Depersonalization Support Forum banner

Severe DR since getting off the plane.

776 Views 3 Replies 2 Participants Last post by  JW1998
Hi all,

I am making this post out of absolute fear. I am fearful of what my future could become. My story goes as follows: December of last year I travelled from London to Washington DC for Christmas break. I stayed with my parents for two weeks, I felt fantastic. I then travelled on the 30th of December and arrived at 8:05am on the the 31st of December. Upon arriving I felt very tired, as anyone would. A couple of days went by and I began to feel incredibly distant from my surroundings. I started to experience cognitive deficits, brain fog, bizarre brain pressure (similar to someone pulling my brain in opposite directions), erratic mood swings, and the worst - suicidal ideation. As a result, I decided to take a trip to Edinburgh as I have pleasant memories there, when I arrived I couldn't recognise it. Similar to the experience I was having in London, consciously I knew where I was, but the internal mechanisms in my brain thought I was in the last location I travelled from. I realise this sounds absurd, but the feedback loops and inputs within my hypothalamus and Suprachiasmatic nucleus are located in Washington DC. Meaning, my brain never realised that I had boarded that plane, my brain was under the impression (and still is) that I am in America. Not only is my intuition telling me this, but I have also had glaringly obvious signs. I have had chronic jet lag, severe appetite suppression, temperature fluctuations, hormonal instabilities, and a general malaise and fatigue.

I believe my SCN carried the inputs of America to the U.K. with me. Now, I'm going to elaborate a bit in relation to my current theory. I believe that my body was being starved of natural light during the most pivotal time of the year - the transition from one year to another (2018 into 2019). This happened because I had a night flight. In addition, I arrived, as I said, at 8:05am on the 31st. Meaning, I had less than 16 hours to synchronise with my external environment until the new year started. I require a minimum of 24 hours, moreover I never got any sunlight upon arriving in London as it was grey for the entirety of the day. This had dire implications for the mechanisms involved in maintaining equilibrium in my body. My hypothalamus was the first to be affected, the retina-ganglion pathway to the brain was receiving minimal light, therefore, my brain used the last inputs it had (which were programmed to America) to continue in the U.K.. Which, in turn, has had drastic effects on my central nervous and endocrine systems, pituitary, adrenal, thyroid, and pineal glands.

I know distinctly how I feel in one location to the next. London is my home, I adore living here. I had many unpleasant memories in America, therefore it is not very high on my list of locations to travel to. It seems at though my hippocampus, through my intentional doing, is trying to reset my system by remembering how I should feel in London. When I try to forcefully feel a certain way, my brain begins to strain itself and I feel a tight pulling motion as a result.

My states of mind have also flipped because of this phenomenon. In London I feel as I should in America, and in America I feel as I should do in London. My perception of reality shifts. I know this because I have travelled to the states twice since being back, on the first occasion it actually worked! I felt as though this nightmare had never occurred, my brain was in alignment with the inputs in my brain. I then went a second time because the symptoms returned, they only returned because I went to Paris to see a friend for a few days. This is tied to time zones shifts I am convinced. Anyhow, I went back a second time and it didn't feel the same, I felt as though I had done irrevocable damage going to France. I would also like to mention that I have spent copious amounts of money travelling, my intuition has been telling me to go to certain locations, it has been my navigator during this rigmarole. As a result, I can hardly afford to live, I am a student at university and somehow still doing well despite the execrable state I am in.

I will also mention that I am a sufferer or SAD and that I have had severe withdrawals in the past from Xanax (I stopped taking Xanax 29 months ago). Unsure as to whether or not GABA could have something to do with this process seeing that it's such an important neurotransmitter.

Bottom line is my life has changed considerably. I dream of ending my life everyday, I am incredibly smart and my intellect has crumbled since this took ahold of my life. I am now nihilistic, suicidal, and want the pain to end. Nothing can assuage the painful pressure in my head and suicidal ideations that I have. It follows me everywhere I go. I want some respite. Will this reset itself if I go to America for Christmas and this time stay through to the new year? I would also like to add that this has happened once before, in 2017. I suffered from January to August with the same symptoms. Guess what? I flew from England to America (back then I was living in DC) on the SAME exact day and the only time it dissipated was when I returned to England. I somehow managed to get into a very good university despite my appalling state of mind. Anyhow, all evidence points in the direction of light patterns and the master clock "SCN".

Essentially, throughout my travels, I have tried my hardest to isolate one state of mind from another. One set of hormonal inputs from another, in relation to their position on Earth (time zones). Hence the reason why I have travelled incessantly lately. My mind thinks it's December 2018 and keeps repeating that month in my mind, churning out hormones incorrectly. So, I am stuck in America, in December of 2018 and that is why I am feeling so wretched every second of everyday. Will I be able to survive to the end of the year to see if my theory is correct, who knows?

Anyhow, please tell me someone has been through something similar. I need to not feel as though I am alone. My life is so calamitous I don't know where to start. My parents know most of my symptoms as do doctors, but they don't understand my theory when I tell them. People think I'm going insane, I'm really not. I am very rational and ambitious, I just want this madness to end. Imagine seeing another location through your eyes because of the wrong inputs in your brain. It is terribly frightening.

I'll conclude my rant here. Thanks.
See less See more
1 - 1 of 4 Posts
Welcome to the forums! I'm sorry you didn't get your post answered in over a week.

I can't speak on the specifics of neurotransmitters and the chemicals in thereof, but I can at least give my experience and ask a few questions about yours. I haven't traveled across the world but I've taken a few flights to different states before. The furthest that I've traveled was Texas. Arriving there was fine; I actually spent a great deal feeling happy about myself for once. Leaving was different, though. Returning to my murky hometown was a surreal experience and it took me a moment to reconnect with everything around me. My brain was stuck in Texas, I guess.

I'm also a sufferer of seasonal-affective disorder and I think that my brain's unwillingness to leave Texas when I returned had something to do with the months that I traveled. I left in at the beginning of August, which is usually when the feelings from SAD start to affect me. Arriving in Texas, it was quite hot and sunny. Maybe my brain was processing the season a bit differently. It felt like it was spring there. Upon returning, I think there was that initial shock of it actually being winter where I lived. That actually caused whatever mechanisms in my brain to mix up seasonal-affective disorder to the point where I actually suffered for longer that year.

Perhaps that's the center point of your issue? Maybe the combination of your circadian rhythm getting mucked up - alongside the seasonal-affective disorder - has your brain trying to calibrate itself constantly without success? When you mention that you felt this way before in 2017, did you do anything specific to alleviate the symptoms or did they just dissipate on their own? Sorry I can't be of more use! Although, you seem to have a pretty firm grasp on your own psychology better than most, so here's to hoping that you've gotten a bit better since you posted this.
See less See more
1 - 1 of 4 Posts
This is an older thread, you may not receive a response, and could be reviving an old thread. Please consider creating a new thread.