Please bear in mind that when I made the "Romeo and Juliest-esque" comment, I was being very sarcastic. It came to me because the reality of the relationship you have with her is so non-romantic/innocent, but the way you "hold" it has a mythical romance flavor. The dichotomy between reality and fantasy was interesting to me.
As I read your R&J tale above, I kept thinking about 'Of Human Bondage" - a novel by Somerset Maughn. Do you know that book? (don't cheat and see the movie, grin....it's certainly good, but doesn't tap into the darker psychological stuff that Maughn seems to understand too well).
Anyway, to make a VERY long story VERY VERY short, the main character is a screwed up young man with a leg/foot handicap - a cripple (in more than body). And his obsessive "love" for a cold and unloving beautiful woman is the thrust of it. It's about his using her as a kind of fetish - a secret meaning she holds for him, that really has nothing to do with WHO she is or how she treats him. The more she abuses him, misuses him, the less he can see the reality. The more he clings to the fetishized lust (for her as Object, for her as a redemption of him in some thwarted way). They are not having a relationship - but each "having" something inside their own minds that serves to prevent intimacy - using one another as "props" to enact a kind of self-definition.
One thing we dp/obsessive/narcissistic types are veryyyy good at is compartmentalizing. We are able to live the majority of our lives in one mode of self, and then keep "secret" holding pens for our wilder emotions. Some guys see hookers, or fantasy sex workers and play out secret parts of themselves that never see the light of day. Some guys have secret homosexual liaisons, daliances on business trips that are so sordid their family/friends would literally not believe it was them. Some men do it in isolation, with porn or phone lines.
It's a symptom of a split in the ego. And the result is that we CANNOT feel much in real life, but feel TOO much in our secret caves. Nowhere in any of that do real people count for much. We are "using" pieces of reality (such as other people) to fuel some private scenerio we don't even understand. But we go to like moths to a flame. We go to it as if we need a "fix."
One reason we are so hard to treat, if not impossible, is that we don't want to integrate ourselves even in the therapy sessions - we want to talk ONLY about the fantasy life, or only about day to day reality. And never the twain shall meet. We cannot imagine having a disucssion with a shrink about the "ex" (in your case) and being open to talking about feelings for the wife, for the children, for one's self in other areas. We keep our worlds separate. We keep our Self(ves) separate. And the harder the shrink tries to get us to bring it all into one large sandbox and explore it - the more we say "this has nothing to do with my marriage, family, etc...you don't get it. I need to just look at me and this girl - THAT is where some answer lies.."
I am NOT judging. And I think you know that. I couldn't care less what some internet friend does regarding fidelity, grin....I'm just saying that the way you comparmentalize key pieces of yourself off from the rest of you is VERY connected to your dp, and why you're probably a veryyyy hard therapy patient to make a dent in. grin
A great line from a psychoanalyst regarding narcissistic disturbances is this: "they want to do treatment and they want advice, and help. But they want to do it all on their own terms."
All that said, my friend, I enjoyed your tale - you're a good writer. you are.
Love ya,
J