a bunch of crap about drugs you're taking, etc. but i deleted it as about halfway through i realized that i hadn't the slightest clue what i was talking about. Better to leave that to those who know. All i'll say is that for me i generally started feeling considerably better once i had ceased all drug taking and started exercising more.

I wish i could say more to help. You'll get through this, Martinelv.

terri* said:
Sebastian, I don't know if you read a few post down on that thread where I wrote how strongly that piece affected me. It is still an excellent post.
I did read it, and it's one of the many reasons why i love you so. :wink: [/i]
 

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Homeskooled: Would you be able to link a URL for those interested, to your ideas about the onset and persistence of DP? For example, what you just said about that temporal lobe thingy. Can you either link me to it or if you haven't yet explained your theories in their entirety, if you get some time and wouldn't mind writing them out, it would be greatly appreciated. If you haven't the time, i understand, but i'd be quite interested to read up on them without scouring through all of your past posts and gleaning what i can from them.

Thanks.

Also, just to clarify, the obsessions brought me back to this board. I've had this disorder for years, it's just the obsession thing was a new manifestation of the anxiety, etc.
 

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Martinelv said:
You know that fear you get that is so bad you feel sick, well I'm in that place now. I dread the night, making conversation, disappointing everyone.....in short, I'm fu**ked.
:( I do know and I just hope you are out of it soon. It is more tolerable for me now but that is exactly how I felt for months when all of this first started. Martin, I am an extreme wuss in every way, if I can get through it, you most certainly can. Noone should ever have to feel this way. I wish I could say or do something else to help....

and terri I hate that you are going through tough things as well, you are such a good person, and I admire your strength. Hope things look up for you soon.
 
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