[Axel19]

Well I'm doing pretty darn bad at the moment.
I really don't get it, life is just too weird to comprehend. I'm scared of it, reality really has been turned on its head. I did two essays about a month ago, whilst heavily dp'ed. I was praying that I might just about pass. I got them back last week, and guess what; I got a 2.1 in one of my essays, which for those who don't know, is the second highest grade you can get, it was one of the highest in my class. In the second essay I got a friggin' first (the best grade you can get), one of the highest marks in the whole year. Hardly anyone gets a 1st in the first year. You'd think I'd be pleased, but it just didn't seem right. 'I must be imagining this' I thought. I must have finally descended into some deep psychosis, where I can achieve high grades at university level without doing any work. Either that or the world is mad, it just can't be right. In fact I found it very scary.
Also I'm doing very well in my driving lessons somehow. At my bar job, I seem to be extremely efficient. In fact everythings going just right, but non eof it feels real.
The one thing I can't do is hold a conversation. I' scared to look at people cos' they look so flat and cartoony. I literally feel like I'm watching a cartoon sometimes, one of those new 'supa dupa' Pixar features. How can someone who feels liek they're watching a cartoon, instead of actually living, achieve high grades and go on living so efficiently. I must be mad, must be.
All that floats around my mind all day are the most morbid ideas from philosophy, psychiatry, even politics. I liv ein the most nihilistic of uncertainty, I must be mad, even if I do get back to being normal, society is crewed up, and people are just palin evil. I'm a real grumpy pr*ck too. When I do think about normal stuff, like other people and how they are, I just cast rotten judgements one everyone. Daily life such as reading, watching movies, socialising, it all seems so absurd and poitnless. Magazines are a nighmare to read, they're just full of fakeness, devoid of any real human substance. The ads actually scare me by how absurd they seem. Even my own cynicism seems absurd. I'm also intense;y paranoid about what other people are thinking about me, whilst also trying to prove that they have minds at all.
I don't want to be like this.
I have to got back to London on Tuesday to a concert at Wembley, but I'm terrfied, cos' I havent' left this depressing campus in over seven weeks. I'm very scared.
Any advice or support would be greatly welcomed.

 

[Andy T]

Hi Alex,

I've had all those sensations you describe - and still do when stressed. I've gone on about this before on the forum, but you have to make sure there's nothing unnecessary in your system for a while, and see if you feel better...

(Preferably no meds), no rec drugs, no caffeine etc etc. I just think it's good to check in on your 'natural' physical self from time to time.

All the best,

Andy

 

[Andy T]

[deleted double post]

 

[Mr.A454]

I've also had all of this. It's as if you feel like an alien just coming to this new place. I'd watch commercials or read a magazine and be aware of what the director or writer "wanted" me to think or "wanted" me to feel. But you just have to stop thinkin about what other people want you to feel or want you to be and just think about how you actually feel about something. dont know how much sense that just made. I had the same problem with the cartoony people. I was afraid to look at people because they looked so foreign. looking into someones eyes didn't have any meaning. You need to start appreciating what you did. thats an awesome accomplishment and YOU did it not someone else. I made a video for a class a few weeks ago and my teacher said it was better then the one he usually showed to the class. I didn't even no how to respond when he said this to me. I was just like " ah yeah really" but didn't really mean anything to me because the dp makes you so disconnected from yourself and everyone else. It'll get better trust me on that. just acknowledge what you've done and it will slowly start to set in.

 

[Dick]

life is just too weird to comprehend

I feel you bro!

I've said that exact sentence to myself many many times and have struggled with all the things you describe.

I find that watching something on TV which involves people being good to each other (NOT THE NEWS) or reading a book of similar effect, sometimes even when listening to a genuine piece of music about some experience or other *thinks Bob Dylan-Don't think twice its alright* can pull me out of that depressive mindset. When I am walking down the street It feels like I'm in the matrix and everyone around me is evil, sad and insignificant. So now-days I never leave the house without my big earphones so that I don't have to pay attention to the world. (I live in London)

People ARE good, it's just hard to see in our society.

Personally I find a good sci fi book/movie makes me feel much better, they put in perspective how amazing the human race is and often give me a sense of kinship with other human beings. Something that a DP'd person treasures!

And I know what you mean about the ad's- they make me feel really terrible. If I don't mute them I can end up shouting out sarcastically about the greed of their authors, even when other people are in the room hahaha. I've just bought sky plus though so I don't have to watch them so much anymore wooh!