"Saudade" is a portuguese word that cannot be translated to other languages to it's full extent. It is sometimes translated as " to miss" but that doesn't even scratch the surface of "Saudade"'s full meaning. It is a lot more intense than just to miss something. With DP a very present sensation in me is the Saudade for the old times, how things were, how they flowed, how I felt them and how aware, present and lucid I was. Saudade is more than just missing. It is the memory of enjoying something so much you live by that sensation and wishing it would return intensly since it cannot come back. It is the desire for the future and the present to be colored through that great vibrating sensation that made you feel ALIVE- a concept that becomes very abstract to people who suffer from Depersonalization.
With this condition I have lost most of the basis of the concepts I took as being mine, the concepts that made-up my personality. They were all shattered by this condition that came out of nowhere and ruined my life or what I imagined of it. Memories seem more lucid than reality while at the same time it becomes so difficult to remember even the slightest things. It is the sensations that you know you felt that revive the memories and are about the only link to your past that you consciously can conceive. Thoughts spiral in every direction but the one of the present moment or the healing of the condition, All that is left is the Saudade along the inner void of what seems like a distant past, an uncertain future and an absent present.
Now it makes sense that a DP sufferer would look in the past for a sense of identity seeing that in his present the idea of being a self is unconceivable. But after writing the first paragraphs, I'm left wondering if what I'm missing goes beyond a notion of past but the sensation itself. I do not miss the past per se- I miss the feeling of identity and lucidity. I miss being "something" as opposed to the the "nothing" that I feel now. This is something that bothers me: What is it that can go so wrong that despite all the crazy rollercoaster emotions and moments life puts you through you can't still feel yourself, your emotions and your being? What kind of fucked up stuff happens inside of you that makes you detach so further from yourself, you feel as though you're eternally an astronaut drifting through an empty galaxy? What is it that differentiates me from the other people that go through similiar emotional experiences but don't dissociate to this extent? What is it concretely that made me get into this state, since I cannot even begin to understand an exact precise moment that would trigger all the awful past 2 years? Is it my thoughts? Is it my soul? Is it God? Is it a chemical imbalance in the brain? Is it an awakening of some sort? Is it a mental illness? More than that, what can heal this? Is medication for anxiety not just gonna numb me and the feelings and not heal them? Is a shift in perception all that is needed? Is it simply coming to terms with the present moment and stop travelling in this dicotomy that is travelling through the past and in the future, torn between Saudade and antecipation for better days? What is wrong? What is still so wrong after so much soul searching, so much meditation, so much thoughts and so many sensations? What is it after so many tears, that still arises in my chest knocking to be let go but is then to afraid to fly when I open my heart? What is it?
I'm left with so many questions, so many doubts and so little answers. People keep telling me it's a phase to which I always reply " a phase that has been going on for 2 years now?". Maybe i'm deeply impatient indeed. Maybe i'm being stubborn and resisting reality as it is. Maybe I escape it because I am afraid of it. There are so many possibilites, so many interpretations and when you think you've found "the one", life shows you that it's still not that: It still hurts. You breathe deeply: It still hurts. You meditate: it still hurts. You are with your friends: It still hurts. You're all by yourself: It hurts even deeper. You're doing something you like: It still hurts. Throughout it all, it still hurts. After 2 years of so much reflection, so much soul searching and so much looking back to find the cause and delete the effect all i'm left is with a deep void that haunts me throughout my depersonalized existence.
Saudade is an untranslatable word but i'm starting to think that so is Depersonalization.