[Guest]

Hi all,

Something I have noticed about the way I have always been, at least from early adolescence onward to where I am now, on the cusp of these so called "golden years." (Now this is interesting perhaps a "Fruedian slip," but when I went to write these "golden years" I actually typed these "golden tears.")
Anyway I have never been able to commit myself to anything or anybody, but I have been able to pretend on occasion. This has gotten to the point that I find it difficult to even commit myself to even doing one thing at a time. To do one thing at a time I must become concious of myself here and now in the moment. That is very difficult for me.

For instance writing this post. I will write a line or two then go about some chore or other for a minute or two. Perhaps start making a sandwhich which I end up doing in stages. Take the bread out of the bag go back to the computer. Sweep part of the floor, go back to writing a line or two, then put the mayonaise on the bread, then back to sweeping the floor. Maybe walk outside and check the oil in the car after taking the tomatoe out of the frig. Fold some laundry, then back to the computer, then back to the sandwhich etc. All this "busy work" trying to stay ahead of something. What could it be?

Could it be I am trying to run away from myself? Am I really such a monster? Is my DP a form of psychological "busy work?" Does anyone relate to what I am trying to say?

john

 

[Guest]

Oh, I can definitely relate to all of that.

I don't know if it's about "running away from self" as much as running from reality.

VERY often (and yes, I realize this isn't every one of us, but it sure is MANY of us) we have difficulty in choosing anything because it's not going to be good enough.

There is an intense dichotomy between what we want, and what's possible.

There is an intense dichotomy between feelings of self-loathing and extreme feelings of grandiosity. We fluctuate, at least in the secrecy of our own minds, between feeling like NOTHING and feeling superior to nearly everyone we know.

We often create a "self-image" that is more grandiose than humanly possible - then when we cannot live up to it, we turn against reality, we hate ourselves (for our ordinary-ness) and withdraw from the real world sort of in protest.

We wanted/needed to believe we were so special, and when we felt pulled down to earth by our own ordinary human needs and flaws, we "lost interest" in the world at large.

We still long for it all....for reality and for our own humanity - and secretly for those grandiose feelings we used to nurture about ourselves.

We're lost.

and we're often lost because we can't make peace with reality.

J

 

[Guest]

Janine,

I can definitely relate to everything you wrote but how do you resolve that conflict?

 

[Guest]

well, what an annoying question (evil grin)

I just EXPLAIN the concepts, I can't fix them!

In all seriousness, I don't know how to tell anyone to solve it without long term therapy. I couldn't EVER have dealt with it on my own...but I can promise you that it's not the tangled web you believe it is. Words are possible and change is possible. But it is fundamental change, intrinsic to character and it takes work and time.

Love,
me

 

[Guest]

Thanks Janine=)