Shyness

Why was i so goddamn late finding this site, all of the interesting polls were last responded to nearly a year ago! This is for that fellow sole reader out there like me. Ive always been very shy. I distinctly remember in kindergarten refusing to eat lunch with all of the other kids so they put me at a seperate table by myself and the lunch aid i think kept me company from time to time. I remember feeling so damn different from everyone, confused, i dont even know, also VEEEEEEEERY anxious. If i have a presentation in college i dread it from the moment i find out about it to when i present. I suck it up and do it cause i put my middle finger up to my fear and do it anyway. So im up there presenting and shaking, can barely f ucking breathe, while totally aware of my peers reactions and how i must appear to them, my brain as foggy as (insert clever simile here), somehow managing to spit out words that i thankfully mostly memorized prior to the presentation. I tell myself, "who gives a shit about these people, what they think of you, it all doesnt matter anyway" and try to envision the BIG picture, and it just doesnt help. I always feel like i have to get my words out perfectly when having a conversation, even as i write this i want it to come out good and sound intelligent. This usually makes it hard to get anything out of my mouth cause im trying to choose between multiple responses available in my head to find the best one that sounds the most intelligent. When DP is bad i often just keep thinking to myself while someone is talking to me, what am i going to say to this person, how should i continue this conversation, there going to think im stupid and boring. Talking in front of my family, fucking forget that shit.