G
Guest
·I am twenty-one years old and just found out that I suffer from depersonalization. I have always felt it a little bit my entire life. Like something was not quite right. I have imagined many times in my mind this exact moment, when I would finally figure out what was wrong. It used to be just a nagging thought in the back of my head. Sometimes I would see halos around light sources. I felt bizarrely introspective. I was unable to understand who or why I am myself. It never bothered me too much. Last June I began smoking marijuana regularly. That led to my first sense of deep depersonalization. I sat in my driveway with my head between my knees and close my eyes and felt as if I were an extremely small point in a vast and limitless universe. I felt like my body was not real, like it was only an extension of the rest of the world, which was just some false "reality" that had been pulled over my eyes. My vision, which had been fine until I first smoked marijuana, began to deteriorate. I felt like I was staring at the world through dirty lenses, which couldn't be cleaned no matter how many times I wiped my eyes. At the end of the summer I began using DXM, which heightened this experience. I thought it was just the dissociative effects of the drug, which diminished and eventually disappeared after a day or two. Two days ago I did 900 mg DXM, smoked marijuana laced with PCP, and freebased about 5 mg 5-MeO-DMT. I became extremely dissociated, and everything took on a cartoon-like feel. People looked like puppets and moved rigid and mechanically. I felt no contact with my body. I felt no emotion. My body was completely numb. I looked in the mirror and didn't recognize who I saw. The face I saw seemed to be a collage of a face. The pieces were unrelated and moved around. The eyes, which I took to be mine, were vacant and distant. For two hours, I was convinced I was going to die. My trip sitter eventually calmed me down, and I went to bed thinking I would wake up feeling normal. But I didn't. This morning is the second day and I feel just as dissociated as I did after coming down. The visual effects aren't nearly as bad, but I don't think this feeling will ever go away. It was always there in the back of my head, but now I can't stop thinking about it. I can feel my sense of self deteriorating. The more I try to reason myself out of it, the worse it gets. The more I doubt my depersonalization, the deeper it becomes. I am relieved to have finally pinpointed the cause of my distress, but I am horrified by the direction I think it is going. My body pulses and my fingers go numb. I feel a throbbing in my head and my face and my jaw. I can't understand why I am me. I can't understand who I am. I feel no motivation to do anything. All my emotions are muted. I can't imagine being happy or anything but anxious or frightened. I don't feel like my body or my thoughts or emotions have any relation to the corporeal. I feel no attachment to my physical being. I know two days doesn't sound like much, but it's the longest I've been clean in years and I don't feel any better. I don't like how this feels and I want it to stop.
