I am tripping on the person I've become. I remember a girl that was obsessive about her room being clean and organized. I was overly conscious about my appearance, so much that I used to exercise compulsively. I could go places and do things by myself and often people would comment about how they didn't understand how I could do such things alone.
I remember a girl that loved dancing so much that I did it ever night. It was a ritual, and I couldn't sleep without that 2 hours of movement. I remember writing every night before bed.. pages, poems, stories, dreams. I wanted to write novels, to express my deepest feelings with words that would touch the hearts of others. I wanted to change the world with love.
I remember a girl who was passionate about animal rights. I would do anything to spread the message that animals are not ours to eat, enslave, wear, or experiment on. I was a dedicated vegan with so much to say to the world about it. I remember a girl who was a strong runner with balance and coordination like a gymnast. I remember the confidence I had when moving through yoga postures that were advanced and challenging. I remember feeling strong, confident, and balanced.
I remember a girl who loved exploring her sensuality. I remember feeling so lucky that I could orgasm every time we had sex, and thinking that I must be so lucky to experience such passion. I remember the mystical feeling of connection that the world of Spirit induced in me during those prime years of my life between 17 and 25.
But now, I spend my days wondering why I am here. I have trouble getting out of bed before noon. My room and it's cleanliness are of my least concern, and my appearance... well it frightens me most of the time. I don't see myself anymore... just an image of someone I don't really know. I'm afraid to dance because it feels strange, and I can't go more than 3 miles away from home by myself. I don't write very often, because I am tired of complaining, and I would rather hide from the world than change it. I still love animals, but I don't share my views because I'd rather not deal with confrontation. I dream about running and doing yoga but my energy is so low and my balance so off that all I do is dream. And sensuality? What is that again?
I remember a girl.. and I remember the courage it took to be her. Because it takes courage to really come alive. It takes courage to shine. It takes courage to face the heartache in this world and know that people can be cold, heartless, and mean. I'm afraid to pull myself together again, to step out into the world and let this huge light shine. Because people don't like you when you shine. That's the lie that keeps me living with the dead. People don't like you when you shine.
I'm afraid, but I know I can't live on this side of the fence forever. I know that courage is something I must harness and claim as mine. The courage to take that giant leap, and really find my way out of this dark place once and for all. To love the girl I remember and learn from her how to become the woman that I want to be. No longer living in this land of the dead, on this cold side of the fence, but rather blossoming into the fierce, passionate, TRULY ALIVE being that I am. Because I've never been a blue, calm, sea.. I've always been a storm.