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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I am tripping on the person I've become. I remember a girl that was obsessive about her room being clean and organized. I was overly conscious about my appearance, so much that I used to exercise compulsively. I could go places and do things by myself and often people would comment about how they didn't understand how I could do such things alone.

I remember a girl that loved dancing so much that I did it ever night. It was a ritual, and I couldn't sleep without that 2 hours of movement. I remember writing every night before bed.. pages, poems, stories, dreams. I wanted to write novels, to express my deepest feelings with words that would touch the hearts of others. I wanted to change the world with love.

I remember a girl who was passionate about animal rights. I would do anything to spread the message that animals are not ours to eat, enslave, wear, or experiment on. I was a dedicated vegan with so much to say to the world about it. I remember a girl who was a strong runner with balance and coordination like a gymnast. I remember the confidence I had when moving through yoga postures that were advanced and challenging. I remember feeling strong, confident, and balanced.

I remember a girl who loved exploring her sensuality. I remember feeling so lucky that I could orgasm every time we had sex, and thinking that I must be so lucky to experience such passion. I remember the mystical feeling of connection that the world of Spirit induced in me during those prime years of my life between 17 and 25.

But now, I spend my days wondering why I am here. I have trouble getting out of bed before noon. My room and it's cleanliness are of my least concern, and my appearance... well it frightens me most of the time. I don't see myself anymore... just an image of someone I don't really know. I'm afraid to dance because it feels strange, and I can't go more than 3 miles away from home by myself. I don't write very often, because I am tired of complaining, and I would rather hide from the world than change it. I still love animals, but I don't share my views because I'd rather not deal with confrontation. I dream about running and doing yoga but my energy is so low and my balance so off that all I do is dream. And sensuality? What is that again?

I remember a girl.. and I remember the courage it took to be her. Because it takes courage to really come alive. It takes courage to shine. It takes courage to face the heartache in this world and know that people can be cold, heartless, and mean. I'm afraid to pull myself together again, to step out into the world and let this huge light shine. Because people don't like you when you shine. That's the lie that keeps me living with the dead. People don't like you when you shine.

I'm afraid, but I know I can't live on this side of the fence forever. I know that courage is something I must harness and claim as mine. The courage to take that giant leap, and really find my way out of this dark place once and for all. To love the girl I remember and learn from her how to become the woman that I want to be. No longer living in this land of the dead, on this cold side of the fence, but rather blossoming into the fierce, passionate, TRULY ALIVE being that I am. Because I've never been a blue, calm, sea.. I've always been a storm.
 

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I am sorry you feel that way, and I hope that one day you will feel true to who you used to be. I have found myself to be in a situation similar to yours - I am afraid that if I do get better the person I will be will be far from who i was before - and it was who i was before that i want to be when i get better. Soon you will muster up enough strength to let your light shine as you said - it just takes time though.
 

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you words really express a lot of feelings and thoughts i can realate to and i am so sorry you feel like this...

i do hope you become who you want to be and feel safe and happy again...

i wish it for us all...

we all seem to be able to cope...even when we reall do not think we can...

i hope that someday soon you will not wake up having to cope...

take care and PM/email anytime :)
 

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'I am afraid that if I do get better the person I will be will be far from who i was before - and it was who i was before that i want to be when i get better' -Jonathan (I need to learn how to do that quote stuff)

I totally thought this in amongst the dp feeling. It is easy for me to say this I know, You WILL feel like you again - it might not feel like it, but it is not far from reach either - your mind and body want nothing more than to just feel like you again, and it will come naturally if you let it.

Try not to be so concerned about becoming the 'you' that you were just before dp hit. If you think about it, that 'you' was doing something that causes dp. When you are better, you will be the new improved you, the newer model, the one with virus protection and patches, but you will still be you. Look forwards not backwards, because you want to become this person rather than regress to the previous you. This dp is giving you a chance to address potential issues that could make you an even better person! As you get better, you will have seen the total darkness and know that there is no ledge that you are going to fall off, so you will feel stronger for that alone.

Hope this makes sense. I was afraid to just 'be' because I thought I was doing something wrong - and that if I gave up control I would just go into dp - but this just made me focus on it even more and made me feel worse. Try your hardest to focus on positive things and not dp :wink:
 

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feministcat,

Your post touched my heart as it explains exactly how i've also been thinking recently, of how i remember myself to be as a young girl. When I am thinking of these times it feels as though that person could not have been me.., like i have the memories of someone else. It sounds like you have loads of courage and i pray that you will become the woman you always wanted to be.
 

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feministcat... that was BEAUTIFUL. Keep writing!! Write those novels... cuz just with this post here I know you have touched my heart and probably the hearts of everyone who has read this post. I wish I could write like you. I'm very inspired by your post, It's been so long since I've had courage... I hope everything works out for you... I hope we all get our courage back.
 
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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Indeed, you are a very good writer. But....when something is almost too good to be true, one should wonder if it really is.

I know you are being SINCERE...but I also know if you walked into a therapy room with me and told me that introduction to yourself from days gone by when you were well, I'd think "uh,oh...." and realize that NO one could be that wonderful and loving and pure of heart.

The person you describe is HALF of you.

It's the other half, the other human traits you have like all the rest of us, that is giving you trouble.

Sometimes when we have an idyllic view of who we are and who we must be, we can keep that up only so long. When REALITY enters the picture (often as we begin to grow up) we freak out because we are not willing to integrate our own less than glorious traits into the perfect person we feel we must be.

Human.

Work towards accepting ALL of your human traits and I bet those good traits come back. But....they can't come back alone. You're more than that. You're human.

Peace,
Janine
 

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feministcat....iam actually crying from reading your post...ican relate to everything your saying....it is totally like loosing yourself....but we are all who we were before its just going to take a while before we feel like we did before.....we will all have our dreams again of what we want to do in the future....and find our selves again....as shadow said we can all cope...we must beable to cause were all still here somewhere....hope u find yourself soon....you sound like a really nice person :)
 

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Hey thanks for the reply g-funk, i appreciate it, and it makes perfect sense :)
I never really looked at matters that way before, and i can see your point. I have always known i need to accept who i will become after dp, because if i try to fight it i will never get better, however actually believing that i could accept who i would be after dp was something i could never come to terms with, and it has been holdig me back from trying to live.
It is true though - dp has changed a lot of my attitudes - some for the worse, some for the better - those it did change for the better though are viewpoints which might not have changed for a while otherwise.
But knowing that I can recover from dp and feel like myself again is a consolation, even though at times it does all feel hopeless.
But thanks again,
jonathan :)
 

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Sounds like you were TOO perfect, and your mind needed a break.

I used to be able to control everything too. I'm kind of glad that I don't any more....we're not made to be that perfect.

We're not made to orgasm every time (or even once...wait...tell me how you did that part??? :D tell me how that works -sexually unbalanced in Tulsa) bad stuff happens too. We're not made to look perfect...even Mary Kate Olsen has been snapshotted with chipped nail polish, and she is a BILLIONAIRE. She could have afforded a new set of HANDS by now to be in public with.

things were too perfect back then. Now is the process of having to accept that NO ONE really lives the way that you did. You can still have a great life but you're also going to have nights of no orgasms and days where you can't dance for 2 hours and you look like shit. Other times it won't be like that though.

It's so much easier to be perfect, isn't it? :)
 

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Also feminist cat your story sounds very very similar to the way i was for the year and a half prior to DP. Running on a high too high. Didn't even need cocaine I was so happy...you know the drill..focusing only on the good...i wonder how we get that high (would YOU know Janine?)

Tell me your story or post it here if you are comfortable with it feministcat b/c I'm sure I could give you some advice. We sound a lot alike.

Except for the orgasm thing. I didn't have the orgasm thing like you did.

WHY DID I NEVER GET THE SEVEN YEARS OF NONSTOP ORGASMS WHY GOD WHY!

Ok got to remember reality :x

But yeah seriously when I get over my feelings of sexual inadequacy I'm sure I can help you. Post it or PM me.
 

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Person3, that's easy, because you didn't spend those years with myself. :wink:

If only I was a tantric master like Sting. :twisted:
 

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I think there is some MAJOR Freudian size-envy in that massive sports-car of avatars you have there JasonFar! :twisted:
 
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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
wow! i didn't expect such a big response to this post.

starting from the first post-
shazada - thank you so much! i felt very understood by your post! I relate to what you said completely.

shadowness, gfunk, tori, dreamcatcher, and peacedove - i always relate so much to what you post here. thank you so much for your encouragement and wisdom. you all have inspired me at different times. (big hugs)

janine and person3 - interesting view on my life. i did have some issues back then, and i admit to having problems along with my feeling alive.. but I definitely wasn't "too perfect". I guess without really knowing me and the whole story on each of those little parts of me I shared it would be hard to really judge my experience for what it was. (The orgasm thing.. well to be honest I am very sexually open and my partner at the time new just how I "worked" so it made it easy..sorry i can't share any particular "tricks"). The other aspects of myself were very important parts of who I am.. dancing, running, animal rights.. things that made me feel alive. I want those things back in my life, maybe not to the extent that i once lived. I did have lots of problems as it seems we always have something in life to deal with, but it wasn't about being perfect or being too loving, wonderful, and pure of heart.

Well, maybe a little bit.. :?
But mostly it's about wanting to feel alive again.. the way i did years ago when i was SOOOO passionate about life.

now i just feel so numb.
 

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But I think there was a part of you...
the obsessive exerciser that looked great all the time...things like that...are you SURE they were all about loving life, or was it something more? A compulsion maybe?

I'm not saying it was, but you need to examine your life.

I'm sorry I got to this late...if you ever feel like posting your story (only if YOU are ready/comfortable to do it), I would love to see it.

I have to go now, I'll come back with a better response later...
 
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