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Hi again. Some of you have probably already seen me post a lot here but I'm struggling so much so I feel like I have to just write this all down. And also I feel like this site is the only place with people who understand, so here it goes.

The past week have been the worst dpdr week in my life, I honestly didn't think it could get this bad. When I went to school yesterday I was suddenly hit with the most extreme dissociation ever. It was like I had left my body for a few seconds at a time, I couldn't take in anything that was happening at all. This was absolutely terrifying because I was in my school surrounded by a bunch of people, while feeling like I had just left earth into another dimension or something. This came back several times again, between an extreme feeling of unreality. Luckily I had someone to pick me up and go home. But since then my dpdr has been so extreme I feel like ending it all, I just can't take it. I didn't think it could get any worse but here I am. Sure it was bad before too, but now the symptoms are 500x worse. Everything is blurry, everything is in a way zoomed out to me, I don't recognise where I am at all anymore, brain fog times a billion, sounds have decreased so I can't hear a lot. I feel like I've disappeared entirely. I've lost my grasp of reality. These are feelings I have 24/7. Tonight, I had a total meltdown. It was like I had gone insane. I sat with my parents and felt as if I had disappeared into thin air. I was just screaming and sobbing, trying to explain that now I've really lost it. I really think I have. There is no way i can recover from this. I can't take in anything that's happening around me. And I get that these are symptoms of dpdr, but mine are SO extreme. They've almost managed to convince me that nothing is real, and gone extreme to the point where I can't function as a human anymore.

I don't get it. What am I doing wrong? I've tried so desperately to hold myself together and done so much to live on as usual while trying to decrease my anxiety. Do I need to get into a mental hospital or something? Cause it really feels like that. It can't just be anxiety for sure. Even opening my eyes is horrible because everything looks SO unreal. I can't even explain how unreal it all looks and feels. I don't know who to talk to, I don't know what to do with myself. I just feel like I've lost it.

And I so desperately want to live as normal. I can't take the fact that my life is over, I'll never have the life I want. I'll have to spend it isolated, either alone at home or in a psych ward. How on earth will I function as a normal human being ever again? There's just no way. I hate this. Dpdr is ruining me. I've always had hope, but I just can't anymore. I'll have to end my life or something cause I don't want to live as a crazy human being. I've always had a plan and known what I want in life, and it's not possible if this continues. I don't know who to talk to, what kind of doctors take care of things like these? My parents wants to take me to just a regular psychiatric, while I'm pretty sure I need to take some sort of medicine or something. I just don't know what to do with myself. Is this the end?
 

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It is not the end, and your symptoms, even though surreal and torturing to you, are not at all unusual. It does not make it any better for you to know that rn, but trust me that you are not alone in this, and that what you feel does not make you "crazy" as you said. You are not crazy, you are just in a lot of pain, and the way out of it will be to gradually understand what is causing such emotional pain in you.

You can and you will get out of that. Try looking into depression aside DPDR, with your therapist, because it can accompany it - at least that was my experience. If there is depression, it is the first one to work with, so that you can stabilize. There are no meds for DPDR, as far as I am aware, but antidepressants can serve the purpose of stabilizing a person, when they feel so overwhelmed as you are rn.

You are still you, and you will continue to be, that person is still in there, even though nothing seems real. At this point, you need to trust it can get a lot better, even if your mind is convincing you otherwise.
 
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