Hello all,
I have been in the throes of derealization for a few months now, but it is my existential ruminating that is killing me. I feel as though a veil has been lifted, and I can suddenly see life and the universe as they 'really are': meaningless.
Another thought that I have become obsessed with is the fact that there is no 'purpose' in being happy at all. When I die, there will be no-one saying 'you have spent approximately 70% of your life in happiness, well done' or whatever. I am really struggling with the lack of an externally imposed purpose (I wish so much I could believe in god, but I simply cannot). Of course, the obvious reply is that one should want to be happy for one's own sake, and I do wish to be happy again, but I am unable to shake the feeling of meaninglessness. Even typing this I am battling constant thoughts of 'Why bother doing this? Even if you feel relief for a minute, what would be the point in that?'.
Similarly, I am obsessing over why one should refrain from committing suicide. I previously believed that it would be wrong for me to kill myself as long as there are people that love me dearly and would be hurt by that act, but now I find myself wondering why that would matter at all, given that they are also simply specks of dust in the grand scheme of things, and humanity will eventually die out. I used to want to dedicate my life to making the world a better place, but ever since considering that everyone that I would help would ultimately come to pass as well, I have given up on that dream. I know people will counter this by saying 'just because something is finite, does not mean it is meaningless' but I fail to see how that is true. There is no such thing as a lasting contribution.
I wish I could shut off my brain, or somehow go back to being ignorant. I see people going about their daily business, often happily, and I feel so envious.
Does anyone relate at all?
I have been in the throes of derealization for a few months now, but it is my existential ruminating that is killing me. I feel as though a veil has been lifted, and I can suddenly see life and the universe as they 'really are': meaningless.
Another thought that I have become obsessed with is the fact that there is no 'purpose' in being happy at all. When I die, there will be no-one saying 'you have spent approximately 70% of your life in happiness, well done' or whatever. I am really struggling with the lack of an externally imposed purpose (I wish so much I could believe in god, but I simply cannot). Of course, the obvious reply is that one should want to be happy for one's own sake, and I do wish to be happy again, but I am unable to shake the feeling of meaninglessness. Even typing this I am battling constant thoughts of 'Why bother doing this? Even if you feel relief for a minute, what would be the point in that?'.
Similarly, I am obsessing over why one should refrain from committing suicide. I previously believed that it would be wrong for me to kill myself as long as there are people that love me dearly and would be hurt by that act, but now I find myself wondering why that would matter at all, given that they are also simply specks of dust in the grand scheme of things, and humanity will eventually die out. I used to want to dedicate my life to making the world a better place, but ever since considering that everyone that I would help would ultimately come to pass as well, I have given up on that dream. I know people will counter this by saying 'just because something is finite, does not mean it is meaningless' but I fail to see how that is true. There is no such thing as a lasting contribution.
I wish I could shut off my brain, or somehow go back to being ignorant. I see people going about their daily business, often happily, and I feel so envious.
Does anyone relate at all?
