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I know I'm writing here too much, but I can hardly evaluate if it's annoying..... I've lost it...... completely.

So I guess I'm begging for sympathy.

I went home a few days ago and my sister (I've probably mentioned she's schizophrenic about 50 times here already) looked at me with the same look I know is on my face half the day.. searching me, trying to remember exactly what I'm supposed to mean to her. She looked at me like I was a stranger with the tag 'sister,' and she was trying to make me mean something but I can tell I'm nothing.

My parents are in so much pain that I can't even look at them.

My memory is worse than ever. I can't connect one moment to the next. I feel thoughtless. I don't know where these words are coming from. I feel like it will never come back.

I keep wanting to die, but I don't know why. I feel apathetic, but I must be depressed. I don't even know.

I cried today and it felt so good. Now I feel worse because it can't last forever.

I prayed today and I don't even believe in God. I want to. I can't talk to anyone. Having secrets is comforting to me. I have no idea why.

I feel just like Lisa from Girl, Interrupted if during her breakdown at the end she had no idea why she was having it.
 

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I can not imagine the pain that you are going through in terms of your sister, but I can imagine the pain of the dp and the incredible terror and suffering it is causing you. You sound a lot like me. When my brother was going through terrible depression and suicidal thoughts, I decided that I would fade into the background and not cause problems. I didnt' want to cause my parents any further pain, and I didnt' want to cause my brother further distress, even though I wanted to connect to him. I know it's not the same as schizophrenia, but the ache of having someone you love "gone" in an emotional/mental way is intense. I can't understand it all, but I understand some of it. Just keep moving forward, living day to day, and hopfully things will get better. Take care.
 
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