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I have always been aware of the chain of events that triggered my DP, but never have I understood their exact cause and effect and the underlying process. My DP is chronic and seems to respond only to psychiatric drugs and non-conventional, DIY means of altering brain function. Perhaps a deeper understanding of the initial onset would shed some light on its nature.

At the age of 10, I began suffering from typical, moderate depression. At the age of 13, still suffering from depression, I was involved in a social situation in which I experienced tension resulting from the need to communicate with others. I then began showcasing a confident, uplifted-mood, outgoing persona to prevent these emotions, for others to interpret as an innocent play. I wished that this figure substitute mine for a single day; however, as I made my way home, I could not remove it. This was the first instance in which I experienced anxiety, believing it would soon pass.

The memory of the following month is vague. I lived as that same persona, with an alarmingly low self awareness. There was one or two moments of remission during this time, when I again experienced anxiety due to the understanding that a substitute, unpleasant figure took hold of me and that I have no control over it.

As others were making remarks regarding the unwelcome change in my behavior, I regained self awareness.and simultaneously woke to the state of utter DP; though, at the same time, I experienced constant, intense urges to recreate the previous behavior, which I was battling. It was beckoning me; while I feared it, I desired succumbing to it. The vanishing of these urges was experienced literally as a curtain falling down during a day when I denied my body of food. I remained DP'd to this day.

Is it possible to experience self-induced hypomania/mania? Does low self awareness accompany it, with glimpses of normal awareness? Could it be experienced as urges that one should battle? I only know that my mind lost its sane balance then. I do not know whether I dissociated in reponse to the mania-like state or alongside it and why.
 

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Stay out of cities. Avoid people who are not understanding and compassionate to your situation. Be careful but don't allow your mind to conjure paranoid thoughts. Get on the proper medication. Also mind things involving the nervous system as would Oliver Sacks: as just an observer: whether it is a physiological reaction to social stimuli or a reaction to certain drugs and/or their withdrawals. You are your own enemy. So stop that now. Find your voice. And set a clear goal for you to achieve. Also get on some meds to take off the edge, give you peace of mind, and give you the ability to slow down; You must slow the mind!
 
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