Back to livng in this prepetual fear that I am going to either go crazy or die suddenly
..and hence the existence of the DP. My theory on DP hasn't changed much since I have been part of this board, in fact, the people and events that have shaped this board have done nothing but proven to me that I'm not that far off, I feel, on the reasons I seethe disorder exists. Apart from the physiological roots which does play strongly on some here (hormones, etc.), psychologically I don't feel it's much more than a great escape act by part of our minds in an attempt to protect us. It's quite possible some of us have neurobiological predispositions to the disorder - but nontheless, I believe the effects exist for purposeful reasons (ableit, perhaps, a bit overblown in our cases).
Some of my earliest and deepest fears regarded death. I remember being really, really young and waking up at nights in a deep sweat - afraid of the sudden awareness I had about my fragile reality in this world. I would re-realize that I was destined to die, to be non-existent, to be unaware, etc. - to face the blackness that I see as our end. This was a deep and extremely vivid reality to me - and I suddenly felt a great fear of entrapment overwhelm me. What I did to get over this feeling would characterize depersonaliation and derealization for me - I would escape into my mind and totally seperate myself from things. I became quite adept at being able to shield myself from my real surroundings as reality was, to me, too much to bear. In a sense, I was vividly and overly aware of the reality of existence, at least as it appeared to me, and that the existence I saw was not necessarily safe and loving to me just because I lived. Understand?
You may be religious, but you still fear death - or, at least, what it means to you in some fashion. If you didn't then your heart palpitations would be meaningless to you. I'm not saying that depersonalization or derealization is the escape mechanisms of our mind from the fear of death - but I am saying they are the, either purposeful or inflamed accidental, states our mind reach in order to distance ourselves from things that seem horrific or unpleasing in reality.
Reality has not changed to us - I really feel this; it did not suddenly change perceptually. What was blue before is still blue, right? What was soft before is still soft, right? You cannot hide from the empirical reality that was your world before - as it still exists today (have your children's names changed suddenly?). What did change was our reaction to our perceptions, or the hidden middle-layer of behaviorism that most people tend to forget (it isn't things that make us mad, but our reaction to things - therefore, us). The vivid, in your face, nature of reality is doing something different to you than it did before: perhaps you've become aware of it even more, or perhaps it changed in a way that was unsettling. The basic tenets of existence didn't change - but something did change that overwhelmed your psychological filters to it, and hence, your ability to deal with it. Like a child who reacts to a frightening shadow by hiding their heads under the covers - we have draped over us some new and present veil of protection that, due to its effects upon us, also makes us feel uncomfortable: in other words, you fear death, so you nudge away death through mental numbness, but you're so damn overly aware of your body and mind that the mental numbness now feels as scarey as the death itself. In short: what else can your mind do?
It's complex and, yet, simple all at the same time - so simple that I think we overlook it. I may be wrong, but I really don't feel so - and the reason is because, as with any idea that leans towards being correct, I can make certain assumptions using it as a basic rule and those assumptions tend to pan out. Let me show you...
I fear death - that is a fact. My mind is going to react to this fear in a mulitude of ways, and one of those ways is by derealizing the reality that includes death, and depersonalizing the fears I have associated with it. So what have I done? I stop for a second and observe nature and think about the world that will continue to exist after I die - I think about the sun that will rise the next morning, and I think about the beauty that won't die with me. Once I start realizing that once I die, the world that I existed in won't die, but will continue to grow (maybe even a bit better since I was in it), I become less afraid of death.
I fear going crazy - that is a fact. So what I do is realize that even if I were to go crazy, I would survive, I wouldn't die, and there are medications out there to help. I might even try so hard to work against it that I could help scientists with the disorder (by taking experimental drugs), or I could even travel the country after recovering and help others out in the disorder too.
In short, the greatest thing to fear is fear itself. Rather than chasing your tail with depersonalization and derealization, come to peace with the reality you're living - and suddenly it won't feel so wrong living it. That's my two cents, take it or leave it.
