[Brainsilence02]

Lately the feeling of "faking it up" has been coexisting (existing at the same time) with all the bad mental stuff :?

How can you believe yourself after that? What is really happening? What should I believe? And time slips out of my hands. And I can't get "drunk" (like my signature suggests). And time has become one more meaning of pain. I am growing up and I am losing the most precious good, the one good that cannot be replaced... time.

There was a time that, at least, I was able to descibe. Now, I cannot. Who cares anyway for more descriptions.

And there is this irresistible tention to.. just quit.

The most painful thing is to have to pretend that everything is all right.

I want to stop forcing myself to think. I want to let myself go and look at the floor, open my mouth, and sag my arms, and.. just quit. I will not have to think anything else from that point after. I will have found eternal silence. What to do with happiness if you find peace?

--- Edit ---

I did one mistake while writing this. I replaced "making it up" with "faking it up". It makes sense now.

I also replaced a "fake" with a "pretend" wich olse makes more sense.

 

[Guest]

Yes, I can understand all that you write. Perfectly, the only thing that exists is this feeling of non-existence and of constantly analysing this nothingness and all its many elements. And yes, I have done what you suggest just lain there slack jawed, not moving, not thinking, not feeling, with my eyes closed, paralysed for hours and weeks and months on end. And yes, I too have just wanted to end it, and tried to, it is just excruciating and indefinably wierd, impossible to understand for those outside of it (everybody!) and profoundly painful, in one of the most desparate and strange ways imaginable. Do you ever get any relief from it? Does it come and go or is it rock solid 24/7? When did it start? Let me know more. Courage my friend, courage, I wish you lots of it, we need it because it is such a bizarre and awful experience, but there has to be a way through it, therapy has helped me and some practical techniques Sarah xx x x x x x x x

 

[Brainsilence02]

I did it. I didn't closed my eyes. I left them open. It was like I was myself, didn't had to pretend that I feel different. I had that relief at least. Does it ever become an addiction?

Right now I am feeling relatively good.

I guess that when I have enough of this, I start to get better. I know (that I start to get better) because other things start to distract me (a flower outside, an expectation that I may go outside the house and be at a part, etc).

Sometimes when I visit the chat-room and say silly things with other people from this board, I feel better. I have noticed that whenever I am in a "crisis", I tend to remember memories that seemed funy back then, and surely make me happy. I guess this a counter-depression meter my mind is taking for my shake, or it is a proof that my sadness is animated by things from my narcisism (not sure if I have narcisism, but it is a possibility).