Hello Blackwinded, how is it to be schizophrenic?
I know it must be very hard, but like could you describe it? Is it like you wanna kill yourself and see/hear delusions 24/7?
Also what was your first symptoms, and how long did it take from you noticed your first symptoms to get a fullblown delusional episode?
The reason I ask is because I'm very very VERY terryfied of developing this illness and I got every reason to be.
Please read my story and comment if you got time(it would help me A LOT cuz this fear combined with DP/DR/panic disorder is basically killing all my chances to get a decent life again, if I just "knew" I wasn't going schizo, it would help me a lot):
First off, before all "this" happend my 3 year long loving relationship ended out of the blue. This broke my heart and fucked me up completely.
Got caught by cops twice for marijuana, my dad died and a lot of other bullshit's been goin' on.
I've been a HEAVY weed smoker for the past 2 years from age of 15 'til now, 17years old.
I loved it more than anything, I felt so good on weed. I smoked like 10 joints everyday for 2years.
Then I got my first panic attack, this was incredibly intense, I was high as fuck and my heart started racing as fuck, my thoughts got all mixed up(not from the weed), it seemed like the world tilted and I was left in hell(literally). I was sweating, my legs were trembeling worse than a severe parkinson sufferer. So I went upstairs,( I was high and panicking like hell ) got on top of the stairs to find both of my cats looking at me. I thought to myself: "OH Shjjjjt those creatures are Gods" and ran into the livingroom and shut the door, the cats started scratching at the door which made my "delusion" only stronger... (I had just read a few months earlier that cats were considerd Gods in Egypt back in the days so maybe this was the reason for that delusion?)
The thought of them being Gods was gone by the next day, I still had some minor "fear" about it, but I understood I just freaked out.
Then a week later I decided to smoke some potent stuff again, got the same panic feeling.
This time it didn't pass, the next weeks I had atleast 10 panic attacks a day(FULLBLOWN!) was only laying on the couch shaking,screaming,sweating,thinking I was goin nuts and dying...
One of these days I had the most horrifying experience of my life, I was talking to my parents (in the middle of panic) and suddenly when I looked my stepfather in his eyes I just _KNEW_ he was trying to controll my thoughts, completely... this delusion passed in a matter of seconds, but it was scariest I've ever experienced.
Later the same night we were watching a movie, and it felt like everything being said on the movie was some kind of message to me... This passed after night sleep.
Though for a 2-3weeks after that sometimes when people talked to me/someone said something in a movie I watched, it felt like what they said was a thought I had just thought of, like I was psychic...
All this has passed, but I'm still experiencing DP/DR and panic attacks from time to time, during this time I've been smoking weed regularly, with 9 out of 10times getting fullblown panic/racing madness thoughts.
So I've decided to fully quit weed and tobacco, finally.
But the fear of going schizo is still so amazingly strong.
My dad was a heavy drug user, mostly shrooms cannabis,lsd and amphetamine, but also did heroin, coke and every other drug thats known to man, he went through A LOT of shit in his life plus he was ADHD, but at the age of 31, he just snapped, believed he was jesus for months, maybe even a year (he was very into all kind of religions and spiritual stuff before all of this)
he got diagnosed schizophrenic, and they forced anti-psychotic in him, which only fucked him up worse. After this first incident he snapped about once a year after either being in prison too long, or being on the street for too long...
My best hope's is that it was only a combination of amphetamine psychosis and all the shit he'd been through.
Neither he or my family ever believed the diagnose, and he denied to take medicine accept when he was in the looney bin and they forced him, knowing someone that close in my genes was diagnosed schizo makes me S C A R E D to death...
I've been to therapists, but I rather talk to a rock, they just say "it's just normal anxiety" and denies dp/dr even exist soo..
I hope you got some comments/opinions/thoughts/tips on this, it would REALLY help A LOT!