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I've been on zoloft now for two days I woke up in the middle of the night. I know it won't change me over night so I'm not saying it's there meds.

I woke up yesterday feeling very odd. More than likely it was my usual odd feeling but with me just starting a med I naturally worry that some how the medicine could be making me feel this although I know I've felt like this for a couple months now.

When I woke up yesterday I was very confused in a sense.
I couldn't believe what date it was and year it almost felt odd to say what year it actually is.

I was sitting here and freaked out because I swore I had missed a family members birthday and was actually in tears thinking how could I forget. Only to realize I haven't missed it I literally felt like I was in a completely different week.

I get up and I have racing thoughts trying to collect together what's actually going on all I could think is something is wrong with me. Almost like my mind is blanking out.

It gets later in the day and at this point I'm just lost with time how is it already time for bed. What did I do today.yes I remember what I did down to detail but I felt as though I didn't do anything and like I may have just been dreaming about all I had done this week.

Now for tonight I took my meds and slowly fell asleep.i woke up for a few minutes after being asleep for a couple hours still feeling completely exhausted I fell right back asleep.

Once again about an hour passes I'm tossing and turning and i wake up completely lost again mind racing.I had a thousand thoughts going through my head.

First thought was I need to go to the hospital what if this is a brain tumour,what if I'm beginning to have another undiagnosed mental illness.
What if I forget everything and I start wondering the streets like the investigation shows and noone finds me.
What if none of this is real and I'm already dead and now I'm in purgatory.
Will I ever feel again am I dying.

Sadly there's a thousand more to follow those thoughts.

I've pushed myself this week at the beginning of the week I got fed up with just sitting Monday I got up and went outside and sat for a moment it wasn't much but if you knew me that's a big step.
Usually I just lay in bed all day and all night by Monday night I'm cleaning the entire house despite how I felt physically I was pushing through because I realized I have to pull myself through this. Tuesday came along I went to my doctor's and afterwards I felt relieved that I'm not going insane so I decided to keep pushing myself.
I got home and instead of running to my room I sat outside for over an hour and I figured if I can sit here for an hour I can leave the house for an hour and I'll be okay so I went grocery shopping.Its been weeks since I left the house outside of going to doctors and therapist so I stayed at the store for a couple hours just looking around.as scared as I was it felt nice to look at something other than my bedroom walls or out of my bedroom window.
I came home put grocery's up and felt amazing and proud I stayed out of the room all night talked with family laughed joked and over all just felt proud at this point I knew I could get through this.
The next day comes I get up early and my family member offered to pick my meds up I was just prescribed them so I wasn't sure they'd allow them and once again I had this feeling of motivation that I need to do this on my own.I got my meds rode with them to take another family member to work and although I didn't feel in my body atleast I did it. Once again I didn't run to my room when I got home I sat outside despite feeling completely gone and pushed through.by that evening I was curled up watching a movie with my spouse on edge in fear that I'd have a bad reaction to the meds.
I took them anyways because I do suffer from severe anxiety and depression and I'm ready to get that under control I tossed and turned all night even though the last three days were amazing I stayed up all night and finally passed out at 4 or 5 in the morning and slept til 3.

I woke up yesterday in a daze more than before well at least that's how I felt although it's probably just my usual feelings. I got up and decided to go outside even though my day started super late I could still make it a good day like the last 3.I pushed myself again I sat outside for awhile and started doing workouts something I haven't done in months. Everyone started coming home and I started getting even more out of itI ran to my room and just sat I put a movie on only to have something in the background playing to drowned out my thoughts. Time keeps ticking by this point I'm lost at where my day went and wondering what day it even is.
I panic for a moment thinking I forgot someone's birthday only to realize it hadn't even passed yet then it hits me how fast the last year really went and how much has changed and happened in my life. I say for two hours thinking about being a teenager again missing that time of my life missing coming home after school and not having worries. Missing having my mom right down the hall way so I can just go cry in her room and walk out feeling better.
Yes my mom is okay it's the old times that I miss she is well. After two hours of partly wishing I could change my reality and go back in time I take my medicine. Only my second dose I started becoming relaxed and feel asleep only to wake up at 2 in the morning with racing thoughts.
I don't really have a question just more of venting and wanting some type of Hope that I will get better.
Sometimes I really just feel alone even if I'm surrounded by all the people I love.
 
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