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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I used to have a little habit, before i completely abandoned all ambition to do anything at all in my life, of scribbling down interesting things that people would say to me throughout the day, or things that i might have said but that didn't receive what i considered to be adequate acclaim.

If anyone hears anything amusing, interesting, or unusual throughout the course of your day, please list it here along with any context that might be appropriate.

For example, today a co-worker was smashing a binder on my desk because he put the wrong thing in the computer as the binder was out of date, and i never told him that we had new information to use. I said something like, "Well don't get mad at the binder because you made a mistake", and he replied:

"Well, i can't get angry at you! I might as well yell at a dog that doesn't know any better for pissing on the rug!"

I don't know why...perhaps it's the boredom, but i found that hysterically funny. So, if ya'll hear anything...please post.

Thanks,

s.
 

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Okay, so this one involves the dog connection.

A friend and his wife were visiting her Grandmother's home. Granny was known to be a bit bossy and of a nerve to speak her mind. It was a family gathering and for some reason all the men, except for my friend, were going to leave the house to go somewhere. As they walked out the door, stepping over a few dogs on their way out, his father- in -law called over his shoulder..."Hey Jake, I guess since you're the only man left, we're leaving you in charge." My friend was about to crack something back to him when Granny spoke up and said..." You're gonna leave Jake in charge? Hell, you might as well leave one of the dogs in charge!! "

Jake never thought that was too funny. We have laughed about it for years. :lol:

You, Jake, and the dogs.

So I ask ya, what's all this dumb dog/dumb human comparison stuff about? :?
 

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I'm known amongst my friends for dropping absolute clangers. My best one was in the first year of senior school (age 11) and our french teacher (who was french) told me my homework was 'erratic'.

I, being an absolute cocky little shit, thought she was so stupid and replied with a smug face 'oh Mrs Jonson, you mean erotic' and rolled my eyes, looked around the class for back up, smiling. I got none, of course.

It wasn't until I got home and checked the word in my dictionary that I realised. Never cringed so much in my life.
 

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I was working, years ago, in some crappy restaurant, and the ice machine had broken. The repair guy came, and opened the door, and then just stared into the machine for a few minutes.

"We already tried that," I said. This might be one of the funniest things I have ever said, although I'm not quite sure why.

Another cute thing I heard a few days ago. Sitting in "March of the Penguins," a little kid, probably 3 or 4 is several seats to my right. During one panorama, showing hundreds of penguins lined up, marching accross the ice, the little kid starts saying, "one, two, three, four, five," until his mom shushes him. lol
 

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My 5-year-old neice told us the other day that her mom had a party going on in her stomach. She says she remembers it from when she was in there. We asked her what these people looked like, and she said they have Indian hats on ( we assume she meant Native American headdresses, but we're not sure ). I asked her if I had a party going on in my stomach, and she said no, only moms do.
 

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What a fabulous story. The imagination of children knows no bounds. I think you have to revert to your inner child to dream up stuff like that.

Is it under copyright? :twisted: There's a Booker Prize in that story.
 

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Hmm. Depending on your gender, I may allow you to be Surveyor of the Emperors bed-sheets. And application form is in the post.
 

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I said a position of POWER. Surveyor of the Emperor's Bedsheets, tempting though it may be, isn't exactly what I had in mind. I was thinking more along the lines of Breeder Control, in which I must give permits people to breed, and only after strict testing to make sure they're not morons. Score a 5 on the test, you may breed. A 4, you may live. And any one who scores lower than a 3 on the moron test will be vaporized on the spot. Do we have a deal?
 

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Surveyor of the Emperor's Bed-Sheets IS a position of power. My god, what more do you want? Seeing as I will be spending most of my time sprawled out on these bedsheets, I'm sure you'll agree that making sure they are pristine and lacking any unfortunate discharge from my hareem (which, incidently, you will be one of. it's a perk of the job), is a highly esteemed role.

There will be no breeding in my brave new world. I will manufacture beings of such perfection, out of bread and wires, that there will be no need for reproductive sex. Just the carnal, messy type. Which you'll have to have a licence for, and pass a test, much like a driving test. Parallel porking, knowing when to pull out, checking the mirrors, emergency stop, that kind of thing.

Sometimes, I think I should moderate myself. I'm the only one who seems to fly too close to the wind. But I can't bare to do it. Every word is precious.
 

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Can we still kill the morons, though? C'mon, it'd be fun. And as a part of the harem, do I have to be monogomous? If so, I don't want to play....
 

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Yes, you can slay as many people as you like. Monogomous ? Most certainly not. That will be outlawed as well.

Come out, let's face it, in my brave new world, everything will be outlawed except me, a gigantic hareem of beautiful, witty, intelligent, footless women, and other stuff I like.
 

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i sure agree with the thing about men needing a pulling out manual...probably not in the same way you think, though, martin.
 

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sebastian your avatar used to scare me but now it is me and i love it with all my heart and all my soul so thanks, dude.
 

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okay...i'm teaching again and my days are filled with little inane or funny comments. in fact, two minutes ago a student walked in and asked what the homework was. i was explaining that he needed to do a sketch of an animal that doesn't exist in nature (the finished product is gonna be paper mache and three dimentional).

me: "you need to sketch a wierd animal...something that doesn't exist in nature."
the kid: "oh! you mean like my little brother?"

and he was being 100% serious...ha!
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
I said something amusing a couple of weeks ago, but i've told several people of the quote since and no one else seems to think it's funny. It must have been the way i said it. Yeah, that must have been it...

Wandering into my friendly neighbourhood Starbucks at a hideously early hour (around 8:30 am) with my head throbbing from tiredness, and they've got Dean Martin blaring over the speakers. I just kind of looked at the guy at the counter and very deadpan said,

A little early in the morning for irony, isn't it?

He didn't laugh. No one in line laughed (as i glanced back at them for some sort of collegial approval...getting nothing but blank caffeine-deprived glares). I've even told it to friends who i would expect at least a cursory "Yes, that was mildly amusing." Nothing.

s.
 
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