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(If you don't read the whole post, just read this link- I promise it's worth your time!)

Whether or not you hurt their false self, they still hate you. They hate you by default.
This is something Fearless said about narcissistic parents. I've been thinking about the bolded part, because somehow there was something to it that intrigued me, even if I didn't agree with it.

My original reaction to this, was that I don't think hating 'by default' matches the description or behavior of a narcissist, at least in the online articles I've seen. Narcissists's react/overreact when someone does not meet their narcissistic needs, and will often then project their behavior onto them:


So it's not hard to imagine a very young child quickly entering the 'Devaluing Phase' described in the article, and staying there. Which is similar if not equivalent to 'hate by default'.

But I had a thought this morning about this. Having children is the most life-changing decision/experience/process a person can go through. The old trope is of people getting nervous about getting married, having second thoughts, etc.- well getting married is a piece of cake compared to having kids. Your weekends, your extra spending money, your extra time- all of that used to be yours, and now basically goes to your children. Of course, it's a sacrifice many people willingly and gladly make. I think this post describes it so well:

Now, the courage and love and selflessness and soul that this mother shows in her writing- the willingness to take on 10 men and Satan himself for her child- does a narcissist have even 1/1,000,000 of that? Ha ha, talk about rhetorical questions...

I think it's almost guaranteed than a narcissist, who is totally self-consumed and cares only about themselves, will resent and end up hating their child from a very early age. Too much time, too much work, too much crying, too much attention required on ANOTHER human being OTHER THAN themselves. If the narcissistic parent did not know this before they had you, they will realize it pretty quickly, and will hate your existence (unless you are a 'golden chid', in which they use your existence as a tool to hate your siblings.) Which actually ends up being the same thing as hate by default.

The end result is yes, a narcissist parent can/will end up resenting/hating their child by default. I mean it's basically inherent in the situation- a needy self-absorbed cowardly narcissist, and a 'needy' child. The child doesn't stand a chance. The best they can hope for is to walk on eggshells and hope for temporary safety and peace.
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