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Hi everyone. This is my first post in a few years, but I thought I would come on to write about the current relapse I am in with my severe derealization. I wish I had written a post about the wonderful year long remission I had entered previously, but when you're free from this terrible nightmare you usually don't find yourself thinking about coming online to these spaces. For that I do want to state that recovery/remission is possible. I didn't think I would ever feel a single fleeting moment of relief four years ago, but it happened. Unfortunately, I am back in the midst of an episode of severe derealization, albeit not quite as severe as my initial experiences. As years have passed, and after experiencing a horrendous withdrawal from Klonopin, my DPDR has morphed and grown into incredibly complex and bizarre symptoms that defy what I would have thought were humanly possible. Somedays I wish that my world simply felt unreal, and not like the bizarre alien landscape that I weightlessly roam now. I am not sure what exactly caused this current relapse of mine...as far as I know I the only mentionable issues were some sleep disturbances/heightened anxiety a few weeks prior. Maybe it was the changing seasons. Who knows the reason. Maybe sometimes there isn't one. But I do know that relentlessly since last April, give or take a few weeks in the summer, my derealization specifically has come back with a vengeance. It's odd, as each time feels different but equally as terrifying. I will break this up into a few paragraphs to be more easily readable. Here is what I am going through now...

Starting last April, the reality I live in has shifted (and not stopped shifting) into a hazy, far away fever-dream that is blanketed in an aura of unfamiliarity and eeriness. Describing this sensation is very hard for me, as it is constantly changing and morphing but consistent in its nauseating confusion. For example, today I went to the local fair with a couple of my friends. It had been raining all day, and when we got there the sun was just starting to peek through the clouds. I was already feeling off...my house had felt alien and foreign the entire morning and I had a general sense of physical detachment/numbness from my body. When I stepped outside and into the fairgrounds that evening the sight of the stark orange sunlight beaming through the hazy tree tops transported me into a parallel dimension, one which had its own mechanical atmosphere and an overwhelming sense of unfamiliarity. To completely describe this is impossible as it is a completely foreign experience. I know that in a pure sense this is just detachment from my surroundings, but the atmospheric/visual/perceptual disturbances are incredibly complex and intense. It literally feels like I am walking on the face of the moon sometimes. Finding comfort in this headspace is almost impossible. I find myself turning lights on and off, flipping through different TV channels, and moving to different rooms in my house just to get a sense of feeling "right." These efforts are usually never successful. Another strange sensation I experience when I get like this is not being able to look at photos or videos of places online or on TV, as I feel as though I can sense their own strange, uncomfortable atmospheres and it becomes incredibly distressing. To feel this way is to feel completely alone, as although my friends are supportive, they could never begin to understand what I am describing. In a way I am thankful they don't. No one deserves this. I wouldn't wish this on anybody.

Finding myself back in this place has been incredibly distressing, as I thought it was just a part of my not so distant but still distant enough past. When I get into this headspace, it is hard to remember what my world feels like when I am not suffering like this. I have hope that this too will pass again, but my ability to stare through the darkness is lessening the more I struggle. Nonetheless, I am determined to fight. I will not accept this current reality as my own, and I will not give up and let this illness win. To exist most days feels rebellious. To keep going while suffering in a silence that nobody around you could understand is the most badass thing anybody could ever do. I have taken the time and effort to seek out a highly experienced specialist who has been treating dissociative disorders for over 30 years, and am determined to get better, even if the light at the end of this wretched tunnel isn't visible yet. I will try to post more on here about some of the possible progress along the way of this once again journey, so that hopefully I can inspire someone else to have hope. Any feedback from those who can relate to my symptoms or from anybody in general is greatly appreciated. Thank you all so much!
 

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Hi Brendon. I want to start off by saying that I completely understand and empathize with everything you're saying. Especially when you say your symptoms have exceeded what you have thought were humanly possible.

I remember when I came out of a severe DP episode in 2017 and began to heal. I got a cute girlfriend, a good job, and just as I thought everything was going great, my derealization returned in like a hurricane. But this time it came with severe side-symptoms that werent present before.

I stopped being able to watch TV, look at photos, listen to music, etc.

It often felt as though I was in another reality. Accompanied by massive brain fog, fatigue, anxiety, strange unexplainable thoughts and irrational fears. Which would naturally lead to less sleep, less sleep would lead to less ability to function, and it became a vicious cycle.

You're not alone. These symptoms are all common symptoms of some form of heavy metal toxicity.

Have you ever been tested for heavy metals in your hair, urine or stool?

It's also wise to check your gut health. 85% of the serotonin in your body is created in your gut, so gut health is crucial. Let me know how you're holding up, I'd love to have a chat.

P.S) I'm starting a youtube channel called healyourbrainInc. The goal is to create a family and a tribe for people like us, and ultimately find healing once and for all.
 

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Hi Brendon. I want to start off by saying that I completely understand and empathize with everything you're saying. Especially when you say your symptoms have exceeded what you have thought were humanly possible.

I remember when I came out of a severe DP episode in 2017 and began to heal. I got a cute girlfriend, a good job, and just as I thought everything was going great, my derealization returned in like a hurricane. But this time it came with severe side-symptoms that werent present before.

I stopped being able to watch TV, look at photos, listen to music, etc.

It often felt as though I was in another reality. Accompanied by massive brain fog, fatigue, anxiety, strange unexplainable thoughts and irrational fears. Which would naturally lead to less sleep, less sleep would lead to less ability to function, and it became a vicious cycle.

You're not alone. These symptoms are all common symptoms of some form of heavy metal toxicity.

Have you ever been tested for heavy metals in your hair, urine or stool?

It's also wise to check your gut health. 85% of the serotonin in your body is created in your gut, so gut health is crucial. Let me know how you're holding up, I'd love to have a chat.

P.S) I'm starting a youtube channel called healyourbrainInc. The goal is to create a family and a tribe for people like us, and ultimately find healing once and for all.
While I agree witht taking care for your body does help,it's not a cure for many. I have done everything diet wise, and exercised alot I definitely felt better overall but I stayed Depersonalized 24/7 as my traumas were still inside of my body and soul. The patterns and believes did not change, the traumas were not resolved, it can be symptoms of heavy metal toxicity but most of the time they are not I wish it was that easy. Soon I am going to try something very out of my comfort zone to try and tackle these demons inside of me, and that will be MDMA assisted psychotherapy, which is has very promising results for PTSD and many more ailments. I have spoken to loads of people who had dp/dr and they got over it because of MDMA it can be a miracle for some in the right set and setting of course.
 

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While I agree witht taking care for your body does help,it's not a cure for many. I have done everything diet wise, and exercised alot I definitely felt better overall but I stayed Depersonalized 24/7 as my traumas were still inside of my body and soul. The patterns and believes did not change, the traumas were not resolved, it can be symptoms of heavy metal toxicity but most of the time they are not I wish it was that easy. Soon I am going to try something very out of my comfort zone to try and tackle these demons inside of me, and that will be MDMA assisted psychotherapy, which is has very promising results for PTSD and many more ailments. I have spoken to loads of people who had dp/dr and they got over it because of MDMA it can be a miracle for some in the right set and setting of course.

Hi Aridity.

I’m glad you’ve explored the world of physical health and diet changes :)

The truth is, diet and excercise alone is never going to heal your depersonalization. I agree with you on that.

I always hated when people told me that. I was a weightlifter for many years and only ate “clean”. I was even vegan and then raw vegan for 2 years. None of it made any difference with my DPDR.

It requires an aggressive (meaning emotional, physical and spiritual)

Removing heavy metals, parasites and viruses from the body is by no means “Easy”. Its an extremely delicate and hard task and requires a methodical, aggressive approach.

You’ll feel worse than you’ve ever felt before. You’ll have panic attacks, headaches, insomnia, aches and pains…

And then suddenly, within a few weeks you’ll start improving.

and as more time goes on, you’ll begin to feel emotions you forgot you had.

You’ll feel the air on your skin, you’ll smell the trees.

Your vision will sharpen. Your ability to concentrate will re-center. You stop doubting yourself, your confidence suddenly skyrockets. You’ll begin to step back into life as it was before your illness, even if it’s been so long you cant even remember how that feels.

So it’s certainly not easy, nothing worthwhile in life is.

That’s what makes it so rewarding when you finally begin feeling results. When you feel more connected, when you’re not constantly having existential dread, panic, intrusive thoughts and everything else associated with dpdr.

Most people are not even aware they have heavy metal toxicity, parasites or viruses because they don’t know how to test for it.

There’s a channel dedicated to this called deep healing space.

Lewis Rowlands deals with DPDR cases daily, and tests them through their hair.

In every case, there’s either copper toxicity or copper deficiency.

In DPDR, this is almost always the case. DPDR is specifically linked to toxic levels of copper, mercury and aluminum in the body.

The only true way to test for this is a hair mineral analysis or a provoked urine test.

Get a hair mineral analysis done and you’ll be shocked at what you see.

Cheers!

P.S) Just a few years ago, I had an ex girlfriend who was the party type. She loved psychadelics, molly, pills and anything else she could get her hands on. One night while partying, she did a little too much MDMA and became depersonalized, and stayed that way for about a month. She was terrified and nearly lost her mind.

Remember, MDMA is a synthetic drug. Just like alcohol and sugar can make you enjoy life a little in the short run, there are usually much greater risks in the long term.

Cheers and be safe with anything you try.

Gio
 
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