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Hi everyone. This is my first post in a few years, but I thought I would come on to write about the current relapse I am in with my severe derealization. I wish I had written a post about the wonderful year long remission I had entered previously, but when you're free from this terrible nightmare you usually don't find yourself thinking about coming online to these spaces. For that I do want to state that recovery/remission is possible. I didn't think I would ever feel a single fleeting moment of relief four years ago, but it happened. Unfortunately, I am back in the midst of an episode of severe derealization, albeit not quite as severe as my initial experiences. As years have passed, and after experiencing a horrendous withdrawal from Klonopin, my DPDR has morphed and grown into incredibly complex and bizarre symptoms that defy what I would have thought were humanly possible. Somedays I wish that my world simply felt unreal, and not like the bizarre alien landscape that I weightlessly roam now. I am not sure what exactly caused this current relapse of mine...as far as I know I the only mentionable issues were some sleep disturbances/heightened anxiety a few weeks prior. Maybe it was the changing seasons. Who knows the reason. Maybe sometimes there isn't one. But I do know that relentlessly since last April, give or take a few weeks in the summer, my derealization specifically has come back with a vengeance. It's odd, as each time feels different but equally as terrifying. I will break this up into a few paragraphs to be more easily readable. Here is what I am going through now...
Starting last April, the reality I live in has shifted (and not stopped shifting) into a hazy, far away fever-dream that is blanketed in an aura of unfamiliarity and eeriness. Describing this sensation is very hard for me, as it is constantly changing and morphing but consistent in its nauseating confusion. For example, today I went to the local fair with a couple of my friends. It had been raining all day, and when we got there the sun was just starting to peek through the clouds. I was already feeling off...my house had felt alien and foreign the entire morning and I had a general sense of physical detachment/numbness from my body. When I stepped outside and into the fairgrounds that evening the sight of the stark orange sunlight beaming through the hazy tree tops transported me into a parallel dimension, one which had its own mechanical atmosphere and an overwhelming sense of unfamiliarity. To completely describe this is impossible as it is a completely foreign experience. I know that in a pure sense this is just detachment from my surroundings, but the atmospheric/visual/perceptual disturbances are incredibly complex and intense. It literally feels like I am walking on the face of the moon sometimes. Finding comfort in this headspace is almost impossible. I find myself turning lights on and off, flipping through different TV channels, and moving to different rooms in my house just to get a sense of feeling "right." These efforts are usually never successful. Another strange sensation I experience when I get like this is not being able to look at photos or videos of places online or on TV, as I feel as though I can sense their own strange, uncomfortable atmospheres and it becomes incredibly distressing. To feel this way is to feel completely alone, as although my friends are supportive, they could never begin to understand what I am describing. In a way I am thankful they don't. No one deserves this. I wouldn't wish this on anybody.
Finding myself back in this place has been incredibly distressing, as I thought it was just a part of my not so distant but still distant enough past. When I get into this headspace, it is hard to remember what my world feels like when I am not suffering like this. I have hope that this too will pass again, but my ability to stare through the darkness is lessening the more I struggle. Nonetheless, I am determined to fight. I will not accept this current reality as my own, and I will not give up and let this illness win. To exist most days feels rebellious. To keep going while suffering in a silence that nobody around you could understand is the most badass thing anybody could ever do. I have taken the time and effort to seek out a highly experienced specialist who has been treating dissociative disorders for over 30 years, and am determined to get better, even if the light at the end of this wretched tunnel isn't visible yet. I will try to post more on here about some of the possible progress along the way of this once again journey, so that hopefully I can inspire someone else to have hope. Any feedback from those who can relate to my symptoms or from anybody in general is greatly appreciated. Thank you all so much!
Starting last April, the reality I live in has shifted (and not stopped shifting) into a hazy, far away fever-dream that is blanketed in an aura of unfamiliarity and eeriness. Describing this sensation is very hard for me, as it is constantly changing and morphing but consistent in its nauseating confusion. For example, today I went to the local fair with a couple of my friends. It had been raining all day, and when we got there the sun was just starting to peek through the clouds. I was already feeling off...my house had felt alien and foreign the entire morning and I had a general sense of physical detachment/numbness from my body. When I stepped outside and into the fairgrounds that evening the sight of the stark orange sunlight beaming through the hazy tree tops transported me into a parallel dimension, one which had its own mechanical atmosphere and an overwhelming sense of unfamiliarity. To completely describe this is impossible as it is a completely foreign experience. I know that in a pure sense this is just detachment from my surroundings, but the atmospheric/visual/perceptual disturbances are incredibly complex and intense. It literally feels like I am walking on the face of the moon sometimes. Finding comfort in this headspace is almost impossible. I find myself turning lights on and off, flipping through different TV channels, and moving to different rooms in my house just to get a sense of feeling "right." These efforts are usually never successful. Another strange sensation I experience when I get like this is not being able to look at photos or videos of places online or on TV, as I feel as though I can sense their own strange, uncomfortable atmospheres and it becomes incredibly distressing. To feel this way is to feel completely alone, as although my friends are supportive, they could never begin to understand what I am describing. In a way I am thankful they don't. No one deserves this. I wouldn't wish this on anybody.
Finding myself back in this place has been incredibly distressing, as I thought it was just a part of my not so distant but still distant enough past. When I get into this headspace, it is hard to remember what my world feels like when I am not suffering like this. I have hope that this too will pass again, but my ability to stare through the darkness is lessening the more I struggle. Nonetheless, I am determined to fight. I will not accept this current reality as my own, and I will not give up and let this illness win. To exist most days feels rebellious. To keep going while suffering in a silence that nobody around you could understand is the most badass thing anybody could ever do. I have taken the time and effort to seek out a highly experienced specialist who has been treating dissociative disorders for over 30 years, and am determined to get better, even if the light at the end of this wretched tunnel isn't visible yet. I will try to post more on here about some of the possible progress along the way of this once again journey, so that hopefully I can inspire someone else to have hope. Any feedback from those who can relate to my symptoms or from anybody in general is greatly appreciated. Thank you all so much!