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If you were like me - completely clueless to how emotionally eff'ed you are and I don't know, maybe after three and half DECADES you start to consider the possibility that this might be psychological. You finally say "Fine, it's me. I can fix this." Maybe it really is time to confront that chick in the mirror. I ain't scared. I'll punch her in her dissociated face. lol If this what I have to do to get normal or safe again, I'm gonna go all Rhonda Rousey on her ass!!

So I stomp off to find me a mirror.

Okay me:
Okay, really look now: 1,2,3!
(Nuffin again)..
Grrr...WTF! why is this so hard!!!!.

Abracadabra! FEEL
Hocus Pocus! FEEL!
Allah Peanut Butter Sandwiches!!!! FEEL

(damn it!)

I couldn't do it. Annoyed and feeling really kinda of stupid (don't judge lol) ...I resigned myself and mumbled..."dissociated. my. ass..."

But then, days later when I wasn't thinking about it at a work function. I take out my compact and suddenly I'm looking at someone I don't know. I didn't just see her like in the mirror that day. I felt her. My heart pumped, my throat went dry, I'm connected to reality but damn this didn't feel good, I'm on the verge of panic but BAM! there I am.

And I hated her.
More than that I'm horrified. I start thinking: I knew I was bad but not THAT bad. Holy shit! really? Oh, gawd she freaking sucks! Say it isn't so.


"That's not true - That's impossible!!!!!"


I mentally say "NO NO NO" ..shake it off and my cameo appearance drive by with my horrendous self disappears.


"Whew! that was scary. Thank god that chick left. Man, she sucked. "

So I reverted back to my safe little numb hole didn't I?

What just happened?

I happened.

Welcome to disassociation at its clinical bitches. lol

Imagine (we're good at that). If your real self met your ..hmm, let's call her your "thinking self" at Starbucks for coffee.

Your thinking self show up dressed to the nines -scans the shop and see's that her blind date ain't no Ms. America. She can't run cuz she's already seen you. So your thinking self puts on some sun glasses and sheepishly makes her way to the table.

Real Self: Hi, I'm meccalexus48.

Thinking Self: (looks around to see if anyone see's her with you) Yea umm, Hi. Listen this was a mistake. I thought I wanted to meet you but to be honest I think you're: too fat, too skinny, too ugly, too weird and to be perfectly frank, too you. I really don't think you and I can be friends.

Real Self: "Ahh I see. (eyes filled with tears). I'm sorry you feel that way. I was hoping that maybe since we're able to see each other now that perhaps you and I could be friends. I've been waiting for you. We've missed so much. Since we're being honest, it hurts me very much that you see me that way. People have been saying those things to us our whole life haven't they? I've been terribly lonely and afraid and I was hoping we could come to depend on each other."

Thinking Self: "We?", there is no "we." There's YOU & there's me. There never will be. I will never accept you. Keep your weird spooky - cooties to yourself, ya freak."

Thinking self storms off and sticks the real you with the coffee bill.

What a bitch huh?

Do you feel sorry for the real self?

Me too.

In previous posts I talked a lot about what happen that might shape a person to refuse to see two different or opposing sides of themselves and I spoke specifically to "shame" being a biggie. I guess in a real way when we're damaged so young we have a hard time learning that feeling shame or disapproval for ourselves is normal. Loving ourselves despite our flaws is what happens when we're loved anyway. But we have to be taught that. The damage limited us and further circumstances made us feel like we were unloved for who we truly are. So we have to build a defense to a defense. This is what true depersonalization is. It's an impersonal relationship with yourself. And I believe my opinion of me is why it stayed chronic.
So what happens to the two? Well. The "thinking self" says..."damn it, I'm back at square one feeling like I'm not there and as much as I hate to admit it, maybe that scary weirdo might know something." So she calls her:

(Ring, ring)

Thinking Self: Yea, it's me...ya know the chick in the coffee shop? Listen, I'm not apologizing or anything and I still hate you but the next time I see you, I will try not to be as cruel to you. I ain't promising nothing though so don't get happy.
Real Self: Oh, I'm so glad you called. Thank you. You won't regret it. You'll see, you'll learn to love me.
Thinking Self: I said I'd try don't go planning a wedding date ya clingy bitch...
Real Self: I know, I know but thank you.
Thinking Self: Whatever. (Hangs Up)


I know you feel sorry for the real self but he's smarter than you think. She knows she's negotiating with a terrorist. But more than that she's more compassionate. She knows underneath that façade of meanness, arrogance and denial is a little girl whose been really hurt. Who is deeply ashamed of herself and because of that feels so unlovable that she can't even admit it to herself. She had to escape when there is none. She forced herself to disappear. She wants more than anything to connect with the thing that makes her feel alive and whole but doesn't know how. And only she knows that will only happen if she learns to negotiate carefully and kindly.

The analogy is above isn't just an analogy. It's as close to the real shit as I can get. I wish I could reach out to you to tell you that this one of the things you will face when you feel safe enough to peak over the wall. This place that I'm in is different from yours or maybe it isn't but one my friends I honestly hope you'll get to.

The chronically depersonalized are a heart breaking lot. Not because our circumstance was hard or sad but because our circumstances broke us at time when we weren't able to defend ourselves and it crippled us from growing when we might have otherwise flourished. And it told us lies that made us believe that we aren't lovable. The truth is the thinking self and real self are one. One beautiful, funny, smart, confused, creative, silly, sad, complex but lovable human being just trying to find her way.

And the real self has made it her mission to take care of her.

I share this with you (if anyone ever actually reads this crap lol) because I'm learning that the things is that makes us weak can sometimes make us the most beautiful and I think maybe stronger in way that we might never have been.
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