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Expressing feelings is hard, I cant remember a time when I have felt more awake than I have for the past few months. for my whole life I have ignored my underlying issues (ADHD, Anxiety, Depression) causing them to boil and like most I popped. About a year ago I went on a self induced journey of self discovery, learning about my ADHD, and getting diagnosed with depression/anxiety all to understand pocket of sadness I carried around with me. Journeys aside the end result has ended in nothing but inner confusion with a hint of truth, I think in learning my weaknesses I learned to overcome some of the hurdles in understanding my thoughts but it has done nill to help the feeling of cavernous emptiness that has pervaded me ever since I can remember. Thinking back, even when I was 12 I can remember a video my mother recorded of me helping her gardening. Even then I remember feeling like I was in a stormy crevice, I am sure everyone has some metaphor they use to describe their depersonalized state and mine goes as stated below.

My mind is constricted by the flow of the thickest desert storm. My thoughts whip by in gusts faster than I can hope to conceive, my view of them is constricted by the sand that invades unwarranted. My perception is stunted by the storm, so In life I walk in circles missing the pass that leads out of my storm.

As cliche like and depressing as that statement / metaphor is its is what how I choose to look at my current path. I have always read and been into metaphors but its like my mind spits them out at a rapid pace.

I don't know why I am posting a blog, all I know is that I feel and have felt for a long time like I am closer and closer to a bitter end. I am consumed by nothing and try to consume everything to substitute for the expanse inside me. I eat, entertain(tv, games, etc..), and sleep in the pursuit of enduring so I might make a splash before I die, but not being there to feel any of it has been a burden for too long. I am saddened by my strong will jump away from the conscious experience but am invigorated by the fact that I still endure.

Loosing my will to move on was something that happened so long ago I neglected to memorize the date it happened. the only reason I don't Kill myself is because I have people who would be hurt, and unlike myself I am sure their hurt would be deep. mine would be shallow. This is not a suicidal post but I cant lie and say I don't deal with the urge to slip away every hour on the hour. I am atheist and in my more questionable moments I have prayed that someone kill me or accidentally hit me from behind.

I endure, but not without internal regret. I think I came here because I need to talk.



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bethg
Jun 26 2017 02:30 PM

I hope that you are still here and have found even a little bit of peace. I do not have a lot of the feelings or symptoms you describe but have my own issues/demons. I will pray (I am a Christian), that you will find a way out of the dark place you are in. Please feel free to reach out to me if you need anyone to talk to.
 
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