Depersonalization Support Forum banner

Right after surgery...

3306 Views 9 Replies 6 Participants Last post by  Xu
Hey everyone...

I am new to this site, but just finding all of you here with the exact same thoughts and fears as me is so comforting, even though im not sure if any of you are real, or if this website is real, or what is real??? those are the questions i ponder every day. However, I never had this until a few months ago. Strangely it all started after i had a knee surgery. Prior to that, I led a great life, had tons of friends, a loving (although broken) family, and had just received my masters degree. Strangely, a few days after this surgery, nothing seemed real to me. I started wondering if maybe I really died during the surgery and this is some sort of hell im stuck in. I then started to wonder if i ever existed or if anybody around me is real. The thing that keeps me going though, is the hope that i will be normal again one day. See the thing is, even if nothing was real before the surgery, I had no concept of these things, and i led a great life. So If i have no concept again of it one day, then that will be just fine with me, and if you believe that things are real, they will be real. That is what im hoping for one day. For the time being, I will think of this as an educational experience, and one day, when i am normal again, life will be better than it ever has been before, i will be stronger and more appreciative of the things around me. I hope this helps, and again, its great to know that im not alone.
1 - 1 of 10 Posts
Interesting, I never really thought much about my hospitalization because I'd had problems before it too. (for essentially my whole life)

When I was 16 I was in a coma for a couple weeks and had one of my jugular veins surgically removed to halt my disease. When I woke up I didn't know I had been unconscious for 2 weeks, I thought I woke up the day after surgery. I also didn't know how intense my surgery was. Apparently I was also in a drug induced coma after I had woken up. I was awake for some time that I have no memory of, during which I tried to rip out my surgery drainage tube and IVs, as well as physically attacked my aunt and nurses. Many doctors were needed to hold me down, and they ended up stitching my arm to a board to hold my IVs in. I do have one visual memory of that part.

I have no idea why I did that. I wish I could remember.

When I woke up for real in the hospital, my first moments after the dreamy ones felt incredibly CLEAR. I felt like I was floating around the whole time. Everything was clear, and I was just floating around mentally watching things. For a while afterward, everything felt weird and rushed. Like I could feel time physically pulling me foreward. Like wind. It wasn't actually bad, but now a few years after the surgery & illness I wonder if my brain suffered irrepairable damage. I had blood clots in my brain and well..everywhere. And what with all the drugs and the coma. This happened at the same time I withdrew cold turkey from paxil and trazodone.

I started to wonder a while after this if it was causing me to change, like I couldn't go back to how I was before because it was becoming impossible. But most of the time I just completely ignore it and don't even remember the experience itself.
See less See more
  • Like
Reactions: 1
1 - 1 of 10 Posts
This is an older thread, you may not receive a response, and could be reviving an old thread. Please consider creating a new thread.