I know I'm writing here too much, but I can hardly evaluate if it's annoying..... I've lost it...... completely.
So I guess I'm begging for sympathy.
I went home a few days ago and my sister (I've probably mentioned she's schizophrenic about 50 times here already) looked at me with the same look I know is on my face half the day.. searching me, trying to remember exactly what I'm supposed to mean to her. She looked at me like I was a stranger with the tag 'sister,' and she was trying to make me mean something but I can tell I'm nothing.
My parents are in so much pain that I can't even look at them.
My memory is worse than ever. I can't connect one moment to the next. I feel thoughtless. I don't know where these words are coming from. I feel like it will never come back.
I keep wanting to die, but I don't know why. I feel apathetic, but I must be depressed. I don't even know.
I cried today and it felt so good. Now I feel worse because it can't last forever.
I prayed today and I don't even believe in God. I want to. I can't talk to anyone. Having secrets is comforting to me. I have no idea why.
I feel just like Lisa from Girl, Interrupted if during her breakdown at the end she had no idea why she was having it.