Today was perhaps the most 'real' I have felt in a long time. My cat, a near 15 year old buddy sadly had to be put to sleep this morning.
Why was today significant? I barely flinched when my grandfather passed and he had spent his last year living with us, every day a waking nightmare dealing with his combination of Parkinsons and dementia. I simply got angry at my Aunt's husband's behaviour when she finally succumbed to her Motor neurone disease. So why do I suddenly feel very real and very hollow now that I have stroked my cat's soft little cheek for the last time?
I haven't switched off today and in that I think I have realised something. Through all these years my DP or DR or whatever I have going on inside my head has dissociated myself away from family so much that I hardly feel bad when something horrid befalls them. there are days I wonder if I'll cry when my sister dies, I'm sure I will. but I never thought I'd be so shocked and vacant as I am now that I can come home and not be greeted by his comforting purr and rubbing up against my leg. In all that dissociation though was my cat. honestly, the one thing that has been relatively constant in my life over these last 15 years and now he has gone I feel like I am seeing for the first time the ocean of nothingness I'm drifting across, now all alone.
I know it's stupid, but I guess having a (relatively) unquestioning friend (he used to get moody with me if I went away for more than two days and he wouldn't 'forgive me' until a few days after my return) who could always comfort me was something I grew to accept as normal and now I don't know how I could of ever coped without him, or how I might cope now he's but a series of pleasant memories.
Maybe I'll find some way to cope but right now at least I feel like I'm walking a scary road having recently lost my only company.
As horrible as it is that you lost your friend today, I'm happy that you finally had a 'normal human' moment. I hope that you get past the grief, and life gets back to normal for you.
YES! I was like this when my dad died. I was so weird because I was sad and happy at the same time. I mean, sad because my dad died but happy because I was feeling something.
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