[Kelson12]

I am just so scared right now. Living with this is the worst thing imaginable. I am just so scared. It is controlling me and my life and I can't deal much longer. I feel like I am sinking into an abyss of myself. I just can't relax.

I was feeling fairly well last week and had a GREAT Easter, but then I had class this weekend, then my friend came in town, then I went out of town to New Mexico (I live in Ohio) for a day and all this change, leaving town, throwing me off my normal routine has made me feel soooooo depressed, DPed, high anxiety, and scared. I just don't know anymore. I see a Psychiatrist every week, but I just don't know. There are times where I think I am getting better and then there are times like this that I feel like I can't even move a muscle without feeling so detached and scared. I know many of you will say, "At least you feel good sometimes!", and I understand that it is nice to feel better sometimes, but in essence it makes the down times even worse. I just don't know what to do. Something needs to be changed, but I just don't know what. Anyone?

Thanks.

Kelson

 

[agentcooper]

do you think that you are getting better at all? do you have more "good" days than you used to?

 

[Kelson12]

Hey agentcooper...thanks for the reply. Well, if you woulda asked me last week I woulda said, "Yes, I think I am getting better", but honestly I don't really know. I don't even really remember what "better" is supposed to feel like. I just know that I feel no desire for life when I feel down and out and just want to curl up in a ball and disappear. When I feel better, it is hard picturing feeling down, but when I am down, it is extremely hard to picture feeling better. I don't think I have bi-polar, but I think that change out of my normal routine throws my mind into an array of thinking that makes me DPed and depressed. I know my psychiatrist realizes this and we have begun to pinpoint it, but I just don't know how much longer I want to live like this. Who even knows if I will ever "feel" and enjoy life in the future. That's what scares me.

Kelson

 

[agentcooper]

i really know what you mean when you say "When I feel better, it is hard picturing feeling down, but when I am down, it is extremely hard to picture feeling better." that is one of the weirdest things about having dp/dr...you just can't remember why it is so horrible when you aren't feeling it. you know that you thought it was horrible, but you don't know why. and when you are feeling dp/dr you can't imagine it will ever get better.

i really think the only thing that has ever made me feel o.k. when i'm dp/dred, is putting myself in a very stress free, and happy life. i do mean changing my whole life. i've had to get different jobs...move to different cities...basically set up a new life for myself for a time. is there any way you can cut out the stress from your life?

 

[Kelson12]

Again, thanks for the reply. Honestly though there isn't really that much stress in my life. I mean, I go to work, am going to school every other weekend for my Masters degree, but other than that I just have the normal little stressors of living on my own, bills, rent, etc...etc...but I don't LOVE my job, but it isn't that bad. I just am always worried about how I feel and when my normal routine is changed its like my mind gets anxious and scared and then DP kicks in and thinks its "protecting" me. I just don't know how to not think about it. Ya know?

 

[livinginhell333]

its hard not to think about it when its what your feeling. at least your not like me. i mean i don't have the anxiety, but i just feel nothing. no emotion. i can't feel the ground under my feet. when i walk doesn't feel like me walking, when i move my hands and pick up things doesn't seem like its my hands, i don't feel the chair i am sitting in right now and my head feels like a balloon. it sucks.

i have no good days. some days i try to be kinda happy and i laugh every now and then, but its hard when you don't really enjoy doing things anymore, at least you can still enjoy things. lets hope we all get better some day and live normal lives or at least close to normal lives and enjoying life somewhat, but its easy to be depressed when you seriously don't feel anything and just feel dead and you feel like your a ghost and when like familiar places aren't familiar anymore to you. its horrible i want it to go away, but its not that easy. i know if i had one wish that would be my wish no doubt about it. i hope the depression lifts so i can start enjoying things a little more, but for some reason i think i'm going to be an emotionless not caring zombie for a while...unfortunately.

 

[Guest]

All I have to say is, I understand entirely.

 

[enigma]

but then I had class this weekend, then my friend came in town, then I went out of town to New Mexico (I live in Ohio) for a day and all this change, leaving town, throwing me off my normal routine has made me feel soooooo depressed, DPed, high anxiety, and scared.

Maybe you just need to give yourself some time to regain your equilibrium.

Whenever something messes up my routine I always need some time to readjust.

Sounds simplistic, I know. But I can easily imagine how much all of the above that you describe would rattle my cage.

e

 

[Monkeydust]

I can definitely relate to what Agentcooper and Kelson have said regarding ups and downs. Sometimes when all my symptoms go away I either think "was I really feeling that bad?" or "If I was, why was it bothering me so much?"

You quickly realize the answers as soon as it comes back again.

Personally Kelson - and I'm not just saying this to make you feel better - I think you're getting better. I don't know for sure; that's just the impression I get from your posts.

If you are getting better then "ups and downs" are to be expected; there's no avoiding them really. As you know, the trik is to minimize the impact of the "downs" by trying to prevent your thought patterns from "spiralling" - by carrying on "as if" you were more or less ok.

If all goes well, the "ups" should become the "norm" - and these bad periods will start to get less and less frequent, even if they don't go away entirely.

I hope you carry on getting better like you seem to be.

 

[Kelson12]

I can definitely relate to what Agentcooper and Kelson have said regarding ups and downs. Sometimes when all my symptoms go away I either think "was I really feeling that bad?" or "If I was, why was it bothering me so much?"

You quickly realize the answers as soon as it comes back again.

Personally Kelson - and I'm not just saying this to make you feel better - I think you're getting better. I don't know for sure; that's just the impression I get from your posts.

If you are getting better then "ups and downs" are to be expected; there's no avoiding them really. As you know, the trik is to minimize the impact of the "downs" by trying to prevent your thought patterns from "spiralling" - by carrying on "as if" you were more or less ok.

If all goes well, the "ups" should become the "norm" - and these bad periods will start to get less and less frequent, even if they don't go away entirely.

I hope you carry on getting better like you seem to be.

Thanks Monkeydust. At times I feel better, but like right now I feel like not even being here. Things just don't feel right and I feel so detached. But hopefully I will start feeling a little better soon. Thanks again for the reply. I appreciate it. Take care.

 

[agentcooper]

do you have any dr? or is it just dp. i mostly have dr which can be better and worse in ways than dp. (i used to have both of them.)

 

[Kelson12]

I really don't know what the difference is. I mean, I just don't feel attached to the external environment and don't feel connected to myself. But nothing really looks "2D" or "flat" or "cardboard-like". I just don't feel "here". Just trapped in my own head. And looking at the external environment as well as myself makes me freak the hell out! Sounds make it worse and bright lights, crowded places, etc. make it worse.

I just got back from the doctor. There is nothing like a doctor telling you, "Wow, that must be a horrible feeling!" Geez, thanks for the assurance buddy. If it wasn't horrible, would I really be here talking to you? No.

 

[Guest]

Kelson, I owe you a PM and will try to reply later this evening, apologies on how long that's taking.

ANyway, okay. Listen up: first, you're WAY too introspective right now. One of the scariest things about all these symptoms is that yes, you're right - we CANNOT remember with any color or flavor how other states of mind FEEL when we're sunk deeply into one or the other.

I call it a kind of "emotional amnesia" - the STATE of mind we get into in these regressed mindsets literally does not allow us to "flip back and forth" into different emotional memory. We ARE the state we're IN, and no other option seems like it was ever viable or will be again.

Problem is, to make it all worse, the harder we TRY to recall such emotional connections, the farther away we get from self

It's like a post I made awhile back - you cannot "CATCH" a floater in your vision field. And the more desperately we look into self, and the harder we try to FORCE ourselves to feel something or recognize something, the more illusive it becomes.

OUTward, now more than ever.
This phase will pass, but you're looking for solutions in the wrong direction.

Love,
Janine

 

[bat]

hi kelson

i know how cruel it is but you just have to keep on existing through it until it starts to ease off. are you still taking zoloft?

also something i've found helpful is going home to my mums house for a few weeks. its in a different country and at first its always hard emotionally when i'm fragile but after i settle and join her routine i can totally relax and always have her support. do you have a supportive family/friend that you could turn to for a while? join in their routine with no expectation or hassle. it might help

 

[Martinelv]

I know how you feel Kelson.

For me, the set-backs during recovery were worse than the actual initial Dr event itself. There's nothing worse than starting to enjoy life after an age of torment, then suddenly get kicked in the face. It's a savage disappointment. During the 'good times' I think the fear of the horror returning can be as scorching as the bad times. It's a bastard.

But hang in there buddy. Sounds like you've doing everything right on the road to full recovery.

 

[Kelson12]

Thanks for the replies everyone! I truly appreciate it. Today I am feeling a little better. I really kept myself busy this weekend. Got outside and enjoyed the weather. Visited my friend who has a 2 year old. Little kids always help me put things in prospective. They always bring my mood up a little bit.

Janine-I know you are a busy, busy lady! So PM me when you can. Thanks!

I am working hard to think outward. Honestly, I think I need to learn how to let life just come to me as opposed to always forcing things. But like most things, it takes time.

Well, thanks again. Take care.

Kelson

 

[Guest]

Kelson: I feel exactly as you do right now. I posted my experience in the thread "what if it's all just a dream too"... All I can say is all the best.

Nancy

 

[Kelson12]

bumped this because it is EXACTLY how I am feeling now. Went about 3 weeks feeling good and then crashed again. Again, can't imagine feeling well again. But reading my posts it sounds like deja vu. Only thing is this time I really don't know what triggered it. Who knows. I don't know how much longer I want to deal with the ups and downs. I really don't.

Suggestions welcome. Thanks.

Kelson

 

[agentcooper]

you should keep a log of when your bad days are, and see if there's a pattern. i am positive my bad days are connected to my hormones. i'm currently trying some pills that are supposed to regulate my hormones. so far it really hasn't done anything for me...but i suppose we'll see.

maybe if there's a pattern you can determine what sets you off....

anyway, good luck. we all can sympathize...

 

[Kelson12]

Agent....thanks for the reply. Actually I've been keeping a log of good days and bad days for two years! Originally I thought it was triggered by alcohol, which at times I still think may be the case. Sometimes I think it is triggered by changes, i.e., starting school, going out of town, having to do something different for work, a holiday, etc. But honestly, I don't know. This last time it came back, I really don't know why. I have begun to drink more again, so it may be a trigger. But honestly, I am not sure. Its like my brain just collapses and shuts me off from things out of no where. It would be very nice to know if there is a certain trigger, but honestly I think it is just my personality and always thinking inward. Sure, the alcohol does NOT help at all and I am still working on trying to become clean. But once it starts coming back alot, I have a very hard time fighting it off. Right now my head just kinna hurts and I am very tired. Just overall drained. The DP makes me really not want to live anymore when it is this bad. When I feel good, I don't want to die, when I feel this bad, I want to die. What a life.

Kelson