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I am almost 30 years old and have been struggling with DP ever since I could remember. I can't recall a time in my life where I haven't felt like this. I was diagnosed at 14 years old.My teenage years were spent alone, when I would actually show up to school I would just have my headphones on all day and not talk to anyone, I didn't feel like I was even there so it helped me block out the world even more so that I could actually make it through the day. When I was 17 I finally made a few friends, but the depersonalization was still there. It is still so hard to feel anything but anger and sadness. I got with my husband when I was 19 and we have 4 kids together. I have just learned to live with it, but my lack of ability to feel emotions is finally getting the better of me. It has destroyed my relationship with my husband because I am unable to feel, I know I love him but I am having trouble showing him because I can't feel things like a normal human being. I broke up with him because he said that he didn't feel like I ever loved him. I did and still do even after he cheated on me a year and a half ago and then went to meet a chick off Facebook last week. I witnessed him cheating on me and it just broke me even further than I already was. I have already had trust issues because I never felt like any of my life was even real, although I know that it is. I am just so tired of not being able to feel much of anything and I don't blame him for cheating on me because I have never been able to be there for him on an emotional level, that is why I must let him go and move on with his life. He tells all of his friends that he hasn't been happy for ten years and I can no longer be a burden to him, he deserves to move on and find happiness because I don't know if I will ever get over this, if I will ever be able to feel. I have 4 awesome children and I want the best for them, so I will continue to fight for them, to try and feel. I know I love them , but I am unsure of how I feel for him because I know I don't trust him after he cheated on me and I also know that he deserves better, someone who can show affection and love him like I could not. I don't know if I can ever get over dp. I work 60-80hrs a week to try and distract myself, but lately it doesn't seem to be working. I just want to feel something real, but no matter how hard I try I am unable to. Dp has made it so hard to maintain relationships, I just hope I don't mess up my children's lives due to my inability to feel and to feel real. My husband said I was faking everything our entire relationship and now I see that he was right, because that was my only way of making it through each day, to pretend to be someone that I was not and pretending to feel things that I didn't. I am so selfish for putting him through it for 10 years and I don't even know where to start to find help, because I am tired of living life this way. I can't teach my children compassion and empathy if I can't feel it myself and that is why I work so much, so I have less time to mess up their lives. I don't even know where to begin on trying to change my life and trying to feel.
 
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