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Hey guys,

i used to be active on this forum years ago when i had a really bad episode of depersonalization.

i was bad for quite some time but i think it took me about a year to recover although the experience changed my life forever.

interestingly enough, after a combination of life events and unfortunate chemical changes to my body it proved to be a perfect storm for a mental breakdown and i've had a lot of those horrible thoughts come back that make life unbearable.

i've had some of the worst anxiety in my life and some awful depression for the past two months with these thoughts.

although i wouldnt say that i am depersonlized all the concerns i used to have such as the existential thinking have come back and they really get their claws into me. such as the sense of selflessness, the inability to enjoy anything or be in the moment, being confused about life and what the hell is going and what the hell is consciousness anyway and who am i and all that jazz. so i wouldnt just call it just depression but i dont think its as bad as full on dp/dr. this is an element of disassociation going on.

anyways, the reason why im posting is to see if anyone has had 'relapses' years later and yeah just trying to feel less alone in this battle.

cheers and keep on keeping on !
 

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hiya

Yep, I've had relapses, although looking back I think it was because I never really got the roots of my problems. Life always has it's ups and downs of course, but I related to life events in a bad way. I felt a lot of personal guilt, shame and responsibility for things that were out of my control, and as long as I continued to do this, it would eat away at my self-esteem, which is so key to mental health. By starting to challenge the bad feelings inside instead of identifying with them, and getting into the habit of making all my self-talk supportive and constructive, which in practice can be simple phrases like, "There was nothing I could do, it's not my fault," or "People and events made me feel really bad, but I'm not bad and never was" etc, I began to change my automatic thoughts and how I related to events and to myself. Really it's always ourselves we need to forgive, even when we did nothing wrong. Like any new habit It takes practice, but it can be done and I think the chances of relapse shrink more and more. I don't know if this will apply to you personally but this has been my experience.
 

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I haven't recovered from DP/DR, but last year I came along way, managing it, and recovering essential bits that brought life to me in a way or another. Recently, this year, it felt like I came upon a relapse, if you can call it that without full recovery. But it's the worst since I've started working on myself. The sense of self that I could grab into a lil bit isn't here and I can't bring myself to understand what a 'self' is. This feels like such a relapse from a year of both struggles and wins but there was always some ground level to hold onto.

But remember, you only recognize relapse because you've known what recovery is like, and been there, keep that always in your mind and if ignoring these thoughts doesn't work try rationalizing them with actually reading about it. Not philosophical books as that clearly might not help you, but from a scientific/psychological point of view.

Stay strong!
 
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