Depersonalization Support Forum banner
1 - 8 of 8 Posts
G

·
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I am twenty-one years old and just found out that I suffer from depersonalization. I have always felt it a little bit my entire life. Like something was not quite right. I have imagined many times in my mind this exact moment, when I would finally figure out what was wrong. It used to be just a nagging thought in the back of my head. Sometimes I would see halos around light sources. I felt bizarrely introspective. I was unable to understand who or why I am myself. It never bothered me too much. Last June I began smoking marijuana regularly. That led to my first sense of deep depersonalization. I sat in my driveway with my head between my knees and close my eyes and felt as if I were an extremely small point in a vast and limitless universe. I felt like my body was not real, like it was only an extension of the rest of the world, which was just some false "reality" that had been pulled over my eyes. My vision, which had been fine until I first smoked marijuana, began to deteriorate. I felt like I was staring at the world through dirty lenses, which couldn't be cleaned no matter how many times I wiped my eyes. At the end of the summer I began using DXM, which heightened this experience. I thought it was just the dissociative effects of the drug, which diminished and eventually disappeared after a day or two. Two days ago I did 900 mg DXM, smoked marijuana laced with PCP, and freebased about 5 mg 5-MeO-DMT. I became extremely dissociated, and everything took on a cartoon-like feel. People looked like puppets and moved rigid and mechanically. I felt no contact with my body. I felt no emotion. My body was completely numb. I looked in the mirror and didn't recognize who I saw. The face I saw seemed to be a collage of a face. The pieces were unrelated and moved around. The eyes, which I took to be mine, were vacant and distant. For two hours, I was convinced I was going to die. My trip sitter eventually calmed me down, and I went to bed thinking I would wake up feeling normal. But I didn't. This morning is the second day and I feel just as dissociated as I did after coming down. The visual effects aren't nearly as bad, but I don't think this feeling will ever go away. It was always there in the back of my head, but now I can't stop thinking about it. I can feel my sense of self deteriorating. The more I try to reason myself out of it, the worse it gets. The more I doubt my depersonalization, the deeper it becomes. I am relieved to have finally pinpointed the cause of my distress, but I am horrified by the direction I think it is going. My body pulses and my fingers go numb. I feel a throbbing in my head and my face and my jaw. I can't understand why I am me. I can't understand who I am. I feel no motivation to do anything. All my emotions are muted. I can't imagine being happy or anything but anxious or frightened. I don't feel like my body or my thoughts or emotions have any relation to the corporeal. I feel no attachment to my physical being. I know two days doesn't sound like much, but it's the longest I've been clean in years and I don't feel any better. I don't like how this feels and I want it to stop.
 
G

·
Discussion Starter · #2 ·
Sounds like you've had a pretty intense trip. I think the most DXM i've ever done is 900 mgs which was the first time i did it...and I smoked some weed on top of that. I can only imagine what it must have been like for you. The feeling of being on DXM lingered inside of me for about a week afterwards and I came back down. The only problem is, when I cam back down, i went back for more. You don't want to end up perma-tripping like me so drugs are not the answer. Dissociatives, if they don't cause dpdr, can cause plenty of other things. I have a friend who took DXM almost on a daily basis for a year and has brain damage. I have a feeling you should be alright, but only if you quit all that crap you've been doing.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
46 Posts
Gotta stop doing that shit man. My friend did all that stuff when he was 16 and now he's in a mental hospital at 20. Schizophrenic.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,239 Posts
Hi. A few months ago I had a similar experience with Mushrooms where I became incredibly dissociated (is this the right term?) and for a few hours I was convinced I was going to die (Because all I could feel or think about was pain in my kidneys). None of the people tripping with me could help, so it was pretty scary. Scarier still was feeling the same thing a few times even when sober.

Glad you can find some sort of peace in finding out what's wrong, so now you can start your journey. Good luck and hang in there.
 
G

·
Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Rainman, check-out Charles Linden... linden-method.com on the web. I have had depersonalisation for about 12 years, triggered by canabis, unfortunately. I have then suffered panic attacks, anxiety disorder, derealisation...I thought I had something that no one else on earth could have had...nothing felt real...in a terribly distressing manner. To this day I still get pangs of depersonalisation, but I'm looking into this Linden-Method myself. Please remember that YOU ARE NO WHERE NEAR ALONE IN THIS. I know that doesn't make things better, but you are literally one of millions who suffer from this strange occurrance...we can beat it!
 
G

·
Discussion Starter · #7 ·
I thought this site was about helping people?? Who the hell gets off on telling me to quit "pimping" out anything?? I'm trying to help this person and all you can offer is snide remarks? Keep this site helpful, you bloody insensitive prick!
 
G

·
Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Rainman

I'm going thru the same thing. I'm a 22 yr old college student, and about 2 1/2 yrs ago i tripped on DXM for the first and last time. I was drinking beer and was smoking pot at the time, which could've added to the negative effects, but i had the worst experience of my life that night. I completely dissociated to the point of almost total sensory shutdown.

The next morning, I awoke to find that I hadn't fully come down from the trip. Everything looked 2 dimensional and fuzzy. It was as tho there were little tiny stars all through my visual field. I couldn't fully feel my body the way i used to, and talking to people felt absolutely alien.

As I said, it's now 2 and a half years later, and I'm still not back to normal. There has been some improvement, tho. For about 9 months I was on an SSRI, which seemed to help with the anxiety/depression thats the result of this. But the dp/dr symptoms remain.

Definitely see a psychologist or psychiatrist if you haven't already.

math
 
1 - 8 of 8 Posts
Top