Hello to all. I wanted to make a post describing what I am going through at the moment. It will be the only post I will make dealing with DP/DR before I take the steps to full recovery. I won't go into deep detail about my last etc because I don't want this post to be long but for starters I have experienced DP/Dr about 7 years ago. That was the first time i developed it from high anxiety. I was bombarded with high anxiety which let to Dp/dr and depression also set in. No drugs no nothing. All anxiety induced. It took 8 months to get out of it. At that time I was plagued with anxiety and panic with the dp/dr. Everything felt unreal. It was very hard to deal with and in return I suffered bad depression from it and intrusive thoughts. I never had intrusive thought before dp/dr but when my mother mentioned going through anxiety depression DPDR.....and she decided to tel me also that she had intrusive thoughts....the very next day I had the same thoughts and it tormented me. Fast forward with out medication or anything I got better within 8 months. I was free for a few years and got it again. Same thing high anxiety for weeks. Obsessing over it. I started to feel depressed and dp/dr set in. When it did I began looking for answers online and stumbled across "solipsism". Worst mistake ever for a dp/dr person to look into. It turned my life upside down. I started to believe that I created everything in my mind that everything was fake and when I thought about the world and the universe etc.....it just didn't make any sense and reinforced the feelings and thoughts. Afterwards I turned to the Bible because I grew up Christian. I wanted answers and started reading genesis and for the first time in my life it did not make sense to me and I doubted God. From that moment on I quit believing. It tore my world apart. Everything I believed and once knew was all different. Fast forward it took about 6 months to pull out of that one. Once again without medication and without therapy. Lived a perfect normal exciting life for around 5 years and here I am again. Only this time panic attacks didn't set it off. I was on antibiotics for over two weeks. Two different kinds together. One of the antibiotics is known to cause depression anxiety etc. by the time I finished them I started randomly feeling depressed. I over looked it and a week went by and I was ok. I had to get back on both once again and when I did the depression set back in along with anxiety and dp. I know gut health issues can cause anxiety depression. I also had other things going at the time but nothing major. Regardless I obsessed and started reading and reading and worrying and worrying just like the first and second time I dealt with anxiety depression dp/dr and before I knew it I was in the hands of dp/dr. If I would have just nipped it at the bud and stopped worrying and obsessing I don't think I would have ended up here again. This go around there's not much physical anxiety symptoms just a little nervous stomach feeling, tight stomach feeling, a little bit of anxiety in my chest etc. nothing bad but I believe what Keeps the dp/dr here is the depression. I have a lot of existential thoughts. Waaayy too many and the thing is I probably wouldn't have all those if I would have read so many peoples stories. They gave me ideas I think. My question to you all and I'm hoping more recovered people could shed some light on this if you can relate and still visit here to help people is.....does the existential thoughts go away? Does life go back to normal? Can you look back at the old thoughts you had when you had dp/dr and laugh at them? Are things still very strange to you? Because nothing makes sense to me at the moment. In the past I went through intrusive thoughts and I have dealt with the thought of developing schizophrenia etc and that to me was easy. This time it's harder. Here are some of the thoughts...
-of course solipsism. I created everything in my mind. Everything around is fake.
-human beings doesn't make sense.
-living on a planet doesn't make sense
-the universe doesn't make sense
-thought about even all of you on this forum could be fake. Maybe you all are bots just telling me what I want to hear ???? even though it's a thought it does sound ridiculous but to a person suffering with dp/dr it's no laughing matter.
-questioning Gods existence.
-my memories seem so distant from me and I question if I always had these thoughts and I just never paid attention to them.
-I have even questioned if I ever existed before.
-the thoughts of where was I before I was born and when we die what truly happens?
-life seems meaningless because we all eventually die.
-nothing really matters so why do anything in life if you just leave it behind.
-this all sort of feels like I am living life for the first time. Almost as if I have to relearn everything. Like I'm on a strange planet. The thoughts go on and on.
I don't need answers to these questions. I'm just curious when recovered does all this go away? Do these things make sense again? A lot of these questions seem delusional but I know in this state the seem real and almost convincing. If someone who is recovered could shed some light that would be great! Thank you in advance.