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I ve been recovering from Dp and what I have niticed is that somehkw Im starting to remmeber old things in my life. Like subtle things such as my first encounter with a friend, or a perchance encounter with a situation tjat led to another. Im also remembering ppls names from years ago and even presently, Im able to retain ppls names better than ever, even before I had DP.

Could anxiety have shaped my personaliy and experiences this much through my entire life?

This leads to another question: Is anxiety this sneaky, that it hides for years, presenting itself only as a small nuance only to manifest other problems later on in life?

I ask these questions because ever since I got DP, I worked on reducing my anxiety and any triggers.

As the.anxiety lowered, so did certain impulsivities I had as well as some thought patterns.

This in turn allowed me to think of other things.and in the middle of the night I find.myself recollecting old fond memories, and the feelings they evoke are real and.welcoming.

Weird...
 

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I'm talking about this kind of thing with my therapist at the moment. I think our sense of self is 'disorganised' and perhaps even certain memories may have been repressed. Not necessarily for you or all DPD sufferers, but it has been the case for me.

Anxiety is fight or flight and it is reductionist to say this as it is very complex, but adrenaline/cortisol start to shut down 'higher thinking' and levels of experience. So you don't need a 3D world you just need to track motion in a ff situation - derealization. You don't need access to memories you need to be hypervigalent of your environment. You don't need a sense of self and you may want a reduced sense of pain and emotion - numbness. Language may be hard to decipher (I find that particularly hard). These 'higher levels' of experience cost a lot of energy in a dangerous environment.

As your anxiety reduces, your sense of self and 'organization' return more so not only do you feel more positive emotions, this gives you more access to positive memory. It is like the dots connecting in your brain which have been unconnected through stress/dpd. All in all I would say it is a good sign
 

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Are you experiencing the same thing?
I too believe memories seems to be somehow connected, if not, affected by Dp.

Ive read about Dp individuals having elebated stree hormones. It makes sense as somehow our hormones and adrenaline are out of whack.

Ive alwyas held onto that notion.

The moment we.calm ourselves and our body, we start regaining balance.

Just really wish the brain had a better way of dealing with trauma..

I almost forgot. I also am considering a therapist. Do I just look one up based on my insuramce or are there specific therapist I should try?
 

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for me its not the actual memories but the feelings of times gone past.

e.g. I'll have a wave of feeling come over me that will remind me of what I felt like when i was in in junior school if that makes sense!!?

It's always been a pleasant experience.
 

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I'm remembering more negative memories and having a slump in function and mood. But expect in the long run this will peak higher than where I was before it. I'm thinking I have a seriously bad attitude towards myself recently. Like a sense of hatred.. it's something I really have to address.

I will have a perfectly fine conversation with someone but only remember the bad thing I said and then just go over and over on it. I beat myself up continuously. Even the panic attack that started all this I had the looping thought "I hate myself and want to die". Was being bullied pretty severely and rather than blame them or see them as bad people I aimed that negative emotion at myself. I wanted to be someone else.

It will be a long path but being kinder to myself, seeing myself as a good person and someone worth protecting are steps I feel I need to make. Sounds new agey I know but it's true. You have to look after number one and take proper care of yourself like you're a child.
 

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Yeh the self authoring programme started to help.. I need to start it up again. In all honesty the money gives you incentive to actually do it, but I think it's a lot for what you get (from what I can tell at the mo). It will make a difference for sure.

There was a post recently called 'I love DP' or something. I might watch it now I kind of get what he may have been saying. So much about myself, my past, my beliefs, my symptoms.. bring stress and then I blame and shame myself and think I'm an idiot. I get frustrated and tense up. I give myself such a hard time and no time or compassion.. Microdosing shrooms is bringing some insight as well. Feeling 'the love' lol.. but supposedly psilocybin shuts down the amygdala..

My belief is that with dp it is overactive to EVERYTHING. Before dp I would turn that negative emotion inward at myself constantly. If people treated me badly I didn't express it I thought "how can I change myself to make this person like me?". Humour was most often what I used. But also would have to tap in to what that particular person found funny or trying to work out what they wanted.. it is such a toxic way to live my life.

I am STILL friends with some of these people who bullied me. I won them round but they aren't particularly nice people to have as allies. I guess it was a defence mechanism; 'better the devil you know than the one you dont', 'keep ur friends close and enemies closer'..

Rarely anxiety is helpful but more often it stops you being open minded and creative to change ur circumstances. It fixes you in place and gets you stuck in loops. So I'm stuck fighting dp rather than relaxing, calming down and being kind to myself.
 
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