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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi there,

Thanks so much.

My biggest confusion is how I got like this?
I've had a great life, a LOT of trauma such as my mum had cancer, my grandad who was like a dad to me died, my uncle died suddenly, two friends died of suicide and I went through a bad break up, all in the space of two years.

But then I look at others problems and feel really stupid feeling sorry for myself, I know it's life.

I've been through a lot of other changes such as going to uni and it failing for me, I didn't like it, I've never stuck at anything or had a proper job because I always run away from getting scared, I guess we could say I've always been confused as to what I want in life.

Im in a new relationship now, I moved back home to live with my grandma as she needs help so I help take care of her which is sometimes emotionally draining but I wouldn't ever change that because I love her so much. I've also lived in Spain most of my life and now moved back to the UK so that's another big change.

I feel like this all started when my friend committed suicide in the middle of February, I was very very confused and extremely shocked at it all. I've always pushed my feelings inside of me and not really shown them when it comes to BIG life issues such as death, whereas I am a very emotional person as I care way too much about others, which isn't necessarily a bad thing.

I couldn't believe he would do that to himself so I started to really really question life, then came intrusive thoughts as to when I saw a pair of scissors, I imagined hurting myself with them or hurting my boyfriend, which I would never ever ever do to myself or him, so those thoughts really really scared me because I'd NEVER thought or felt that way before.

Existential thoughts massively get to me too, the whole why are we here, what are we doing, what's the point, are we all real? I even went as far as thinking that I wasn't here and it was all a dream, I know it's not but hey!

Then I went into a deep depression for like 2 weeks, I wouldn't eat, sleep, do anything. I was in a constant state of fear over these thoughts and didn't know what was happening to me and I even took myself to the hospital because I was determined and sure there was something going on such as an infection, because I had NEVER felt that low before in my whole life.

This has all been happening since middle of Feb, I became ADDICTED and still am, to google. I think if I'd never come across DP then maybe I wouldn't of ever made myself believe I have it. I think reading horror stories and stuff has definitely brought on my symptoms.

I don't think I can accept that I'm growing up, life is changing and I've experienced A LOT of signicant life changes the past few months.

Another issue of mine is that I've never finished something, such as holding a job down, starting a career (because I've never known what I wanted to do), I've never had a good sleeping schedule, always sleeping late nd waking up really late, I've never eaten healthy or correctly, I've never really exercised. All because I think I have no real self esteem or drive or motivation.

In a strange way, I'm glad this happened to me because it made me realise that enough is enough and I need to change certain ways of my life in order to become a better person emotionally, mentally and physically.

However I have become so obsessed with checking DP and anxiety forums, so obsessed with having DP that it has totally taken over my life, I think it's some form of OCD.

I know deep deep down that there is nothing wrong with me. I'm an intelligent girl and I don't think I could coherently write this message with all my feelings, if there was something severely wrong with me mentally. I think I'm just lost in life, as are many others.

However, I've become so scared of myself, of living I suppose. I would never harm myself or do anything because more than anything, I just want to LIVE again, like I did before but better.

I analyse everything I do, from looking at people to how I eat, I barely recognise myself in the mirror and feel like I've lost myself, I basically feel like I live in my own head and it's affecting my relationship with others.

I know I need to get off these forums and just get on with my life but I feel like I'm scared to leave as I've become so used to living like this for two months that I don't ever believe I could go back to a normal life and thinking pattern after this traumatic mental experience that has scared me so much.

I've been terrified of my thoughts, even though I know they were so stupid and just thoughts of an OCD and VERY tired mind. I know all the correct things I need to do to get myself out of this mess but I feel asif I'm missing something to get started? I'm also scared that I make myself think that I've heard something or seen something that isn't there (probably because I've read up stuff about completely losing your mind and that is my BIGGEST FEAR).

If someone does something or says something and I didn't quite hear them, I know what they said or did but I find myself having to ask them to make sure I myself definitely know they did do it or said it.

For example, I felt something behind me the other day and I knew my dog was behind me. In my old state of mind, I wouldn't of even cared, but I had to turn round to just double check that it was definitely the dog. Sounds stupid I know, because I know exactly what it is deep down.

Im sorry for writing all this, it feels SO good to write it all down. I think my biggest fear is my new uncomfortable pereception of the world and everything. It feels so different but in a way it doesn't, I know it's just my anxiety.

Thanks so much. Any advice or help would be GREATLY appreciated. ❤????
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