[HugoSpaans]

Hi everybody, my name is Hugo and I have been experiencing dpdr for the second time now for 2 weeks.

My first experience was about 3 years ago when I was 17. This was actually only derealization and existential thoughts. And this lasted a couple of months before it slowly faded away.

Unfortunately, I have been currently experiencing a relapse of dpdr since two weeks. And I have a few weird symptoms next to the usual symptoms that actually make no sense and I could not really find them anywhere when researching.

Firstly, I feel like my actual consciousness is decreased. It feels when you're falling asleep and your consciousness fades from 100% to 0%. And I am stuck at 50%.

Secondly, I am hyperaware of my own existence and I know this is a normal symptom. But sometimes I forget about it, and thus I am not being hyperaware at that moment. However, when the hyperawareness comes back it feels like waking up and it feels As if I was not consciouss the moment when I was not hyperaware.

Thirdly, and I believe this has a lot to do with the second symptom. The memory loss. When I think of things that literally happened two seconds ago It seems like I wasn't really there and the memory did not even really take place. This sort of turned into a constant thinking about what just happened (like a few seconds ago)to check if I was present. Not ever allowing me into the present moment because I keep repeating everything in my head.

I am currently unable to do anything really but my autopilot somehow gets me through work and social activities. I am constantly in my head and cannot even follow a conversation or read something without a lot of effort.

I am going to see a doctor in 2 days and hope it gets better. I feel so trapped. Every waking moment is hell.

 

[Dragoon909]

I do have trouble recalling earlier events: I took an hour walk today around the neighborhood, and I know that.
To tell you in detail what I saw and so on...I forget.
Usually I recall in detail, but not with the derealization.

And you're right, it is a living hell. Every single day the last month for me has been challenging to walk through.
It's like I'm in a fog.

I recently joined this forum myself back in November because I fell into derealization mostly.

I got stressed, had some anxiety attacks and now I'm here.

And yes, I can relate to being half awake and half asleep.. like some hypnagogic state.

My dreams are weird too...just strange stuff.

I also have tinnitus...

What I really want to do, is just be put into a deep sleep until my emotions come back.

Hopefully you start getting better... you're definitely not alone.

 

[NoDevils]

You almost certainly seem to be experiencing excessive self analysis and contemplation about symptoms. Very common among depersonalization havers.

 

[coolwhip27]

God damn. I couldn’t have described what it’s like to not be present any better. The mind goes on repeat because its faced with a problem of existence; it’s trying so hard to be present that it’s forgotten how to be. Its a symptom of questioning life so much to the point that it’s like you’re backed up into a corner without anywhere to go. The answer here really is to “let go”… but that isn’t a good enough description. Letting go doesn’t mean picking it up and dropping it. Letting go doesn’t mean you’re making an effort, like a decision you willfully make. Infact it’s quite the opposite

 

[NoDevils]

God damn. I couldn’t have described what it’s like to not be present any better. The mind goes on repeat because its faced with a problem of existence; it’s trying so hard to be present that it’s forgotten how to be. Its a symptom of questioning life so much to the point that it’s like you’re backed up into a corner without anywhere to go. The answer here really is to “let go”… but that isn’t a good enough description. Letting go doesn’t mean picking it up and dropping it. Letting go doesn’t mean you’re making an effort, like a decision you willfully make. Infact it’s quite the opposite

I think the word is acceptance. We associate the word "acceptance" with passive toleration but it's more about working with reality instead of fighting it. We can fight our circumstances such as trying to escape poverty or an abusive relationship but trying to fight reality itself is another matter. Anxiety also makes it difficult to accept reality because anxiety presents us with the scariest hypothetical scenarios.

 

[coolwhip27]

I think the word is acceptance. We associate the word "acceptance" with passive toleration but it's more about working with reality instead of fighting it. We can fight our circumstances such as trying to escape poverty or an abusive relationship but trying to fight reality itself is another matter. Anxiety also makes it difficult to accept reality because anxiety presents us with the scariest hypothetical scenarios.

If anyone thinks they need to make effort to “accept” reality in order to get better, then they are fooling themselves. What is already is what is, you don’t need to look at it and say “oh well I accept it”. Through pure observation of what is, there is already an acceptance. So the word “acceptance” doesn’t even need to come to mind. It’s not about declaring to yourself “I accept.” So really, the people telling others that all you need to do is “accept” might completely misunderstand what that really means.

 

[NoDevils]

If anyone thinks they need to make effort to “accept” reality in order to get better, then they are fooling themselves. What is already is what is, you don’t need to look at it and say “oh well I accept it”. Through pure observation of what is, there is already an acceptance. So the word “acceptance” doesn’t even need to come to mind. It’s not about declaring to yourself “I accept.” So really, the people telling others that all you need to do is “accept” might completely misunderstand what that really means.

That's what I'm saying. Acceptance is when you come to terms with what exists and what might exist in the future. It takes more effort not to accept.

 

[coolwhip27]

That's what I'm saying. Acceptance is when you come to terms with what exists and what might exist in the future. It takes more effort not to accept.

One has to go through this carefully. If you’re trying to “come to terms with” because you think it’s something you haven’t done yet, then you’re stuck in the same trap. The same trap of constant discontent, as you strive to reach the next imaginary goal. “If I do this, I’ll be happier and live a better life etc”, which is an illusion. You’ll find that it doesn’t matter what you tell or repeat to yourself. Saying “I must accept” is the complete opposite of accepting! Thought is a movement, not a fixed position, so as you’re exerting effort to try change you are resisting what is. The whole reality of what acceptance is, is not concerned with anything in particular. “I must accept my past, or accept that I’ve been struggling etc.”. This is also an illusion.

 

[NoDevils]

One has to go through this carefully. If you’re trying to “come to terms with” because you think it’s something you haven’t done yet, then you’re stuck in the same trap. The same trap of constant discontent, as you strive to reach the next imaginary goal. “If I do this, I’ll be happier and live a better life etc”, which is an illusion. You’ll find that it doesn’t matter what you tell or repeat to yourself. Saying “I must accept” is the complete opposite of accepting! Thought is a movement, not a fixed position, so as you’re exerting effort to try change you are resisting what is. The whole reality of what acceptance is, is not concerned with anything in particular. “I must accept my past, or accept that I’ve been struggling etc.”. This is also an illusion.

I see you're on that Zen Buddhist tip. I noticed in your thread.

 

[coolwhip27]

I see you're on that Zen Buddhist tip. I noticed in your thread.

I only say it because it’s true. But the explanation is not the fact, at best it’s just an expression thereof. All the Buddhist monks who try suppress desire are just as confused as the rest of us. Don’t suppress anything, observe yourself