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441 Posts
In brief: self-monitoring, should I dispose it?
I remember I started to put self into a can in order to control it's reactions. People called me a fool, and unadaptable (they were right in both).
At some point, it came naturally. Since most people were saying stuff like that, or treated me like I was fool and unadaptable, I had to do something, it spoiled the atmosphere. I should have thought that "since thet behave to me like that, they must be right". I assume that I didn't because I was egoist.
I couldn't really understand why they reacted like that, or didn't want to understand (hmmm... it must have been both: couldn't, and didn't want to).
The solution that came instictly was... self-monitoring. It now seems to me that I didn't started the self-monitoring in order to find why people behaved like that to me (which was the right thing for me to do), but I started it in order to avoid saying and doing things that made other people behave like that. Which means, I wanted to masquerade my foolishness and unadaptability. I wanted to hide it.
The reason I wanted to hide it and not to change it, isn't clear to me, even till today (well I am not sure about the initiation of the self-monitoring incident itself, but it seems to me more clear than the reason I choosed to hide it rather than change it). It must have been because I thought that changing wasn't possible or was including other dangers (such as loosing personality). Of cource, it could be something really simple, like I was too egoist. Maybe a combination of all these stuff.
Years have passed, and I become a, somewhat, better person. Among other features, I now do not misunderstand people so easily. I still have flaws (still many of them), and yes, I still have the self-monitoring feature. I don't know if I should dispose it. That's what my basic question is:
- Is the self-monitoring a deffence against my foolishness and unadaptability that led me to a better self? Or is it just a feeling, a side-effect, and had nothing to do with my improovement. I am just getting tired of this and want to decide if it's OK to dispose it.
Appart from this:
- Tell me if you have something alike, and if you don't mind, tell me in what way was it different, what did you do about it, etc.
- How is it? Making such a revolutionary change that lasts for 10 years? (about 1/2 of my current life-length) When I think of the change, a little voice tells me that "You are making this all up, none of these stuff really happened".
You can comment (you are more than welcome) anything in this post, but I gave some main guidelines to make it easy.
My frequent visits to this board has made me want to post things, and posting something, brings something else to the suface, and so on. Like a chain reaction. erm... a good chain reaction... I hope at least.
I remember I started to put self into a can in order to control it's reactions. People called me a fool, and unadaptable (they were right in both).
At some point, it came naturally. Since most people were saying stuff like that, or treated me like I was fool and unadaptable, I had to do something, it spoiled the atmosphere. I should have thought that "since thet behave to me like that, they must be right". I assume that I didn't because I was egoist.
I couldn't really understand why they reacted like that, or didn't want to understand (hmmm... it must have been both: couldn't, and didn't want to).
The solution that came instictly was... self-monitoring. It now seems to me that I didn't started the self-monitoring in order to find why people behaved like that to me (which was the right thing for me to do), but I started it in order to avoid saying and doing things that made other people behave like that. Which means, I wanted to masquerade my foolishness and unadaptability. I wanted to hide it.
The reason I wanted to hide it and not to change it, isn't clear to me, even till today (well I am not sure about the initiation of the self-monitoring incident itself, but it seems to me more clear than the reason I choosed to hide it rather than change it). It must have been because I thought that changing wasn't possible or was including other dangers (such as loosing personality). Of cource, it could be something really simple, like I was too egoist. Maybe a combination of all these stuff.
Years have passed, and I become a, somewhat, better person. Among other features, I now do not misunderstand people so easily. I still have flaws (still many of them), and yes, I still have the self-monitoring feature. I don't know if I should dispose it. That's what my basic question is:
- Is the self-monitoring a deffence against my foolishness and unadaptability that led me to a better self? Or is it just a feeling, a side-effect, and had nothing to do with my improovement. I am just getting tired of this and want to decide if it's OK to dispose it.
Appart from this:
- Tell me if you have something alike, and if you don't mind, tell me in what way was it different, what did you do about it, etc.
- How is it? Making such a revolutionary change that lasts for 10 years? (about 1/2 of my current life-length) When I think of the change, a little voice tells me that "You are making this all up, none of these stuff really happened".
You can comment (you are more than welcome) anything in this post, but I gave some main guidelines to make it easy.
My frequent visits to this board has made me want to post things, and posting something, brings something else to the suface, and so on. Like a chain reaction. erm... a good chain reaction... I hope at least.
